Page 46 of Merciless Queen
“And now?”
I gave her a frail smile. “I want to try. I know I’m not okay. I know I need to talk and stop pretending everything will be fine. I have a long way to go before I am okay.”
“And how are you feeling now?”
“Scared. Exhausted. Guilty.”
“Why do you feel guilty?”
“Angel died because of me.”
She set her notepad down and leaned forward. “What happened to Angel was not your fault. You didn’t kill her. Vincenzo did.”
“She died because I was here with Caterina. I don’t want anyone else to get hurt because of me.”
“Angel’s death will be avenged, and I know it is going to be hard, but her death will not be in vain. I want to move our sessions to four times a week instead of two. Is that okay with you?”
“Y-Yeah. I think I can talk about what happened to me next session.”
After the session with Serena, my stomach grumbled, and I made my way to the kitchen finding Lizzy, Luca, and Antonio. Lizzy was laughing at something Luca said as she playfully pushed his arm. I smiled at them as I stepped closer. Lizzy looked up and smiled brightly at me.
“Antonio made baked ziti. Have some. It tastes just like sex.”
I frowned. “How does sex taste?”
“Babe,” Luca chastised.
“Sorry. That’s a bad analogy. It tastes really good. I compare it to amazing sex with Luca. I promise it’s really good.”
“You know, I don’t know how that feels,” I admitted in a whisper.
Lizzy gave me a sympathetic look. “You will. One day. You’ll find someone who would burn the world for you.”
I glanced at Luca. “Does he?”
Lizzy grabbed Luca’s hand, squeezing gently. “Yeah. He would burn the world just to see me smile, but I would do the same thing for him. He’s my person in this fucked up world.”
“What did you do when you finally decided not to let them have control? Like with your body?”
“I explored my body. It wasn’t the first time I touched myself, but I finally got to choose my pleasure. It took me a while to do it and not have flashbacks, but then my pleasure was my own. I wanted to move on, but I didn’t trust people. I trusted Cat and Spencer,” she explained. “Spencer is a domme. I knew a little about kink before, and with them I knew I would be in control and safe. I’m pansexual, so being able to explore with herhelped me heal. It’s hard to explain, but I was safe. Eventually, my feelings grew for Luca, and I was petrified of another man touching me, but we both had broken pieces that wanted each other.”
“That’s an understatement,” Luca muttered.
“We both needed safety, and we found it. This is your journey. Having sex is not something you need to rush into.”
“I know. I want the chance to choose now.”
“Yes. This life, your happiness, is your choice.” She smiled. “I have books if you want to read more, too. It’s not a guide, but it’s nice. Also, back to reality. We need to get your wedding dress. You get married in five days, unless we need to reschedule.”
I shook my head. Everything would continue as planned. “We can leave the house?”
She frowned. “No, babes. Not yet. I have dresses in my room for you to choose from. We’ll go to the church in five days, and I think if you ask Cat, she’ll take you somewhere for the honeymoon.”
I nodded as we walked up to her room. Marriage was something I wanted growing up, but with Vincenzo, I never expected to have it. Technically, I still didn’t have it. Our marriage was fake, but I thought I wanted it to be real. When I was around her, I felt butterflies in my stomach, and when she kissed me, fireworks exploded. This was going to break my heart because I was falling in love with a woman who said she would never love me.
After trying on a handful of dresses, I found one that was breathtakingly beautiful on me. The person looking back at me wasn’t one I recognized. I felt stunning. I felt beautiful. I’d read where the bride knew she found the one, and this was it. My marriage may have been a farce, but the wedding was going to be beautiful.
CHAPTER 36
