Page 18 of His Best Friend's Wife
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The tiny apartmentattached to Jamie's small house was perfect. From the moment I walked in, I felt at home. There wasn't much to it, but it was functional and the front window had a sliver of an ocean view if I leaned just right to peer past the monstrous, faded clapboard oceanfronthouses.
I had always felt somehow drawn to the ocean, but I had never imagined how soothing it would be to live so near it. Having spent most of my days in the middle of the country, the beach had always been a vacation destination––not one that I could simply walk across the street toenjoy.
Exploring the shoreline quickly became my favorite pastime. It sounded like a cheesy come-on line for a dating website profile, but I truly enjoyed long, quiet walks along the beach. I got up early each day to walk before work, I spent my breaks walking, and I generally went for another walk atnight.
I loved watching how the beach changed. In the matter of a few hours, the entire shoreline could shift. The fresh air wafting in from the water felt cleansing, and the sound of the ocean and its birds were strangelyaddictive.
Jamie had hinted a few times that she would be thrilled to join me on one of my many walks, but I tried to keep my distance from her. I didn't want to hurt her, and my heart was too damaged to even attempt to moveon.
As much as I was enjoying my solitude, the nights were still long and filled with thoughts of Cassie. I had been fairly successful at keeping busy enough to keep her out of my head during the day, but she refused to leave me alone atnight.
I tried to keep my memories of my perfect night with her at bay. At work, my hands manned the grill, which required enough focus to keep my mind occupied. On my walks, I could refocus my attention on my pristine surroundings. But at night, I was defenseless. I dreamt of her often––flailing about the bed, caught in the suspended state between waking andsleeping.
The dreams of her in my arms felt so real, it was hard to distinguish between what was memory and what was merely a dream of her. It all felt like a dream until I remembered the nightmare of finding out we had been pawns in Dirk's sick game.How could he have done that to us? Why had Cassie allowed him to manipulate her thatway?
I felt physically ill every time I thought about it. My stupid heart wouldn't allow my brain to forget about Cassie, no matter how hard I tried. It was tempting to turn on my cell phone to see what messages the two of them had left me. The fear that they might convince me to forgive them kept me from turning it on. The even greater fear that they hadn't bothered to reach out to me at all had me leaving my phone in the glove box of my car, so I wouldn't even have to see it and be tempted to useit.
I knew that I was hiding from my problems and that I would eventually have to face the two of them again. I just wasn't ready yet––especially if they were one big happy family, thanks to my sperm donation. The part that bothered me the most was that Dirk had been right. I wouldn't be able to sue them for custody of the child because I couldn't stand the thought of hurting Cassie like that. They had used me, and toyed with my emotions, but I still couldn't do that to her.I must beinsane.
The weeks went by, and I actually started to become quite proficient on the grill. It wasn't a difficult job, but I took pride in making food for others to enjoy. It wasn't a stressful position, except when Jamie barked orders at me in quick succession during the noon-hour. Even then, she always made sure to send a quick smile or wink in mydirection.
One thing that I discovered about myself was that I loved sweet tea. I don't mean that I enjoyed it, like most people would savor a favorite beverage. I mean I LOVED it. I don't know how much sugar Jamie dumped into that stuff, but it was absolutelydivine.
I immediately realized that I had gone too far when I said to Jamie, "You could win a man's heart with that tasty brew." I had just sucked down a giant glass of her freshly brewed sweet tea in giant gulps, and I was basking in the feeling of having it flow through myveins.
The look she gave me before shying away let me know that my fears were true. She had a bit of a crush on me. She and I had started to become closer. After all, we lived and worked together. She was really my only friend, since our other coworkers had yet to accept me as one of theirown.
Usually, I tried to keep my interaction with Jamie light and teasing because I didn't want to lead her on. Once in a while, though, I got the distinct feeling that she was falling for me. She was a lovely person, and I sure as hell didn't want to hurt her. She deserved better thanme.
I could now officially be called damaged goods. I had tasted the forbidden fruit, and I liked it. I'm fairly certain that I will never again feel what I felt for Cassie. It wouldn't be fair to another woman to put those kinds of impossible-to-match expectations on her, but how would I ever be able to think of anything else? My night with Cassie was incomparable, and it had likely ruined me for all otherwomen.
It was a vicious vortex of hopelessness that I was spiraling into. I desperately wanted to move on and forget about the woman of my dreams––and one incredibly real night––but I didn't think it waspossible.
Jamie stayed late, puttering around in the front of the restaurant, while I cleaned the grills. She liked for me to walk her home when we worked the dinner shift together, and I didn't mind thecompany.
I watched her refilling the salt shakers and quietly singing the song "Hips Don't Lie"by Shakira. Her singing was terrible and adorable all atonce.
Her face lit up when I joined her at the booth and belted out my own horrid version of the song. When I shimmied my hips, she giggled at my antics. I smiled down at her, wishing for the millionth time that I could forget the belly laugh that made my heart standstill.
If I had never met Cassie, Jamie would be exactly the kind of woman who could have stolen my heart. As it was, my heart had already been ripped from mychest.
After we placed the newly filled salt and pepper shakers on the tables, she hooked her arm with mine and asked, "Shallwe?"
I nodded in response and suggested we walk home along the beach, even though it was a littlefarther.
She quickly agreed and we set off, arm in arm––probably looking very much like a couple. I steadied her as she leaned on me to take off her shoes. "The sand is nice and cool on my tootsies," she revealed, smiling up at me and looking adorable. "Besides, it's a greatloofa."
"A loofa, huh?" I teased her. "Well, who could resist that?" I asked her as I removed my own shoes. "Oh, yes," I groaned, pretending to get what she had meant. "I feel it loofa-ingme."
"You big oaf," she smacked at my shoulder, and we bothchuckled.
When she turned her face up to mine, suddenly serious, I looked out towards the inky water. "I can't be what you want me to be," I told hersadly.
"You're exactly what I want," she saidopenly.
Her words were wonderful, but they were coming from the wrong person. I wanted to desire her. I wanted her to shove Cassie out of my mind and heart, but it didn't seem like that was apossibility.
