Page 84 of The Tsar's Obsession
“No one needs your fucking coke money.” She laughed bitterly and ripped her hands out of mine, once and for all. "Do not follow me, Kirill. Do not contact me, do not look for me, do notstalkme. I don't want anything to do with you and I never want to see you again.” This must have been just a nightmare; nothing was making sense. “You’ve really hurt me, and I can't forgive you. Iwon’tforgive you. No matter what you say or do. I don’t believe anything you say anyway.” Her tears never ceased, such pain and disappointment reflecting in her eyes. “Because you’re a liar."
I wasn’t; I wasn’t a liar!
“Mia, Mia, please, please, wait!” My knees hit the ground, and I gripped her hips, refusing to let her go. She cried silently into her hands, both of us knowing that my fuck-up was irreparable in her eyes. “Baby, we can work this out. I promise. Just give me a chance to make it right, Mia; don’t walk away,” I begged, the sound so foreign to my ears. “I love you so much, Mia. I will do anything to fix this.”
Oh God, my cheek pressed into her stomach, my fingers buried into her, I held on like she was a life raft and I was about to go down into the freezing water with the Titanic. This was turning into the biggest tragedy of my life.
“I can’t.” Mia’s quiet voice crushed all hope after the fragile pause. “There’s nothing to say. I have to go. I can’t be with you, in your world, knowing what you’ve done.” Her gentle fingers pushed on my shoulders, but I refused to let go. On my knees, my own tears poured down my face, knowing that this was it. She’d made the decision, and I knew I could never keep her against her will. “Let go…let me go. It’s all over.”
Mia stumbled out of my grasp, her footsteps echoing awayfrom me with every beat of my heart. Like a zombie, I followed her down the street, my head empty and my heart ripped out of me.
"I can't let you go like that into nothing, Mia...” A cab pulled up, and I watched, as if handcuffed, how she opened the door, about to disappear from my life, and I was powerless to stop her.
All the power in the world that I possessed, all my influence, all my money, respect, and authority—I would have thrown it all away if that had stopped her. “Ilya will drive you where you need to go; please remember that you’re not safe. This can’t be the end.” My feeble attempt was a last-ditch effort to merely stop her actions, but she never paused.
"I'm no longer a part of your world, so my safety is not your concern anymore. Goodbye...Kirill." The cab door shut behind her, and the car left, taking my heart and soul and reason for being along with it.
I didn’t know what happened after that.
There was no more purpose. What was I doing with my life? What was I working for? What was I living for? I was here, thousands of miles away from home, my world precarious, my life on the line, and my heart no longer intact.
No pain I’d ever endured—not a bullet, not a blade, not a prison cell—came close to this heartbreak.
She was gone, and so was my will to exist.
Time blurred. Days bled into nights; it was all pointless. Dark thoughts settled inside my mind, her words repeating on a loop.You’re a liar. You lied to me. You will never touch me again. Everything between us is over.
No sleep, no food, just nicotine. I smoked nonstop, waiting for my body to shut off. My mind would spiral into never-ending doom, where I would question every single choice I’d made in my life.
I never cried. Men don’t cry. It was drilled into me as a child. My life, my culture, and my surroundings all reinforced that paradigm, but every day, every night without her, I cried. I bawled; I sobbed like the pathetic shell of a human being that I’d become.
I didn’t want to do this anymore. I didn’t want to be at the top. I only wanted Mia. But if I wasn’t The Tsar, then who was I?
It had been a week of agony when a call from a blocked number interrupted my ruminations. Viv. She showed up at the door to collect some of Mia’s things, beating my battered heart into a pulp. Mia was sticking with this decision.
Viv made her way into my and Mia’s home, but I had no energy to greet her. I merely lay on the couch, the cigarette burning between my lips, the ashtray overflowing. Silently, she collected what Mia asked for. Mia. My angel, my life.
“Is she safe?” My broken voice startled me. I knew where she was. Yuri diligently updated me on her whereabouts. I didn’t know why I asked, maybe to have Viv stay and tell me something about the love of my life. How was she?
Viv jumped at my voice but lingered by the door. "Yeah. She’s safe. But if you're really asking if she's okay, no, she's not."
I had nothing to respond. "Okay, well, I'm going to go," Viv spoke uncertainly, but again, to my own surprise, I spoke up.
"Tell her to be careful.” That was the dumbest thing I could say; Mia knew that. “I don’t know when they will come after her—but they will. Warn her.” My head pounding, I sat up and tried to focus on Viv standing by the door. I hadn’t eaten anything since it happened, and I was lightheaded and nauseous.
Viv froze in the doorway, staring at me in mild disgust. The man she last saw was long gone. I was all hollow.
"Okay...who will come?" Viv asked carefully, wide-eyed and still.
"The ones who poisoned her mind against me." Whoever sent that fucking letter. Whoever was playing these fucking games with my life, my love.
You're a fucking criminal and a murdererand a rapist too. God knows you lie about everything!
Mia’s harsh words rang in my ears once more. If she hadn’t received that fucking letter filled with lies, maybe the situation wouldn’t have descended into the hell I was now living in.
She was angry and upset and heartbroken, but that wasn’t true. Fine, maybe I’d killed, maybe I’d done bad things, but I wasn’t a rapist! I wasn’t a liar! But it all piled onto each other in her heart and mind. Viv interrupted my thoughts once more.
“Look, I don't know what happened to you two, and frankly it's none of my business, but if she's in danger, you have to keep her safe, Kirill.” Keep her safe. That was my sole purpose, and I ignored everything else. The Skhodka was approaching with lightning speed, and I refused to pick up phone calls, resolve issues, or face my own men.
