Page 24 of Like Home
“Take the time you need, but I’m not going anywhere. I’m going to keep showing up.” The words sound both like a promise and vaguely like a threat. He walks me out and kisses my cheek. “I’ll see you Sunday,” he promises. As I walk to my car, I take a deep breath of the cool spring air hoping it will help clear my head.
CHAPTER 16
Ryan
Ionly hear from Summer on Wednesday morning. Usually, we text back and forth throughout the day, and sometimes we’ll call each other at night. I don’t think much of it because I know she’s with her daughter and that one-on-one time is important for them. I choose not to bug her and decide instead to finally set up the home gym I’ve been buying things for.
When most of Thursday comes and goes without hearing from her, I start to wonder what’s going on. We’ve talked throughout the day every day up until yesterday. I psych myself up and call her, hoping I’m not being too much.
I grab the broom from the coat closet and start sweeping the kitchen while I listen to the line ring. It’s a pretty narrow alley kitchen that doesn’t require much work to keep clean, but if I so much as open the fridge it feels like crumbs sprout from the linoleum floor.
Just when I think it will go to voicemail, her sweet, slightly raspy voice says, “Hello?”
I feel my face tug into a smile instantly at the sound. “Hey. How are you? We haven’t talked much the last couple of days.” I hope I don’t sound needy, but she has me nervous. I can’t helpbut wonder if I did something, or maybe she’s realized how boring I am to keep around.
“Oh, um yeah. I’m fine,” she says with a fake sense of casualness. I can hear in her voice that she is definitelynotfine. It’s got that wobbly quality it had when we were dealing with Coconut.
I lean the broom against the counter, unable to focus on sweeping. “You sure? Is everything good with Emma?” I can’t help the pit in my stomach at the thought of something happening to her or Emma. I haven’t met the little girl yet, but with how much Summer talks about her, I feel like I know her.
I hear her sigh. She hesitates a beat before saying, “Emma’s fine. She’s doing great actually. She told me today that she was able to do a back handspring unassisted for the first time at gymnastics.”
“Oh wow, Summer, that’s awesome!” I feel the tension release from my shoulders. I know Emma has been working on that skill for a while. Summer wouldn’t be upset about that though. “So then what’s up? You don’t sound like yourself.” I stick the broom back into the closet and lean against the counter in the silence.
“Jared kissed me last night,” she blurts. I start to see red and realize I’m squeezing the edge of my countertop so hard, it’s going to leave impressions in my palm. I know I don’t have a claim over Summer, but the thought of another man, let alonethatman having his mouth on her makes me want to break things. It’s not the same, but flashes of Lydia and a masculine but posh,“Hullo?”answering her phone flit through my mind. I close my eyes briefly before I process that Summer doesn’t sound happy about the kiss. I start seeing red for another reason.
I force my petty jealousy aside and ask through gritted teeth, “Did he force himself on you?”I’ll kill him,I think.Plenty of new construction sites to hide the body.Okay, I wouldn’t actually kill him, but I might go slam his face into a wall if he forced himself on her.
“No, oh my god no, Ryan. He didn’t force himself on me,”she soothes. I release my grip on the countertops and run my hands through my hair.
Relief hits me first, brisk and sharp, and then my stomach drops, “Oh. I mean, did you want to kiss him?” I don’t want to ask the question, but I promised her we would be friends. I’m not someone who goes back on my promises, and a friend would try to see where her head is at.
“No! He kissed me and then I was so surprised I sort of kissed him back. When I pushed him off of me, he stopped,” she says.
I quickly shake the mental image of Jared with his hands and mouth all over Summer. After a sigh that crackles down the line, she starts over, “He said he wanted to talk after we put Emma to bed. I thought it was going to be about Emma or something, but then he told me he still wanted to be with me and that he still loves me.” My head hangs and I press my lips together, not wanting to interrupt her. “Then he kissed me. It surprised me. What he said, the kiss, all of it, so I kissed him back before I realized what was happening. It’s like muscle memory or something.”
I take the swelling jealousy and compact it back into a nice, small box to examine later. I ask the question I really don’t know if I want the answer to. “Do you want to get back with him?” Even if it kills me, I want her to be happy. If that means I have to just be her friend and watch Jared have her, then so be it. I want to be there for her any way she’ll have me.
“I don’t think so. We were really bad together,” she sighs, “But he brought up Emma and mentioned that I’ve always wanted to give her the childhood I never had. Two parents under the same roof who don’t fight.”The asshole is using Emma to manipulate her.I shake my head, wishing I could show her the woman I see; the one who is worth so much more than what he can give her. Someone who deserves the world.
“Okay,” I say gently. “But how do you know that you two won’t fight again like you were?” I tell myself I’m asking these probing questions to help her and nothing more.
“I don’t. He said that he’s really going to change this time because he’s finally seen what it would be like to be without me. I told him I needed to think, and he said that he would keep showing up and proving that he loves me.” I hear the splashing of her sink and the clanking of dishes, and it makes me smile despite the conversation. Without even talking about it, we’re on the same page. I turn on my own sink and start doing the dishes left over from dinner.
“Listen, this is obviously up to you. If you really want to try again, it sounds like he’s willing,” I grit my teeth before continuing, scrubbing much harder than necessary for the mostly-clean dishes, “But, as your friend, I have to ask that you try to think this through logically. Think about the fact that Emma is doing well right now. You guys have been apart for a month now and she’s still thriving. Is a two-parent household the ideal? Sure. But having two parents that love you, even in different homes, is pretty good too.”
“Trust me, I know it is. I would have killed to have that growing up. I don’t love him anymore. I haven’t for a long time, I think. But it’s just what’s comfortable, you know? Not to mention, I’m terrified I’ll never do better than him. That I’ll have torn apart my daughter’s secure foundation for nothing.” Her voice is tight like she’s holding in tears. Against my will, hope beats in my chest.
‘“I don’t love him anymore.”
After Lydia, I’m terrified of giving everything to someone again. I wasn't okay for a long time after we broke up. I thought I was going to marry her and instead went on a multi-year, soul-searching journey that landed me here. I know that I’ve already given Summer too much when she’s still trying to figure things out. I just can’t seem to help myself where she’s concerned.
I hear my voice soften, “Summer, just from what you’ve told me about the two of you, I know you can do way better than him,”Me for instance. “But you have to decide for yourself.Everyone can tell you how amazing you are and that you deserve the world because you are and you do. But you have to believe it.”
She sniffles and says, “Thanks, Ryan. Sorry for the drama.”
“Don’t apologize, okay? I’m here for you. You heard my whole sob story about my ex and told me that I deserved better. I’m just repaying the favor. You’re allowed to be sad and confused right now.”
“Okay. Are we still on for Saturday?” I can hear the hope in her voice and feel my own bursting in response.
