Page 40 of Only You
“What?” I ask coyly, and he punches me in the arm.
“How was your date? How are things with Remy? You can’t just tell us you’re going out on a date and then disappear. That’s just fucking rude.”
I cackle at his dramatics but smile when I think about Remy. “Good. Really good.”
“Yeah?” My best friend looks happy for me, that’s for sure. “Still scared?”
“Every fucking second,” I answer him honestly.
“Do you need the gay sex talk?” He throws back more of my words at me, and okay—I was a shithead, and I deserve it.
“Fuck off,” I say, but I’m not angry. “We have that part covered.”
His eyes bug a little at that, and I laugh. “What? You’re surprised?” Not that I’m going into any details, and really all we’ve done is rub off on one another and kiss—all the kissing, goddamn, do I love kissing him—but it’s been more than enough. I’ve felt more pleasure in the past few days than I have in my lifetime
“I guess I shouldn’t be. It’s you.”
“What’s that mean?” I ask, pretty much already knowing what he means.
“You go all-in. I’ve never really seen you second-guess a thing in your life.” He shrugs, stretching his legs out in front of him. “Well, until Remy. You’ve questioned everything with him.”
“Not everything,” I say curtly. “Once I realized I wanted to be his friend, we were friends. When I wanted more...” I stop because I guess I did hesitate. “I just didn’t want to hurt him.”
Kellan places a heavy hand on my shoulder. “I’m happy for you, man. Just wait. Soon you’ll be just like Phillip and me. All coupled up and happy. Grossing everyone out.”
I fake gag and receive another punch in the arm. It’s how we show affection. It works for us. I rub my arm, but it doesn’t really hurt. “We’ll never be as gross as you two.”
He laughs heartily. “You do love him though, right?”
I can’t seem to actually make a sound when I try to answer, so I reply with a quick nod.
“Have you told him?”
I shake my head, still not able to form actual words.
“Why not?” I kind of hate my best friend right now. Though not really.
“I guess I’m hesitating,” I quip. And I hate it, to be honest. I want to scream that I love Remy right to his face and then tell the whole world, but I can’t seem to do it. I hold back.
Because I’m terrified it’ll send him running far away from me. “You think he doesn’t love you back?”
“I don’t want to talk about this,” I say and stand up. “Why the hell are you so chatty now? This is fucking weird.”
“Quit being a baby,” he says, totally unbothered by my ranting. “That man loves you. And you love him.”
I sigh because I think he may love me too, but there’s this deep-seated fear that maybe I’m reading too much into everything. I mean, he did break a rule for me and let me take him out on a date, and hell, he even let me kiss him. But it’s the what-ifs that are killing me. “I’m waiting.”
“For what?” he asks, just gazing up at me from his comfortable seat on the couch, his arms draped over the back.
“Him.”
He purses his lips in understanding—an understanding I don’t think he likes. “That’s not like you. You don’t wait. You go for it.”
Unshakable fear sits in my belly because I do just go for things, but look where that got me. “Yeah, and I went for it last time and pushed him away. He ran, and I didn’t see him for adecade. I won’t risk that again.” I’m honest with Kellan, and I can see the understanding in his eyes, but I can also see that he’s about to call me out on my bullshit.
“You were kids, and he’d experienced something horrible.” I never have and never will tell anyone about what actually happened to Remy. And I don’t even know the full extent, I’m pretty sure and may never know, not that I need all the details, but that doesn’t mean Kellan doesn’t know something bad happened. “This isn’t that.” He stands up, and I hate that he doesn’t look away from me. He holds my gaze and makes me pay attention. “This is love, and it’s a good thing.”
“You’re sappy as shit,” I say, but there’s no real animosity behind it.
