Page 3 of Like Home
“It’s a book, Jared. You know I like to read.”
“Yeah, but it’s so trashy! I skimmed through it and I can’t believe you read this junk.” He scrunches his nose and tosses the book on the bed towards me. “Is this why you’ve been all over me lately?” He’s going for teasing, but the disapproval rolls off him in toxic waves.
I turn even more red, wishing the bed would open up and swallow me whole. I try to think of a way to explain myself, finally saying, “It’s not just the sex that draws me to them, you know. It’s the romance of it. Not all of the books I read have so much sex in them. Most of them are really sweet, and the focus is on falling in love. They both do everything they can to be together and prove that they love each other.”
“What, our life isn’t good enough? Our sex life isn’t good enough? Do you have to read about fake couples to be happy? You read all the time, every day. Any spare moment. Are you really trying to escape our life that badly?” He sits on the corner of the bed and faces me, his arms crossed over his chest.
I look down and pick at the pilling comforter. “It’s not that ourlife is bad, it’s just that… I don’t know Jared. We’re only twenty-one for fuck’s sake and we already act like an old married couple. When’s the last time we had sex or even went on a date?”I finally look up to meet his eyes, hoping he sees that I’m not trying to hurt him.
“We have Emma! It’s not like we can go out every night with a two-year-old running around,” he argues.
“I’m not asking for every night, but even just once a month would be nice. We could have your mom watch her for us, and we could go out for dinner or a movie.”
“We can do that. Why is it my fault that we don’t?” he retorts.
I sigh. “It’s not just your fault. We both should be doing more. But you can’t play video games every single night when we could be spending time together and expect me to be happy with that. I wouldn’t mind if it was a few nights a week, but I feel like you don’t even want to spend time with me.” I feel tears well up in my eyes and my nose burns. I just want to feel desired.
He comes to sit beside me and wraps an arm around me, squeezing me to his side. “I do want to spend time with you. I’m sorry. I’ll make more of an effort. I just got caught up in the new game with Duncan lately. Why don’t I call my mom tomorrow and ask if she can watch Emma for us on Friday night? We can go get dinneranda movie.” He kisses my temple and continues, “But, Summer, you can’t compare me to those guys in your books. They aren’t real. I doubt there’s a single guy alive who acts the way they do. You know I love you. You shouldn’t need some big gesture to tell you that.”
I nod because at least we’ll be going out on a date this week. Maybe things will get better. Maybe he’s right and I need to let this go.
They did get better. For a week or two, Jared would text me that he loved me out of the blue, bring me home flowers, and we went on a date ending in mild-mannered sex that only left one of us satisfied. Then, once he felt he had done enough, he was back to his old routine. Wash, rinse, repeat.
I get into bed, turning off the bedside lamp as I do. As I stare at the ceiling, dappled with silvery light from the full moon, I wonder if I’ve made a mistake. Maybe Jared was right. Maybe no one will ever love me the way I want to be loved. Maybe I should have just been happy with what he offered. I roll over and try to banish the thought.
Late Sunday morning, Jared comes by to get Emma. I spent the morning helping her pack her sparkly gymnastics bag with all the necessities for a week spent with her dad. I know he got her the basics, so she wouldn’t have to cart her entire life back and forth. But a week’s worth of clothes, toys, gymnastics gear, and her favorite teddy have the bag stuffed to the brim. I had to have Emma sit on it just so I could zip it shut.
Jared slings the bag over his shoulder and carries it out to his truck. I pull Emma in for a hug and kiss the top of her head. I look up and blink to diffuse the tears that are threatening to spill. This will be the longest I’ve ever been away from my daughter. I never wanted her to go through this. I never wanted to have to be without her. “Mommy, why are your eyes shiny?” Emma looks up at me, concern marring her little brows.
“I’m just sad because I’m going to miss you, sweet girl. You’re going to have such a good time with your dad though, okay? Don’t worry about me. I’ll be just fine.” I squeeze her for emphasis.
“Are you sure? Maybe Daddy and I can stay here with you soyou won’t be lonely.” She pouts, trying the same tactic that she uses with her dad.
I laugh at her obvious attempt at emotional warfare. “No, Emma. There’s no need for that. Your dad has his own place and this is mine. You’re so lucky because you get both!”
“Why can’t we all have the same house anymore?”
“Because, baby girl. Daddy and I have decided that this is what’s best for our family. You’ll see. It’s going to be even better than before.” I stroke my hand down her long, tangled ponytail.
“If you say so.” She sighs, giving me one last squeeze before she lets go. “Are you going to call me every night like Daddy does?”
We’ve already been over this, but I can tell she needs the extra reassurance. I’ll do anything I can to make her more comfortable with all of this. Even if it means repeating myself a thousand times. “Of course! Eight on the dot. You and I will have dinner on Wednesday, too.” I help her into her daisy-printed jacket and zip the front up. She can do it herself, but I feel a desperate need to make her feel taken care of.
“Okay, bye Mommy. I love you.” Her chin trembles and it takes everything in me not to demand she stay with me. Not to throw my hands up and give in, welcoming Jared back. I roll my head to the side, popping the tension from my neck. I want to be an example for my daughter. I want to show her that it’s okay to have standards for how you want to be treated. And that it’s okay to walk away if they aren’t met.
I smile and say, “I love you too, baby girl. I’ll talk to you tonight.”
She heads to Jared’s truck where he’s waiting to help her into her booster seat. I follow her out so I can say hello and goodbye to Jared. We’ve been doing a really good job of being civil and even friendly the last week. I don’t want to be the one to ruin it. “Hey, Jared.” I lean against the bed of the truck and shove my hands in the pockets of my sweats.
“Hey, Sunshine,” he says with a boyish grin, the likes of which made me swoon as a teen. I roll my eyes at the old nickname. He knows I hate nicknames between couples. Anything more than “babe” or “honey” makes me wrinkle my nose. Ask me how I feel when I read my romance books.
“Jare-bear,” I retort in a syrupy-sweet voice. His laugh booms from him in a way I haven’t heard in a long time. I laugh too. There’s an ease between us now that hasn’t been there in years. When there’s no pretense of a relationship, we get on well. I feel the anxiety that had been winding tighter in my stomach loosen.Thisis what I want for Emma. Amicable, friendly parents. We can do this.Ican do this.
“I’ll talk to you tonight, Sunshine,” he says in farewell, shooting me a wink before touching my shoulder. He rounds the hood to the driver's side and I take a few steps back.
“Talk then,” I say with a wave as I head back up the driveway to my little home. It’s in a nice neighborhood on the outskirts of town. Definitely one of the smaller homes, but it works well for Emma and me. It also worked well for my mom and me, when it was just the two of us.
My heart aches a little at the thought of my mom and the way I’m inadvertently following in her footsteps. I was so dead set against separation for years because I was scared the act of it would turn Jared and I into my parents.
