Page 83 of Sweet Passions at Bayside
“I know, but that’s no reason to remain in an unhappy marriage.”
“We’re not unhappy, honey. This is the hard part to explain. Do you remember when your father left, when you were just a boy?”
“How could I forget?” He ground his back teeth together, struggling with the truth. “That was the year I saw my mother with two other men. The year I lost my brother. That was the year I grew up.”
“Oh boy.” She sighed. “I think I could use that water now, please.”
With a nod, he went inside and filled two glasses. He heard Emery humming and peeked in to see her dancing with Tango in her arms in the bedroom.I do love you, my quirky girl.
He carried the glasses outside and handed one to his mother, who was watching him intently.
“You know that feeling you have right this second?” she said as he sat down. “That feeling of being on top of the world because you just saw the girl you love?”
“How do you know that?”
“Oh, honey, please. I’ve been your mother for a long time.” She sipped her water. “And more importantly, I’ve been in love for even longer. That feeling that you have when you see Emery? That’s the feeling I have for your father. Your father is the strongest, bravest man I know, but he’s also become cynical and I worry that sometimes he’s unfeeling.”
“What he’s become is a jer—” He bit back the word “jerk” and said, “He’s become cold and rude. How can you say he’s strong or brave when he left us?” The hurt he’d buried so long ago clawed its way out from the dark place in which he’d buried it, twisting into his gut and burning as it infiltrated his chest and limbs.
“Yes, he’s becomeunpleasant, but he’s still your father.”
Dean scoffed. “Please don’t give me a lecture about respect, because I’ve given that man nothing but respect, and he’s thrown it in my face.”
“I won’t lecture at all. But it appears that I made a mistake all those years ago. I told you boys that your father left because we weren’t getting along, but that wasn’t the whole truth. Little boys are supposed to see their fathers as being larger than life, with no flaws. Your father was struggling back then. And I understand why you think he’s weak for leaving us, but I think he’s strong for the same reason.”
She took another drink and set her glass on the table, then got up and paced. “Your father spent years trying to avoid becoming the type of man your grandfather was, and during that time, your father was under a tremendous amount of pressure with the growing practice.”
“Everyone’s under a lot of pressure, Mom. All jobs come with it, but I do remember you fighting all the time.”
“We did, because your father started giving in to your grandfather’s demands to work longer hours, travel, give talks, and somehow try to maintain our family. It was a sticking point for both of us. But the truth is, your father was angrier at himself than I ever would have been for his increased schedule. He felt like he was failing me and failing you boys. He left not because he didn’t love us, but because he wanted to get control of himself so you, Doug, and Jett wouldn’t grow up in the same untenable situation as he and his siblings had.”
Dean felt as though he’d been punched in the chest. He moved out to helpthem? He leaned back in the chair, dragging air into his lungs.
“He worried that if he continued to take out his frustrations on me, and our marriage, then he’d lose us all,” his mother explained. “He’s human, Dean. He didn’t know how to get control of his mounting responsibilities and the frustration that came along with them while living with us. He was becoming the type of angry man he didn’t want to be. Coming home every day at nine, ten o’clock at night with patient notes to dictate and three boys who wanted his attention. I know it’s hard to understand, but he didn’t abandon us. He left to save us.”
Dean pushed to his feet, unable to sit still any longer. “Come on, Mom. He couldn’t have stayed and figured it out? That’s bull.”
“I know it sounds like that, but it’s not. Your father spent those twelve weeks working that crazy schedule and seeing a therapist three nights a week, and he still made time to see you boys as often as he could.”
“If that’s true, then why did you go out with other guys? And why did you let them come to the house to pick you up?”
She smiled and shook her head. “I didn’t gooutwith other guys, Dean. Your grandmother sent those two men over. We didn’t want to upset her, so we never told her the truth about what was going on. She thought your father needed a reminder that I was still young enough to attract another man, which he didn’t need and I never would have done. But I didn’t want to get into it with Rose, because then your grandfather would have gotten involved, and it would have defeated the purpose of your father’s leaving to get his head on straight.”
“But you went out with those men. Isawyou. I’m not judging you, Mom. I’m just saying. I might have been a kid, but I was there, remember?”
“I did go out with them. Twice, with each one. We had dinner, and I told them exactly what was going on and set them up with my friend Eva Chase, who was more than happy to entertain them. I added about five rag dolls to my collection that year. I’d sit in a coffee shop and make them while Eva was out having fun. I would have rather been with you boys, but we couldn’t blow our cover.”
He continued pacing. “It’s like a frigging soap opera.” His mother had been making rag dolls since she was a little girl, learning how from her own mother. He knew she treasured them because of the memories they held, and now he wondered if she treasured the dolls she’d made during that time, too. The fact that she’d kept them was all the answer he needed.
“I know. Life isn’t always easy. But your father came back, and he was a wonderful, attentive father to you three until years later.”
“He lost Jett just because he left. You have to tell Jett the truth.”
“I already have,” she said solemnly. “Unfortunately, because of the way your father is now, he’s not ready to forgive him yet.”
“I’m not sure I am either.” Dean stopped pacing and rubbed an ache at the back of his neck. “He was good to us after he came back.”
“Yes, he was.”
