Page 47 of Whispers at Seaside
He couldn’t resist kissing her right on the bridge of her nose, where all those adorable freckles danced.
“Mira, what I’m going to tell you might change how you feel about me.”
“I doubt it,” she said easily.
We’re about to find out.“When I was in school I had one focus—graduating at the top of my class. I knew I wanted to teach at Princeton, and in order to do that, I had to surpass everyone else. My brothers will tell you I lived and breathed schoolwork, while they lived and breathed life, women…”
“So, you’re saying that you had a limited social life?” She looked perplexed, as she should, since she was waiting for a clear answer and he was trying to give her the full picture, as if it might make a difference.
Nothing would make a difference.
“I guess you could say that. My social life cameaftermy studies. I dated and went out with friends, but neither was my priority.” He wrung his hands together, thinking about those stressful years when he’d pushed himself past reasonable limits. “I had plans to meet a friend one night. Cindy Feutra.” He hadn’t said her name in so long it brought a chill to his skin. “We were supposed to go to a party together, but I lost track of time, studying until three in the morning, and I never showed up.”
He shifted his eyes away, remembering the shock of hearing what had happened the next morning when he’d sought her out to apologize for not meeting her. “Cindy was attacked that night on her way back to her dorm.”
His throat tightened, and when Mira touched his arm, he forced himself to meet her gaze. The empathy he saw there nearly slayed him.
“That poor girl.”
“Yes.” His voice cracked with emotion. He waited for her to say something more, to get angry or disgusted and place blame where it clearly belonged. His muscles tensed in preparation of accepting his due, but she simply squeezed his forearm, her gaze remaining warm and caring.
He didn’t know what he’d done to deserve her, but he thanked his lucky stars just the same and told her the rest of the story. “When I went looking for her to apologize the next morning, she was gone. She’d been taken to the hospital that night, and news had spread throughout the campus by morning. She never returned to school. I tried for weeks to reach her, but she didn’t return my calls.”
“And you blame yourself,” Mira said softly.
“Of course I do. If I had met her when I was supposed to, that wouldn’t have happened. I never would have let her walk home alone.”
“But you can’t know what would haveactuallyhappened,” Mira pointed out.
“You’re right. The only thing that matters is whatdidhappen.”
“Oh, Matt. I get it, I really do, but sometimes having a big heart makes life much harder than it needs to be. Did they catch the guy who did it?”
Matt shrugged. “There were rumors, but as far as I know, no one was ever arrested.”
“So ever since that night you’ve been stepping in and helping people when they’re in trouble, as some kind of self-inflicted penance?”
“Pretty much. Making up for the mistake I can never take back. And trust me, I understand all the psych stuff behind it. It’s not like I don’t fully comprehend why I do it. Although my brothers will tell you that I went out of my way to help people even before that, which was true. It just wasn’t fueled by the same fire.”
“So…are the rumors true? Do you go outlookingfor people to save?”
He could deny it, not reveal exactly how deep those demons ran, and she’d never know. But he didn’t want there to be any secrets between them. That was something his mother had drilled into his head as he was growing up, just as she’d drilled into his head that following his heart was the key to a happy life. Matt was beginning to understand that in a much bigger way than he ever had.
“I used to,” he admitted cautiously, watching her process his words. “I’ve helped a lot of people.” He had no idea how many people he’d helped over the years, because he hadn’t been mentally ticking off a debt. It had simply become a way of life.
“Why did you stop?”
“Stop?”
“You said youused togo looking for people to help. Why did you stop?”
He smiled. Finally an easy question. “It wasn’t a cognitive process. I realized the other day that since I’ve been home, since you and I started going out, things changed. I’m no longer restless and unsettled like I always was. I don’t have that urge to chase ghosts.”
Her thin brows slanted in a frown. “Does that mean you think me and Hagen need saving?”
“No, sunshine. You and Hagen don’t need saving. I care about you both, and part of caring is protecting, but it’s not saving.” Her lips curved up, and the worry seemed to drift from her expression. He moved closer, needing the connection as he revealed his truest secrets.
“Mylifehas changed. When I was teaching, I rarely had time for anything else, which is one of the reasons I’m seriously considering giving it up. Helping others was probably also my way of filling a void that I was trying to ignore. And after we met that void became harder and harder to ignore. I wantedyou, and I worried about you and Hagen, but I had to continually bury those feelings because you were here and I was hours away.” He paused briefly.
