Page 42 of Only Yours
Diaz is already in a rehab facility, working hard to walk again. I’ve taken short walks on my leg the few times I’ve participated in physical therapy, but it’s fucking painful. When I look down at the marred limb, I just want to scream. I’ll never be the person I was before. I’ll never be active duty again. The loss of my military career hits a little harder than I thought it would. I thought I was ready to leave, but I never expected to be pushed out. I can always spend my days marking up paperwork for the service, but the idea doesn’t appeal to me. Most days, the idea of getting out of this bed doesn’t appeal to me.
After my third nap of the day on a Wednesday (I couldn’t tell you what Wednesday), I open my eyes to find the last two people on Earth I would ever expect sitting on both sides of my bed.
“He finally deigns to wake up,” Nani’s dry voice echoes in the cold sterile room.
“Well, he hasn’t napped nearly enough, Ama. Reina said it’s only his third nap of the day.” Dr. Bhagat’s voice is full of frustration and temper.
I groan and cover my face with my good hand. Then I slowly peek out. “Um, nice to see you both. Are y’all just here to bust my balls?” My snark comes through full force. I can’t seem to stop myself even though I’m mentally slapping myself.
Nani hits my good arm with a rolled-up newspaper. “Is that any way to talk to your elders?”
I hold up my hand in defense. “No ma’am, I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said that. It’s nice to see you,” I turn towards Reina’s mother, “and you too, Dr. Bhagat.”
“I wish we could say the same, but you look like hell, Mr. Richards,” she says grimly.
“Um, thanks?” I reply, unsure of what my next move should be here. These women have thrown me for a loop.
“I’ve read your chart. You should be up and moving by now. Roaming these hallways and going home soon. Instead, you’re lying in that bed like a lump of clay.” Dr.Bhagat shakes her head. “It’s such a waste.”
“Um, isn’t there such a thing as privacy laws or something? How did you get my chart?” I ask, more curious, than angry. Reina’s mom still looks like a queen, as regal as ever. She raises an eyebrow haughtily and I gulp. “Nope, never mind.”
I feel the hard tap of a newspaper again. “Ow, what was that for?” I glance over at Nani and give her an incredulous look.
Nani shoots me back a satisfied smile. “That was just because I wanted to, and for questioning my daughter. She’s a topsurgeon. If she wants to look at your chart, you should be happy she took the time.”
“Yes, of course.” Why am I suddenly sweating?Fuck.I think I would rather face a dozen drill sergeants than these women. They’re intimidating as hell. Nani is short and plump, but there’s something about her that screams authority.
“We’re here because you’ve been hurting my daughter, and we think it’s time you think of someone besides yourself, Mr. Richards.” Dr.Bhagat glares at me with fire in her eyes and I scramble to sit up.
“I haven’t been hurting, Reina. I love her…” I trail off as Nani hits me with the newspaper again.
“Not physically, you idiot. Emotionally.” Nani mutters something under her breath that sounds suspiciously like, “stupid, fucking man,” and I slink back down against the bed.
“Oh,” I say numbly.
“Yes, you stupid man. She cries all the time now on our phone calls. And she still loves you, even though you’re being a big-time idiot and feeling sorry for yourself. She’s waited all this time for you, and now she gets some stinky, I feel so sorry for myself version of you. You are not the man from her letters.” Nani’s accent thickens with her anger. “You are not the man I thought you were. A man of integrity and pride. A man who will fight for what he wants.”
“I’m trying, okay!” I burst out. “Everyone is in and out of here wanting me to magically be better and do things that fuckin’ hurt, okay? And I don’t even deserve to be here. I deserve to be six-feet-under. I’m not brave. I’m not worth it. And I’ve tried telling Reina that. I’ve tried telling her not to love me.”
I see a flash of sympathy in Dr.Bhagat’s eyes, but she quickly smothers it. “My daughter is stubborn, and she doesn’t give up as easily as you do. She will hold on forever if need be. I’m hoping you’ll get your head screwed on straight before then,though.” She studies me for a moment longer. “Can I tell you a story, Brian?”
I sigh. Great, now it’s story time. I can feel Nani getting the newspaper ready. I hold my hand up defensively. I swallow. “Sure, tell me a story.”
“When I was a young woman, I found myself pregnant in a country I had been in for only a few years, with a husband who was charming and handsome. He swept me off my feet so fast that I don’t think I ever had time for them to hit the ground. We were off and running from the moment we met. When I found out I was pregnant, I was so excited. So excited to welcome my Reina into the world. That man wasn’t.” I hear Nani give a snort of derision, but I keep watching Dr. Bhagat.
“My husband would swoop in and be this cheerful, happy-go-lucky guy every few months and then disappear again. Sometimes, because of his duty to his country…” she looks down and twists her hands together, “and sometimes because of other things. Other women. During the times he was home, he was wonderful to Reina. He was fun, and magnetic. He drew people in. But when she would cry, or she would get hurt, he would disappear. He couldn’t be found. I was there. I was the one to wipe her tears.” She swallows. “And then one day I got a phone call that he wouldn’t be back again. He was gone, and to make it worse, he died with one of the women he was having an affair with.” One tear streaks down her face, and I watch as she wipes it away angrily, as if it’s a sign of weakness.
“I wanted to give up after that. I was alone with a young child, and I didn’t want to keep going. I didn’t think it was worth it. If I couldn’t keep my husband happy, how could I be a mother to this incredible human being? How could I help her grow up into a young woman? Why did I deserve to be there? After all, her father was the one she loved the most. He was the fun one. I was…”
“You were a mother is what you were,” Nani interrupts, “and that means not being loved all the time. That means making the hard decisions, even if your children don’t appreciate them.”
“I felt like I should have been the one to die.” She takes a deep breath. “I didn’t feel worthy of living.” She glances over at her mother. “But a wonderful woman reminded me that I had a child to take care of, and people that loved me. She made sure I was surrounded by love. It took me a while to come out of that depression. I had to go through counseling, and I had to learn to love myself for me. It was a hard fight, but it was worth it.”
I swallow over a sudden lump in my throat. “But what if I’m not worth it? What if it should have been me?” I whisper.
I feel a hand on my arm and flinch. I glance up into Nani’s kind, wrinkled face. There’s no newspaper in her hand this time. “You are worth it. My granddaughter thinks you’re worth it, and she wouldn’t be wrong about something like this. She’s a smart girl.”
I smile. “She is, and she’s beautiful. And I…” I pause and grab onto Nani’s hand. “And I really do love her. I’m just scared, so fu..freakin’ scared.”
