Page 40 of Rendez-Vous in Cannes
Anna could see Leo waiting for her on the quay as the ferryboat pulled alongside the pontoon. The last to step ashore, Anna ran towards him, a feeling of relief washing over her as he put his arms around her and held her tightly for several seconds without speaking.
‘Are you all right?’ he asked finally, holding her at arm’s length and studying her face. ‘I was so worried when you didn’t return.’
‘I’m sorry, Leo. I just needed to be on my own to read the papers Jacques gave me and to think about what he’d said. To have a good think about everything really.’
Leo looked at Anna questioningly as he noticed the envelopes sticking out of her bag for the first time.
‘I’ll tell you what happened this morning as we walk back to the villa,’ Anna said. She tucked her hand into Leo’s. ‘Preparations going okay for the party?’
Leo nodded. ‘Think Poppy is getting stressed having to take decisions she feels you should be making, but other than that, things are on schedule for this evening.’
‘I do feel guilty for not being around this morning.’ Anna answered. ‘Although I’ve never felt less like a party in my life,’ she added quietly. Walking along the bord de mer, Anna told Leo the name of the woman who had contacted Philippe. ‘Felicity Howell. Which means nothing to Jacques, Bernard or me.’
She told him too about the long-lost letter from Philippe and the journal that Jacques had given her.
‘I wish I’d come back to Cannes years ago and found Philippe. Told him the truth. My life could have been so different. So much better.’ She sighed. ‘Still it’s too late now.’
Leo was silent and Anna glanced at him, concerned. She’d clearly upset him today, first by disappearing and now by inferring how much better her life would have been if she’d married Philippe all those years ago. Anna bit her lip. The last thing she wanted to do was hurt Leo. She loved him too much. Before she could say anything, Leo started to speak.
‘I don’t think you coming to Cannes this year was a very good idea,’ Leo said slowly. ‘You seem to have jumped on to an emotional roller coaster that is in danger of running you over. I dread to think what would have happened if Philippe had been here in person.’ Leo indicated an empty bench overlooking the beach and the Mediterranean. ‘Let’s sit down for a few moments. I need to say something to you. I don’t think it can wait until after the party like I hoped, after all.’
Obediently, Anna followed Leo across to the bench and sat down. As Leo took her hand in his, he gently played with her fingers before starting to speak.
‘I’m beginning to wonder if Philippe hadn’t died and the two of you had met up again this week, whether you and I would still be together.’ He was silent for a moment, gazing out to sea before turning to face her. ‘This pining for something that might have been has to stop, Anna, if we are to have any sort of future.’ His hand holding hers squeezed so hard, Anna thought her fingers would drop off. ‘We are both old enough to know, and accept, that nothing is ever simply black or white – particularly with the baggage we all collect as we go through life. By the time we get to our age,’ Leo shrugged. ‘Well, there’s usually lots of it. I have baggage of my own.’
He was silent for a second or two before continuing.
‘Anna, we have to be totally honest with each other before our relationship can go any further. I love you with all my heart – I feel we’re soulmates. But I’m scared I’m only second best for you after Philippe. I’m worried too that there is always going to be a dead third presence hovering between us. A presence that won’t allow me to get as close to you as I want to. I truly couldn’t bear that.’
Anna stared out across the bay, knowing that whatever she said to Leo in the future, nothing would ever be more important than the words she said right now.
‘Leo, you must never ever think again you’re second best in my life. These months since I’ve known you have been the happiest of my adult life. I didn’t expect to ever love and be loved in return – I thought it was far too late. I do love you, Leo, and I can’t imagine my life without you in it.’ Anna paused. ‘What you said about us being soulmates is true. I’m sorry about inflicting my pain over the past and Philippe on to you. I don’t want a dead presence coming between us any more than you do. But it’s Philippe’s legacy that is at stake here.’ Her hand still rested in Leo’s, clenched into a fist. ‘It’s the possibility of finally meeting my son, Jean-Philippe, that is really beginning to tear me apart in all this.’
Anna turned to face Leo, her voice taking on a desperate note. ‘You’ve got children. Imagine if you no longer had any contact with Alison. Or your Luke? If there was a possibility you would never see your grandchild when it’s born. How would you feel? I know the whole sorry business is my fault – I was the one who denied Philippe his rights as a father when I gave Jean-Philippe away – but now if there’s just a chance I can explain things, make amends in some way, then I have to try. Please help me to get through this, Leo.’
‘Anna, I promise I’ll give you all the help I can but when will all this torment stop? When we leave here at the end of the week or will you carry on punishing yourself for the past? Beating yourself up with guilt? It’s impossible to know what Philippe’s true feelings were for you all those years ago, or whether things would have worked out if you and he had stayed together. As for Jean-Philippe,’ Leo shook his head. ‘Who knows what kind of effect finding him will have on your – on our – lives?’
Anna handed him the letter Philippe had written. ‘No, it’s not impossible to know what Philippe’s true feelings were. Read this and then tell me I shouldn’t feel guilty about things.’
She stared at Leo’s impassive face as he read the letter, trying to gauge his reaction to the emotions expressed by Philippe so long ago.
‘Now do you see why I can’t give up this emotional roller coaster, as you called it, until I have some sort of closure?’ she asked quietly as Leo handed back the letter.
He nodded. ‘I still think you’re wrong to take one hundred per cent of the blame on your shoulders. There were other people involved too.’
‘I know,’ Anna said. ‘But I’m the last one left who can try to right the mistakes that were made.’
Leo sighed. ‘L.P. Hartley was damn right when he said the past is a foreign country. It’s certainly not a place I’m keen to visit for long. I just want us to get back on track to enjoying the rest of our lives together.’
‘We will, I promise. I’m looking forward to the future with you so much,’ Anna said. ‘There’s something else you have to know. Something that never ever occurred to me was a possibility.’
Leo looked at her warily and waited for her to continue.
‘Philippe has named me as a beneficiary in his will. I have to meet his lawyers tomorrow morning for them to tell me what that means exactly. Will you come with me this time please, Leo?’
‘Yes, but I need you to promise me one thing, Anna. Whatever happens, please don’t let it come between us and destroy what we have now in the present.’
‘I promise,’ Anna said and, oblivious to passers-by, leant forward and kissed Leo passionately.
