Page 52 of Merciless Queen
“I liked it. The pleasure was perfect, but I felt guilty for enjoying it. My pleasure was taken from me for years. If I had an orgasm, there was guilt that followed.”
She pulled her arms around me and kissed my shoulder. “You have nothing to be ashamed or embarrassed about,bellissima. We never have to try again, or we can move at your pace. You have the power and control over your own body, and it would be my honor to help you, if you want me to.”
There was a lump in my throat, and I knew I needed to change the topic before I started sobbing again. “So, we’re getting married tomorrow?” It seemed like an appropriate time to talk about our wedding.
“Yes.”
“Is there anything I should be prepared for? Family or friends? Exes?”
“Family won’t be an issue. They’ve waited for me to get married for a while. My aunt Petunia will ask when we’re having kids. Ignore her. There will be a few people who give us a side eye for a gay marriage. As for exes, none of them are worth thehassle. I didn’t really date anyone. It’s been a lot of bed warmers, especially after my mother died. So someone will be jealous, but don’t let them bother you.”
“Thank you for tonight, Caterina. I’m sorry it wasn’t exactly magical.”
“If you enjoyed it, that’s all that matters. Thank you.”
CHAPTER 41
Harlow
Looking in the mirror,I looked like a different girl. I was not the same girl I was a month ago. I looked healthier, my eyes were shining again, and my skin wasn’t aging by the second. Elizabeth did my hair in loose waves and pinned the right side with a pearl flower clip. Caterina paid someone to do my makeup, and I looked so much like my mother. She loved a smokey eye and a bold lip.
The dress was beautiful. A halter neckline with a crystal-encrusted corset bodice and an open back. Sheer floral appliques cascaded down the A-line skirt with a layer of linear glitter that shone from beneath. Lizzy had to explain all the details for me. It was all a foreign language to me, but I felt and looked like a princess.
With us needing to make it believable, a photographer came in and snapped pictures of me, the ring, and the flowers. After the ceremony, we would take more pictures later, and then there would be a reception that I was not looking forward to, but I needed to try and associate with the outside world. I needed to stop being scared and start living my life. I wanted to askCaterina if we could do something together so I could get out of the house.
Ten years was a long time to be trapped, and the world had changed so much. I wanted to explore and adapt to my new surroundings while trying my best to heal. I was learning to accept that healing took time. Some days would be good, and others would be like climbing Mount Everest. She asked me every session if I wanted to harm myself again, and as of right now, it was the same—I didn’t.
What Lizzy told me when I woke up stuck with me, and now I wanted to live. To fight, even if guilt was eating me alive. I refused to give Vincenzo another victory and kill myself. When Caterina finally killed him, I would be at peace. At least, I hoped so.
To make it more personal and intimate, Caterina planned the wedding in her gardens. Only her close family and afew friendswere invited to come. For the idea of a small wedding, there were over a hundred people here. My anxiety was through the roof with these strangers. I was scared I was going to see a familiar face of one of the men who hurt me in the last ten years.
Lizzy and Luca walked into my room for the night, and Lizzy’s eyes shone with tears. Since I didn’t have someone to walk me down the aisle, Luca volunteered. “You look beautiful, Harlow. A real bride.”
I caught myself before I said it wasn’t real, but I was going to pretend tonight. “Thank you. I feel like a princess.”
“Let’s go get you married.”
The ceremony was traditional with a priest, which surprised me. I guessed Caterina and her family could persuade the church to officiate a gay marriage, but I didn’t question it. Caterina looked beautiful. She only wore dresses when it was a fundraiser or something like our engagement party, but she looked beautiful in white. Her hair was in loose curls, and hermakeup was a little heavier than what it normally was, but she looked exquisite.
I wished my mom was here. I knew this was fake, but it felt real. The dresses, the decorations, her family. It was intimate and beautiful. My mom always loved weddings. She said she never got a real wedding because she got pregnant with me at such a young age. My parents went to the courthouse and eloped, but I was the girl who dreamt of a big wedding that my mom would help me plan.
Tears fell from my eyes as my chest tightened. In another life, my mom would be walking me down the aisle as I walked to the love of my life. In another life, I would be happy, and the nightmare would be just that—a nightmare. I thought Mom would have liked Caterina. She always loved badass women in movies, and Caterina was the embodiment of a badass.
After our vows were read, the priest told Caterina she could kiss her bride. When her lips were on mine, the crowd of people, the cheers, and the champagne popping faded into nothing. It was just the two of us for the longest of moments before she pulled away from me and kissed me again, the second one shorter than the first. She took my hand and raised it in the air. I followed suit like we just accomplished a big win. For her, it was a big win. For me, it was my safety net.
After fifteen minutes of pictures and congratulations, Caterina took me to the dance floor in the center of the gardens as slow instrumental music played. She wrapped her hand around my waist, and mine went around her neck.
“You look beautiful,” she complimented me.
“It’s your dress and your people who did it.”
She kissed my jawline, nuzzling her face into my neck. “It’s simply because of how breathtaking you look,bellissima.”
My heart tugged. “You know you don’t have to do that. The compliments. This isn’t real, so why pretend that it is?”
“I may be a bitch, but words of affirmations are always needed. I’m not lying when I tell you how beautiful you look. Accept them. Nothing is going to happen to you when you accept them.”
“T-Thank you.”
