Page 5 of Risky Taste
I don’t feel like talking to anyone right now, not while I’m feeling like a fucking failure of a doctor. It also doesn’t help that people are always looking for me. Previous superiors trying to get me for another deployment after a successful one right after I graduated. Veterans who have heard I’m Kurt’s baby brother. Or just people who need a softer hand than some of the other doctors in the clinic. Apparently, my bedside manner is a little more desired.
I sigh and push out of my own little cave, taking several deep breaths to gather my bearings. I’ll let myself fully break down tonight after I visit Ronny’s mother, hoping that she’ll still see me after all this. I’m a few steps down the hall when Kurt’s boisterous laughter hits my ears. Fucking hell, I lost track of time and am not in the right headspace to deal with his chaos.
Unfortunately, I’m not fast enough, trying to retreat and failing as Kurt turns around. His eyes widen, his grin spreading across his face as he yells down the hall. “Baby bro!” There’s a bunch of laughter as he all but launches himself toward me, picking me up, and twirling me around before setting me back down.
I force myself to take a breath, my nostrils flaring as I fight the tears. “Hey,” I managed without sounding broken.
He rustles my hair like he used to do when we were kids, his knuckles scraping across my head. “Although, I shouldn’t callyou that anymore, should I? We’re basically the same size. God, it’s so good to see you. A nice changeup from their ugly mugs.”
I should have known that Kurt wouldn’t notice I’m in pain. He never does, really. Kurt is loud about what he wants and needs. I keep most of that shit to myself, so even here, right now, after losing Ronny, I keep a neutral expression so that I can escape faster.
“Move out of the way, dipshit. It’s my turn.”
My vision fills with Sebastian’s wide shoulders, the reason why everyone just calls him Beast. His deep green eyes glitter as he sees me, giving me a tight, warm hug that I want to disappear into. My heart hammers in my chest anyway, the hug lasting longer than is appropriate until Kurt playfully pulls him off of me.
“Come on. Let’s go see the rest of the guys.” Kurt turns back to me, patting my shoulder. “Good to see you, Noah. We’ll be making dinner, alright? See you then.”
I nod, choking on a sob as Kurt and the others disappear outside, laughing and joking. Declan and Logan weren’t in that group but they can’t be far off. I manage to make it a few more steps before feeling Sebastian’s presence behind me.
“Noah, babe.” His voice is a low purr as he reaches out to rest his hands on my arms before walking forward so that his chest is against my back. I want to soak up this warmth, this feeling of safety, but I’ll break and that’s just not an option. “What is going on? I know you’re not okay. You weren’t on the phone and you definitely aren’t now.”
This time the sob escapes me as I pull from Sebastian, shaking my head. “Don’t. I just… it hurts. Fuck. I need a moment.”
I race down the hall and into my office, closing the door behind me so that I can lean against it, my breaths coming in heavy pants. The tears start again even as I bite my tongue to keep the sobs at bay. It hurts so fucking bad and the only peoplewho can save me in this moment are Ginny and Sarah. Women who will understand this pain, this loss, the hole in my heart.
I’m not sure how I’ll ever be able to make it up to them, for not being able to keep Ronny here just a little bit longer.
Some part of me thinks that my demons should have stolen me too.
Chapter three
NOAH
I can’t seem to focus on anything other than the spot on the wall in my bedroom, the one Ronny made after he decided that it would be a good idea to play darts with pencils. There’s a little smiley face where he practiced, his lethal aim leaving a piece of himself in my room. I just can’t wrap my head around the fact that he’s gone.
Even visiting his house and falling into his mother’s arms, both of us holding each other like the other was going to disappear didn’t make it any easier. The tears came freely as I clung to her and Sarah. I kept thinking that I’d hear the creak of the first step and Ronny’s high-pitched laughter before he yelled my name and Ginny told him to use his inside voice.
He’d hop down half the steps and rush over to me with that goofy grin he always wore, hiding the pain beneath. This time, though, when I glanced at the stairs, there was no creak, no noise—just silence. And it hurt so goddamn bad.
I didn’t stay long, not wanting to add to their grief, my guilt eating me alive. It didn’t matter how many times Ginny and Sarah told me that it wasn’t my fault, that I was a gift to him, and that they saw him shine in a way he hadn’t since he had been back from his last deployment.
Their kind words just made me feel worse, like I couldn’t accept it when we still lost him. And watching them hold each other as I said my goodbyes made me wish I had the same support system. Sebastian wouldn’t blink twice if I fell into his arms and the longer I thought about it, the more selfish I became. One more night wouldn’t hurt, right?
And now, I’m perched at the edge of my bed, staring at the stupid smiley face on my wall after a fresh shower that did nothing to clear my head. My gaze drifts to the small desk I’ve had since middle school, a present from my late mother after I told her I wanted to be a doctor.
“Well, a doctor needs a desk, doesn’t he?”
It’s well worn now, scuffs along the magnificent wood and it needs a good shine, but it’s the locked drawer at the bottom right that gives me pause. It’s the one I haven’t opened since I started this new path, a drawer I know carries the poison I’m fighting to stay away from. Poison that I sometimes think can drown out all the chaos and bring me closer to peace.
I rid my entire life of my demons but still kept one fail safe. For what reason, I have no idea. I don’t even know where the key is, a temptation just out of reach that I could rig if I was ever so desperate. It’s a horrid thing to do to myself, especially when I keep a glass just on my desk as if the memory of nights I wasted away with that amber liquid is too much to let go.
Slowly, I walk over to my desk and slide into the chair, wrapping my fingers around the glass and twirling it like I used to. The amber liquid would shine under my dim bedroom lights, a torrential wave that threatened more harm than good.
Laughter rings from the kitchen, Kurt and his buddies taking over the house. They were here when I got back, cars piled in the driveway as I slipped through the side door and escaped up the stairs. Hours ago, I would have at least said hi, but I’m not in the mood and there’s no telling who is currently in the kitchen.
Kurt has probably figured out that Heath and I are no longer a thing, if he’s noticed anything at all, my ex’s sleek muscle car not parked by our house like it used to basically live. He was always here, hanging around until I moved into his place and now that I’m back, it must raise some suspicions.
My nose scrunches up in disgust at the memories still burned in my brain, Heath refusing to let go of me. I still hate that he’s made it so goddamn hard to part ways. There’s no good reason for him to keep holding on. There’s no property or kids involved in this divorce. We still have our separate monies and I wantnothingfrom him… and yet, he still wants me.
