Page 48 of Sweet Love at Bayside
“We were teenagers when we lost Dad. That’s different. Do you think Mom would have laughed at us burping the alphabet? Or thought it was ‘epic’ when we rode our dirt bikes into that mucky marsh? Remember? She made us hose off outside and yelled at Dad for taking us to a diner when we were so dirty.”
Rick smiled with the memory. “Man, we were lucky to have him.”
“Yeah. They say women are the ones with the ticking clock, but how can you be around Hagen and not think about it?” Drake wiped his hands on his shorts and pushed the plate compactor to the edge of the patio. “Maybe it’s easier for you, since you’re not usually around him so much.”
“Maybe that’s why I never really thought about it until recently.”
“Makes sense,” Drake said. “Wait. You’re thinking about it now?”
Rick shrugged. “Not in an I-want-kids-now way, but just in general.”
“I think Desiree kick-started your heart again. About time, if you ask me.”
“She wants to go sailing.” The confession surprised him as much as it appeared to have surprised Drake. “I can’t look at her without wanting to try to get on that boat.”
“I’m sure she’ll understand if you explain…”
“I did, and she does.” He forced himself to ask the question he’d been carrying with him since he’d told Desiree about his father. “Why didn’t we ever talk about that night?”
“I talked about it all the time,” Drake said, meeting his gaze. “With Mom, with the grief counselor.”
Blood pounded in Rick’s ears as he opened a door he’d all but nailed shut. “I mean us, Drake. Why didn’tweever talk about it?”
“You didn’t exactly want to talk back then.” There was a hint of defensiveness in his brother’s tone, and more than a hint in his eyes. “And you’ve clammed up ever since.”
“Don’t you find that messed up?” It came out as an accusation, and he hated himself for it, because it wasn’t Drake’s fault. “Wewere the ones on the deck.Wewere the ones who couldn’t save him.” His voice escalated, and he ground his teeth, regaining control, a silent war raging between him and his demons. “Us, Drake. Not the grief counselor. Not Mom or anyone else. We were in it together that night.”
“We still are,” Drake said evenly. “It’s onourshoulders, and it always will be. We. Couldn’t. Save. Him.”
Pain gripped Rick so hard he couldn’t move.
“Don’t do this again, Rick,” Drake seethed. “You’ve pulled away for seventeen years. I’m right here, and I’m ready to talk. Do you blame yourself? Is that what’s kept you away? Because no one blames you.”
Anger clawed up his torso, tightening like a noose around his neck. “No. And I don’t blame you, either.”
“Then what is it?” Drake pleaded.
“I don’t know.” Rick paced, hands fisted at his sides. “Iknowwe couldn’t save him. I thought I dealt with all of this. I can goonthe water,inthe water,overthe water. But I get near a sailboat and I choke. Like I’ve never put it behind me.”
The pain in Drake’s eyes was palpable. “Because you didn’t. Mira and I pushed through it when Mom made us. We went out on that frigging boat and cried, and cursed, and fought, until there was nothing left to be angry at. We let him go, Rick, but you refused. Don’t you remember fighting with me when I tried to drag your ornery butt down to the boat a few weeks after the accident? You gave me a shiner.” He laughed under his breath. “I had to tell everyone I beat some kid up just to save face from admitting my younger brother clocked me.”
We fought?Rick didn’t know if he should laugh or worry over having no memory of the incident. “I don’t remember that.”
“No?”
Rick shook his head.
“I knew a part of you had disappeared after we lost Dad, but I didn’t realizeyou’dlost that part of yourself, too.” Drake’s voice turned thoughtful. “We were all in shock, but you buried your feelings so deep you were untouchable. As a teenager, you hid behind music, and sports, and never slowed down enough to think, much less feel. And as an adult…Bro, youknowwhy you work eighty hours a week, hundreds of miles away from us. But since you’ve been back, there’s been no place for you to hide.”
“Tell me about it. I see him in everything. In you and Mira. Even Hagen,” Rick admitted. “Sometimes it’s too much.”
“That’s a shame. I see Dad everywhere, too. But I’mgladfor it, because not a day goes by that I don’t miss him. Getting a glimpse of him is a relief. A momentary gift.”
“I want to feel that so bad, Drake. You have no idea. I think about that night all the time.”
“I can only imagine,” Drake said. “But how can you see the light if you don’t get rid of the darkness? That night’s still eating away at you. I think about that hellacious night, and I want to punch something, or take revenge on the sea. But—”
“There’s no revenge for a prickly beast.” Rick rubbed the knot at the base of his neck, breathing deeply and knowing his brother was right. He’d talked to the counselor, but he’d never done the one thing that mattered most. He’d lost his father that night at sea, but he’d never really let him go.
