Page 68 of The Duke's Return
He sat down, the cushion depressing beneath him. Down he went, then he leaned back. But it was too far back––so he leaned forward. Rubbing his face, he rested his elbows on his knees.
A heavy sigh the likes of which he had never known slipped through his lips.
All the while, Genevieve didn’t say a word. She watched him; he could feel her gaze studying him carefully. But she didn’t say a word. She didn’t even seem to judge him.
But she will, I’m sure. Of course she would. Why wouldn’t she?
“Southwick is beautiful, is it not?” He muttered. “That’s all everyone says. It’s all anyone ever says. The land, the gardens, the house… all of it is so beautiful. But beauty only gets us so far.
“That was a lesson I learned long before when I was a child. The storms weren’t there in the beginning. At least, not that I can recall. But my father found my mother lacking, apparently, and… they couldn’t stop arguing. They despised one another until they finally went their separate ways.”
Genevieve shifted a little closer. “I’m sorry to hear that. It must have been difficult for a young boy.”
“It was. I don’t think I understood it then. The hatred. How much they both hurt. How they couldn’t… I was only ever a pawn. The heir. There would be no spare. All I ever was to them was a sacrifice so they could be apart. I had my tutors until my father began firing them after every couple of months whenever he thought I was enjoying myself. He made this place miserable.
“Southwick was only beautiful to me when the rest of my family came to visit. They were there for me when I had no one else. Only I never realized that it was all a lie. It still is, I suppose. They don’t care. They just want what I can give them. What you can give them, too.”
Genevieve let out a quiet sound. “I wanted them to care, too.”
A bitter laugh escaped him. “It’s what we all want. And yet we can’t have it. I doubt it would even ever be enough. All I shall ever be is my title. I am here to perform. To charm. I will smile and lead and dance and be witty just as everyone needs me to be.”
And on the inside there is another part of me. Inside, I am a stranger to all––even myself.
He didn’t say the rest of what he thought, but he could sense it lingering in the air. And something told him she understood.
There was dryness in his mouth that made it difficult for Julian to swallow. Staring at the flames, he reflected on his confessions. It was harder to grapple with than he had expected. Where the words had come from, he didn’t know. But they were true. And the weight of acknowledging them was heavier than he expected.
Flames crackled quietly as a comfortable silence settled between them. Julian let go of the past for just a minute. And in thatminute, he wondered what it would have meant to have a different future.
CHAPTER 26
Genevieve felt the weight of Julian’s words settling heavily over her as they sat beside one another on the chaise. Although she wanted to reach out to him, to even look at him, she didn’t dare move.
She didn’t want to frighten him away.
Simply seeing the visible frustration and uncertainty on his face when he was taking a seat there had stunned Genevieve. Her charming, clever husband struggled. He had looked so raw, so young. That sight had made her want to wrap him in her arms to protect him from the world.
I don’t think he would have let me. Would he have run?
The little she said was only meant to nudge him along, though every time she took a breath, she worried that it might be too much. And yet he had kept talking. He had shared with her from the heart. The tension and raw honesty in his tone grounded her, making her wish she could weep for him.
All the while, she couldn’t help but imagine a clever young boy with golden curls and a sweet smile. How earnest he would havebeen, looking for attention. Answers. Love. Doesn’t every child want that? And yet he had only received fake versions of it all.
“How precious you are,” she remembered his family telling her when they had met. Their wide smiles and open hands had made her so hopeful. “We are so glad to have you in the family! What a shame the duke isn’t around. You know, we had just been talking to him about a new horse…”
“Anything to help family,” she had responded.
Over and over again, she had done as they asked. It had grown tedious fairly soon upon realizing the compliments were false and the attention wasn’t true. But she’d only dealt with them for a year. Although her mother was a trial, at least she’d had plenty of happy years with her three sisters.
I wish it were easier to love others. That we could love ourselves and them. That the world welcomed love. Is not love a strength more than a weakness? But then again, I am not one to judge. Our hearts are too strong at times for even us.
Genevieve licked her lips and tried to think of something to tell Julian now. Something that would comfort him. But the world felt too large and too cold for any words to save them.
“You’re shivering,” he murmured with a side glance in her direction.
“Hm?” She glanced down at her arms wrapped around herself. She hadn’t noticed.
Already rising, Julian said he would take care of it. Her eyes followed his every move as he bent to collect a poker and tended to the fire. The next shiver she felt, tucking her feet more tightlybeneath her. But she didn’t leave off looking at Julian until he returned.
