Page 12 of King of Iron Hearts
When the day came that we went to sleep holding hands
Knowing
That we would not wake up again.
You never said goodbye
And now I can’t help feeling
That this isn’t a goodbye for good.
That one day when I am sitting in the kitchen
You will come in carrying apples and tell me to
Bake you a pie like I did that very first day we were in love
I’ll have flour in my hair and juice on my cheek
That you’ll lick off with laughing lips
And everything will have been
As it was before
When you were still here.
He was no Prince Charming
On a white steed galloping with the wind
In his golden hair
Oh, he had a ride under his thighs
Made of iron and chrome
And a kingdom at his command
Made of rebels and ruffians
But he was no story book hero
He was my real-life knight in leather on his beast of metal
And he was coming for me
He was too young, too wild and reckless, filled to the brim with sex and vigor.
His eyes promised to burn me alive, incinerate my inhibitions, char my morals into ash and my soul into tinder.
He held the torch, the threat against everything I had ever stood for, and he had the audacity to tell me to come closer.
Yet, I found myself obeying.
Willingly, I lay myself on the pyre at his feet with open arms.
Because if I was going to burn, I was going to make sure we did it together.
I was a storm of calamity
Cast adrift on a sea of black doings
And loosely drawn rebel rules
He was an old growth oak
With roots sunk deep in the earth
Limbs stretching wide across the sky
Standing sentry across centuries
As the world toiled away beneath its leaves
I could whip around that kind of man
Cause hurricanes with my spirit
Quake the earth with my tempers
But he would remain forever unmoved
Standing tall and strong and free
I think that’s why I liked him.
I didn’t know how much was enough
Until I met you
And never again thought to ask for more
Each time you touch me, I fall to pieces. Fragments of my soul scattered all over the floor. But I know you will kneel amongst the carnage and piece me back together fraction by fraction like a tactile mathematician until I am whole once more but changed for the better by the texture of your hands on my soul.
You were everything I aspired to be
Tall and strong like an oak
Flourishing with burnished leaves
The colour of your eyes
I grew around you like a vine
Seeking your heat and light
Because without you I would wither
Even if I would not die
And after a few years of carrying
My weight
You encouraged me to more
And when I grew my own roots
We stood together in the earth
Together ‘til we died
The nature of true friendship.
I don’t need romance
In candy hearts and roses
I need romance
In my back against a tree
Skirt rucked up by a strong hand
The other spreading my knees
I need the love of your body
Not in cheek kisses and holding hands
I need your body
To meet my sinful flesh’s greedy demands
Like a cat
I’ll purr
If you pet me
Just right
But like a cat
If you cross me
I’ll gauge your eyes out
With my claws
He read things I didn’t know
I had written under the surface
With his hands skimming my edges
And cupping my folds
Reading the words I was never able to say
Like a blind man with braille etched into my skin
You are all four horsemen of my apocalypse.
I could taste my destruction on your lips
But it was sweeter than wild flower honey
And so, I drank it down.
When the end came, all I smelled was flowers.
He was my apple, my serpent, and my Satan.
My ultimate fall from grace.
What if Eve desired to leave Eden all along?
Then you were gone
And there were a million different ways
I hadn’t loved you yet
A thousand other ways I could have told you
Those words
Hundreds of moments I could have spent
With you instead
And then in only one moment
You were gone
And there would be no more time left with you
Because where you went
I couldn’t follow
I feel the loss of you heavy like a mantle over my shoulders
Dragging across the ground with every leaden step
I wear the crown of mourning without poise
A graceless Queen.
If I answer your questions
Your
“how are yous”
And
“what’s ups”
If I open my mouth to respond
I’ll cry
And that is not what you asked for
If it is
If you are truly worried about the tragedy
Folded into the creases beside my eyes like prayers
In Israel’s Western Wall
And the pallor of pain blasted onto my cheeks
Like La Melancholia
All you have to do
Is ask
The right
Questions
And prepare to hold me while
I break
I survived
I am no longer nice
Sweet, pink, and new
But
I am not cruel
And that is all you should ask for.
He was ink stained hands
And grease smeared jeans
That fit just right
He was apple orchards in the fall
And motorcycle rides
With the sea wind in his hair
He was uncharted wilderness
King of a realm without rules
And I was the one he wanted there
