Page 43 of Merciless Queen
“Harlow, for the first time in your life, be selfish. Choose yourself. Cat, and Luca, and everyone else is working so hard to kill Vincenzo and get those girls free. Cat destroyed two shipments and saved five dozen women. She is going to kill him. She’s going to make you happy again.”
I was sobbing. My lungs were burning. I wasn’t sure if it was because of what Elizabeth said to me or if it was because of Caterina.
“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.”
“No one is angry with you. Neither am I. I love you, Harlow. I understand more than anyone the battle going on in your head. I just don’t want you to give up. Life can be beautiful after the darkness passes.”
I nodded, hiccupping. “Am I going to be a prisoner in this room? Or can I get fresh air?” I needed to get out of this house. “I’m not going to do anything, I just need a moment before everyone bombards me with questions.”
“I don’t know.”
“Please. I’m not going to do anything. I’m sorry. I couldn’t handle the guilt, and I wanted it to end, but you’re right, Lizzy. If I kill myself, he wins. I’m out of his hands for now. I don't need to go back. Please. I’ll be back when I clear my head. And I want to feel the sun on my face. It’s felt like years.”
“Okay. Twenty minutes, but if you aren’t back by then, I will tell Cat.”
I nodded and crawled out of the bed. Grasping the railing as I gathered my footing. “Do I wear her clothes?”
She nodded. “Here’s sweats and a t-shirt. It’s comfortable. We can get you a better wardrobe later.”
After I changed, Elizabeth walked with me downstairs and opened the front door. “Go before I change my mind.”
“I love you. Thank you.”
I ambled down the steps and walked toward the back of the house. The gardens were calling to me, but the property was vast, and I needed the fresh air to clear the storm in my mind. I followed a winding trail that led me to a small cabin-style house half a mile away from the main house. It was small and modest, with a worn picket fence wrapped around it.
It was perfect.
The gate creaked slightly as I pushed it open, revealing tranquility. The garden was a riot of colors, a smaller version of the main one in the front, with vibrant flowerbeds lining thefence line. The aroma of fresh flowers mingled in the fresh air, a sweet and calming fragrance that cleared my mind. In the corner stood a grand oak tree, its gnarled branches stretching out like welcoming arms. I took a deep breath, letting the serenity of the place wash over me. The gentle breeze danced through the flowers as I walked toward the tree. This was what I needed, the peaceful serenity of nature, a sanctuary.
My fingers brushed against the rough bark as I slid down and rested on the trunk, the grass cool under me as the damp blades seeped through the thick material of the sweatpants. I let my head fall back, the wind threading through my hair as I stared at the twisting shapes of the branches. My mom would always take me to the park when I was younger, especially when I showed an interest in art. Nature was my muse, even if my chicken scratch was not museum quality back then. It was my escape.
When I was questioning my sexuality, I would find myself painting silhouettes of girls, creating love stories through art before it finally hit me. My mom was the one who found my art and questioned me about it, which made me question myself more, and then I fell in love with Mallory, or what a pre-teen’s version of love was.
I wrapped my arms around my knees as tears fell from my eyes. Thinking about my mother was always hard, the sensation like an elephant sitting on my chest. “Oh, Mama, I miss you so much.” I toyed with my bandages. “I’m sorry I tried to hurt myself. I told you I would fight, but it’s so hard. I feel so lost. I’m so broken.”
I sobbed to myself, warm tears streaming down my face with a rawness that felt almost cleansing. My shoulders shook with the force of each sob as the reality of what I almost did washed over me. I almost let him win, let him have power over me even in death, but it was so goddamn hard trying to be okay when I knew I was not. Who was I if I was not in a constant state offear? I didn’t know how to have a normal life, to live like a demon wasn’t on my shoulder tormenting me all the time.
My body shook uncontrollably as sobs continued to wrack my body. The tears kept flowing, and even with hiccupping breaths, I couldn’t stop them. It was like my body and mind were both breaking down, allowing me to grieve the girl I once was, and the one who was rescued from Vincenzo. I hadn't truly processed my situation, scared that Caterina would be a monster like Vincenzo, or this happy story would fade to nothing.
“I just want my life to be normal again.” My words flew in the breeze, like a message to the heavens. “Why did he have to do it, Mama? Why did Daddy ruin our lives? He destroyed us. He made promises and he still died. God, I miss you so fucking much. I just want to hear your voice again and feel your comforting embrace. I won’t hurt myself again. I’ll live for you.”
I wiped my eyes, my sobs evening out as I decided it was probably time to go back before Elizabeth sent in the cavalry.The last thing I needed was someone ruining my serenity.
Before I had the chance to stand, I heard two vicious growls, making the hair on the back of my neck stand. I turned and saw two big, solid, black Dobermans almost the size of wolves with drool dripping down their jaws. The best thing to do was not to panic or scream, triggering them to attack. Of course Caterina would have rabid dogs. They matched her personality. I didn’t scream or freak out. Instead, I lifted my hand out and allowed them to sniff me.
CHAPTER 34
Caterina
“Hey, Cat,”Elizabeth greeted. She had more pep in her step and seemed happier today than before. “You’ll like to know that Harlow woke up about forty minutes ago.”
“Excellent. Where is she now?”
“She needed air, so she’s outside.”
I stiffened. “Outside where?”
Her brows furrowed. “I figured the gardens. Isn’t that where she normally goes when she needs to clear her mind?”
