Page 72 of Merciless Queen
If anyone knew the feelings screaming in my head, it would be Lizzy. It'd been two weeks since that night in Caterina’s office, but I needed someone else's perspective on the situation before I went insane.
“Uhm, h-how was sex yo-you know…after?”
She sighed, grasping my hand. “Harlow, I’m not going to lie to you. It was hard. Surviving what we did isn’t easy. The nightmares. The flashbacks. Even now I still struggle, but it’s not nearly as bad. In that place, we were numb. Now, away from the darkness, we can breathe, and with that, our demons become loud and aggressive.”
I laughed. “No kidding.”
“I couldn’t let anyone touch me for months. I didn’t even want therapy at first, but then I finally started going and it helped. God, I hated Serena for a while, I wanted to rip her throat out, but she understands what I went through. I’m pan, so when I finally wanted to try and have sex again and regain my control, I knew I needed to try being with a woman. I was with Spencer for a while. She has a calming aura and this badass personality that instantly attracted me. We started off small. Oral. Masturbating together. Then I was ready to go further. We used toys, getting ready for her to use her strap on me. I was terrified of anything shaped like a penis, attached to a man or not. I was scared, but with Spencer, I knew I was safe. Spencer wasn’t rough. She talked me through it, and it was spectacular.”
“How was it when you and Luca first slept together?”
“I got triggered the first time with him, but he immediately stopped and held me as I cried in the shower. I kept apologizing for being broken and told him he should just leave me. There was too much baggage to handle. That’s when Luca told me what his mother did to him. It’s not my story to tell, but he told me I was not broken. At the time, I was only cracked. Turns out, I needed to be in control. Luca trusted me to give up his control. That’s what he had a difficult time processing. It was hard for him, but he knew I needed it. Together, we heal each other every day because we love each other. We explore new things and new kinks.”
“Do you have intense sexual fantasies? Ones that should scare you because of what you experienced?”
“Are you talking about CNC?”
My brows creased. “What is that?”
“CNC is consensual non consent. It’s a type of role playing, but it can be intense. CNC has a wide spectrum. Somnophilia is sex when one person is sleeping. Kidnapping. Being sold. Blackmail. Everything within CNC is talked about with a partner. There are risks. And your partner and you should go over safe words sincenoandstopwould be used when in the scene.”
“Why do I want that? After everything I’ve been through? I talked to Caterina about it already, but I don’t think she understands the screaming in my head.”
She pulled me closer to her. “Oh trust me, I understand. I spent three hours crying in Serena’s office. When I met Luca, I started having dreams. I was back at the warehouse with those men, but the faces morphed into Luca, and I wasn’t as scared, but still terrified. I didn’t understand it at all. I thought there was something wrong with me. For some survivors of sexual assault, it gives us a way to heal.”
“H-How?”
“I know how it sounds. I was once in your shoes. Before, we didn’t have a voice or the power to say no, but with a partner that you trust, you can say no. You can make it stop. You have the power.”
“That’s exactly what Caterina said.”
“Caterina is the best person you can have. She would never force herself on another person. She won’t hurt you.”
I laughed, remembering the first time we met after she kidnapped me. “Lizzy, you do remember she kidnapped me with the intention of killing me, right?”
“That was all foreplay, cause now y’all can’t keep your hands off each other. We all know what happened in the gym and your art room.”
I rolled my eyes. “Uh huh. So, you and Luca did a scene or something?”
“Mhhm…The first time we did it, we reenacted the night I was taken. We had to use the club, and Cat knew it was a scene so no one would try to shoot Luca. That was the night I lost my control. The night I became helpless. I wanted to tell myself that I was safe and no longer in that life. No one would hurt me again, and even if they tried, I’m not the same woman I was when they took me.” She took a deep breath. “I had a panic attack, and he stopped the scene. I didn’t have to beg or cry for him to stop. He knew I was panicking and stopped, given we were reenacting my kidnapping, but he knew I needed a second. ‘You’re safe, baby. You’re doing such a good job,’ he reassured me constantly until I was ready again. I needed to do this. I needed to heal myself. I knew I was safe, and I wanted to do this with him. We continued. I knew I had control of the situation and with one word I could make it all stop. It started my healing journey with the man I love.”
“I’m really glad you have him, Lizzy.”
“Me too. He is my saving grace. But you have Cat, and I know she was a bitch to you before, but that’s just what her father drilled into her head after her mom was murdered by Vincenzo. I’ve never seen her the way she is with you. She’s embracing herself. Cat is the big bad mafia boss, but she is also an amazing woman. I’m glad you made her realize that.”
I nodded, smiling gently. “I didn’t think I would be able to find someone to love me after, but I’m not scared of her. She makes me feel really good, and the sex is incredible. I don’t know how my body or my mind will react if we do anything morethan oral or her fingers. Which makes me wonder why I want something when I don’t think I can handle it.”
“Don’t feel ashamed for wanting to experiment or for how you want sex to be. Cat likes rougher sex. I think CNC is something new for her as well, but just talk to her. You do not need to jump into a fantasy or anything remotely in CNC. CNC involves a lot of communication and planning. You can’t just jump into it. Luca and I had to wait five months before I was truly ready to do it. Embrace your freedom. Fill the painful memories and experiences you suffered through with new and happy ones.”
I pulled Lizzy into a tight hug. “Thank you. This talk made me feel a lot better. Now, can you help me get ready for a date with Cat?”
CHAPTER 58
Caterina
I decidedto tell my father how I truly felt about Harlow, and I knew it would be a disaster, but the only thing keeping me going right now was my date with my queen. Did I really think I could hold myself back from her? Harlow was beautiful and magnificent in every way imaginable. Even with the trauma she endured, she found a way to smile and see the beauty in life. I envied that about her. Once I lost my mother, I didn't care about anything or anyone. I became a cold-hearted bitch like my father.
“Papa,” I called out to him as I walked into his home. After he went on a binge and shit hit the fan, he retreated to our lake house when he was not using our villa in Italy. “I need to talk to you.”
