Page 2 of Only You
“He tried to joke and be like his old self, but I wasn’t buying it. I pushed him too hard to tell me what happened and who did it to him. I swear I would have burned the world down for him. But he wouldn’t tell me anything, and I ended up making him push me away. He shut down, and then they sent me away before I could even apologize and promise I wouldn’t bring it up anymore.”
“Tatum . . .”
“I tried to go back a couple of times, but he was already gone. I didn’t know how to track him down, and I believed him when he said he didn’t want to see me again. That I needed to leave him alone. So I just let him go.”
“But you still think about him.”
I don’t deny it, even though it wasn’t a question. He knows me well enough to know the truth.
“You should go talk to him.” I snort at the thought, standing up from the step and tired of talking about it. “You should go talk to him,” he says it again firmly, looking into my eyes. “I saw that man. I saw his eyes. Tatum, I think there’s a reason he showed back up in your life.”
“Look, just because you’re coupled up and happy, don’t try to pretend you believe in fate and sunshine and rainbows.”
“I think there’s a reason you two kept crossing paths.” He places a hand on my shoulder, not losing eye contact. “I know you haven’t stopped thinking about him. Hell, maybe that’s why you sat next to me at that meeting. The day we met.”
“You don’t look anything like Remy.” I shake my head.
“Not physical looks. You saw something in me. Someone that needed healing.” I hate that he picked up on that. That he knows.
“I’m not a healer. I left him, Kellan. I left him behind, and I moved on. It’s been a decade.”
“So? I definitely know something about leaving people behind—you never truly do. They were always there. They were always the end goal. I think Remy is yours.”
“I gotta go.”
I start to walk away, but he reaches out, holding me in place. “Don’t run.”
“I’m not.” I pull away from him, finally, and walk out to my truck. I try desperately to push it all away.
To not think about Remy—the broken boy I left behind. The one I can’t stop thinking about.
But I know I need to. I can’t ruin him again. I can’t take him pushing me away, and I know that makes me a coward, but I have to believe he’s doing just fine without me.
Probably much better without me.
I can’t do any more damage to him. I won’t.
No matter how much my brain is pleading for it—to make sure he’s okay.
I’m going to stay away for good.
I won’t ever hurt him again.
TWO
I’m so tired of going to meetings. I know it’s better than using. I know that. But listening to people go on and on about their day—and what they did that day and what they felt that day—it’s too much sometimes.
I just want to scream.
But I know I have to keep going. Kellan—he’s kind of different. Definitely an addict, but he’s one who doesn’t really need to go to these meetings often, only when he really needs to be grounded.
Me?
I need them. I have to go consistently to remind myself why I want to stay sober. To remind myself why being numb isn’t the answer. Because listening to all these people go on and on about feelings—that makes me go numb too. And I fucking hate it.
But hearing how relying on drugs and alcohol changed their lives in the worst possible ways—that’s the part that reminds me I can’t go back to that life. I don’t even know the number of times I nearly died from going overboard—from trying like hell to quiet the memories.
There were times I prayed for death—but then I met Kellan. He had this goal—he was going to get clean, and he was going to get his siblings and keep them safe. For whatever reason, that was enough for me. It became my goal too. It was going to happen—we were going to make that happen, and goddammit, we did it.
