Page 39 of Seized by Love at Seaside
“Nothing,” she whispered.
“Nothing, as in you wear only an apron and heels?”
She barely nodded. If he hadn’t been watching her so intently, he might have missed it. “Well, a flesh-colored thong.”
“So, anyone who watches these videos can see your butt?” He didn’t mean to bark at her, but he felt blindsided, like she’d taken his trust and stomped on it, just like Sarah Jane.
“They don’t,” she snapped. “I’m careful with the angles.”
He paced. “You’recarefulwith the angles? Come on, Lizzie, what does that mean? Why would you do this? You have a great floral business.”
“I needed money when I was in college and—”
He felt sick to his stomach and held up his hand, silencing her. “You’ve been doing this since college and you never thought to mention it to me before? Before we made love? Before I opened my heart up to you?”
“Don’t you see, Blue? That’s why I kept turning you down when you asked me out, and telling you I wasn’t good for you. I knew it wasn’t fair of me to keep it from you, or to ask you to accept it.”
He ran a hand through his hair, then fisted his hands, trying to squeeze the frustration from himself. “Don’t tell me any more. Please.”
He stared at her, trying to reconcile the things she’d told him to the woman he knew her to be. The look in her eyes was gut wrenching, the pain in his heart, unbearable. His mind reeled back a decade, to the night he’d walked in on Sarah Jane with that other guy.
He looked at Lizzie, unable to believe what she was saying. How could this possibly be? Did everyone in this crazy world lie?
Lizzie’s tears stopped. Her chin rose, and she squared her shoulders, determination settling in her eyes. “I didn’t mean to deceive you, Blue. It’s not like I’m selling my body. I did what I had to do. If you’ll just let me explain.”
He narrowed his eyes, and when he spoke his voice was stone-cold, colder than he’d ever felt. “I can’t listen to an explanation right now, Lizzie. I need time to process this. I love you, but you did deceive me, whether you meant to or not. That is what it is.” He paused, trying to temper the acidic burn in his throat. The taste of the vile truth. “But the worst part is, you deceived yourself—and it sounds like you still are.”
Chapter Fifteen
LIZZIE DROVE AROUND for an hour, vacillating between going back and trying to explain and patch things up with Blue and being too angry to see straight. How could he tell her that she was fooling herself? She knew just how low she felt about what she was doing every day, but she also knew how important it was to have a college degree these days. Not to mention that if she’d had to manage her school loans after college, she’dstillbe working in some crappy little flower shop for ten dollars an hour, destined to be doing so forever.
She’d been innovative, and she’d found a way to climb out from under her debt and help her sister avoid having to do the same. She should be proud of her accomplishments. That was what she’d told herself for all these years, but now none of that held the same weight, and the shame of it all was that she’d never meant to hurt anyone else. Least of all Blue. She never meant to fall in love with him, and she didn’t mean to keep this from him, but it wasn’t exactly something a person brought up on a date.
By the way, I’m the Naked Baker, just in case you were wondering what I did in my spare time.She’d bet that wouldn’t have gone over very well.
She drove up and down the highway, berating herself and building herself up in equal measure, until she realized it was two in the morning and she still had a video to edit.
It was only after she’d edited the video and she’d fallen into bed alone, in her dark, silent bedroom that reality settled over her like a storm cloud, and her insides twisted until she could barely breathe.
She’d ruined them.
She’d lost the only man she’d ever loved.
Now it was six thirty in the morning and she had no idea if Blue was coming over to finish the renovations, or if he hated her and they’d never speak again. She felt his absence in the kitchen where he’d left heart prints, like fingerprints, in everything he did. She ran her hand over the counter, thinking of how many times she’d left him notes, expecting to come home and find them in the trash only to realize he’d taken them with him. How many times had the sound of his truck pulling up in the morning set her heart aflame? How many mornings had she hurried out before he arrived because she worried he’d see her attraction to him written all over her face?
She debated staying home to see if he came over, but the thought of seeing the hurt in his eyes again, hearing the venom in his voice, made her queasy. Even her skin stung with the painful memory. Not that she blamed Blue for his reaction. There was only one way that conversation could have gone down. She’d known that from their first date, hadn’t she? Wasn’t that why she hadn’t accepted the dates in the first place? And once she had, wasn’t that why she kept putting off telling him about the webcast? Because being with Blue felt so good and so incredibly right that the thought of ruining their relationship had made her sick to her stomach. Didn’t she put it off so she could eke out as much time as she possibly could with him? To enjoy every kiss. To revel in the feel of his arms around her. To soak in his heartfelt words until she absolutelyhadto come clean?
She drove into town feeling selfish for having waited so long and fighting tears at every turn, her anguish almost overcoming her control. She parked and walked down the pier in the early-morning fog, a stab of guilt buried deep in her chest. Normally she loved this time of day, before shops opened and tourists filled the streets, but now it amplified her loneliness. She pulled the hood of her sweatshirt over her head and shoved her hands deep in her pockets, warding off the morning chill. Fishermen readied their boats beside the pier, and two older women walked down the beach, bundled up in jackets and hats. Strangers went about their business like normal, while Lizzie tried to hold on to the pieces of her broken heart.
She choked back tears, wishing Blue were with her and willing to talk things through. She could almost feel his hand on her back, see the mischievous glint in his eyes as he pulled her in close—he was always pulling her in close, as if he couldn’t get enough of her.Was.She nearly choked on the word.
She needed to get a grip on herself. She had an entire day to get through and, she just remembered, a string garden class to teach tonight. When she reached the end of the dock, she sat down with her feet hanging over the water and her arms wrapped around her middle, bracing herself against the anguish that gripped her.
This was what it felt like to love someone so much shehadto be honest with him. This is what it felt like to be honest—and to lose him. How would she ever go back to being who she was? Which brought her to a more troubling question. Who was she? Was she the good girl her parents had raised? The rebellious coed? The proud business owner? Or was she, really, the Naked Baker? A woman who dressed in nearly nothing for money? She knew who she wanted to be. A flower shop owner, big sister, and Blue’s girlfriend. That was all she wanted.
But what she wanted didn’t matter, and she’d accepted that when she’d committed to helping Maddy.
She buried her face in her hands as an even more treacherous thought hit her.
