Page 69 of The Duke's Return
He glanced down at where her feet had disappeared, but didn’t say anything.
“It is hard playing a part.” Genevieve found her voice. She cleared her throat just to be certain. “Shakespeare was right, all we do is play a part for everyone else. A lifetime of performing for those who should have loved you must have been so difficult.”
He gave a halfhearted shrug.
“When I came out, I tried my hardest not to let that happen. I had seen a doting mother myself change through the years to care about the fashions more than how uncomfortable I felt. London is the only home I have ever known, and yet I was always a stranger. Sometimes I feel like I still am.
“And to some, I suppose I am. I always will be. We can’t be friends and family to everyone. We haven’t the time. Our lives feel like forever, but they aren’t. Not really.”
The two of them slowly turned to face one another. She couldn’t tell if one of them had started, or if it only felt right then.
Her heart skipped a beat as she met his gaze. Those beautiful blue eyes of his shined even in the dim lighting. She took a measured breath before going on.
“It’s different with everyone, of course. I made my choices. My mother and I will never have a good relationship. But I have three sisters and we call care for one another deeply. And I have Phoebe, too, my dear friend. There are soirees and clubs that I have joined and participate in when I am able. I know theton doesn’t think I do enough, but that doesn’t matter to me. Because I’ve made a life that I want. A life surrounded by all that I love.”
She caught sight of the Adam’s apple in his throat. It bobbed as he swallowed silently. Sensing he wished to speak, Genevieve waited with stilted breath.
A minute passed before Julian finally spoke. “You make it sound easy.”
“No, I don’t.”
“You do,” he insisted gently. “How you do all that you do, I don’t understand. There was only one way to live that I understood. All the women and the gambling and the… Nothing was enough. The title mattered and yet that meant so little to me. When all of this wasn’t enough, I… I left.”
Understanding, she nodded. “The navy.”
“Someone might call it running away,” he admitted. “I thought I was doing some good. But maybe my intentions weren’t right, either. It feels like I’ve only ever been a pawn. Joining the navy was supposed to make amends. It would let me do the right thing. And yet…”
She waited and then asked, “What is it?”
A shuddering breath escaped him. “I don’t think I’ve ever done the right thing before in my life.”
Shifting closer so their knees touched, Genevieve gathered her courage to take hold of his hand on his closest leg. A sizzling sensation soared through their touch. Then she lifted her gaze again to meet his gaze.
“You have. Though you have played a part and charmed the world, never content with your lot, it doesn’t mean everything you did was a mistake. We all make mistakes, Julian. We simply have the opportunity to… to find our own way. Life is but a journey for us all. Sometimes we have to find the right path and that can take a very long time. But every step still takes us somewhere.”
He leaned in. “It’s still in the wrong direction.”
“You still get to go somewhere. And sometimes it can be lovely even for a minute,” she promised him. “We all take beautiful detours before we find where we really wish to be.”
They were close now, she realized, their faces only inches apart as they talked quietly. Only the fire crackling beyond them was loud, a warm reminder that there was some sort of peace in the world. That there was hope for all of them no matter how damaged they might feel on the inside.
Does Julian realize how close we are?
She could have sworn his gaze shifted to view the rest of her face, including her lips, but the movement was so swift she couldn’t be certain. But what if, she mused, he had noticed her lips? Maybe they were soft or not soft enough. Maybe they were too warm or too cold. Or maybe they were just what he was looking for.
Leaning forward, Julian wavered like he wished to say something.
Genevieve found she wished he wouldn’t. The thumping in her chest told her all she wanted was for him to touch her. To kiss her. To close the distance between them. She wanted them together, bound and connected.
Just a kiss. Just to know what it feels like.
As she thought about taking the lead in closing the distance, shifting invariably toward him, Julian exhaled. The sound was loud enough to make her pause. The curls on her cheek ruffled and she blinked in surprise.
Then he was rising in the next moment, moving away from her and standing.
Cold air surrounded her once she was alone. Wrapping her arms around herself, Genevieve worried she had misread the situation. She swallowed and looked up at him with a furrowed brow.
I must have done something wrong.
