Page 107 of My Fault
“This is what you get for acting like an idiot,” I said. I wanted to get in, too. I could use it…
Once she was more or less clearheaded, I wrapped her in a towel and accompanied her to the bedroom. I could tell she was embarrassed about her behavior. Or, at least, I hoped she was.
“You a little better?” I asked when she leaned back against the pillows and looked up at me.
“Why are you doing this? Why are you making it so hard for me to hate you?”
“Why do you want to hate me?”
“Because if I let someone hurt me again, I don’t think I’ll be able to get over it,” she said.
“I won’t hurt you,” I told her, and knew I was promising myself that as well.
Before turning over and falling asleep, she made a remark that cut me like a knife:
“You already have.”
37
Noah
No more letters came, but that last one was seared indelibly in my mind. The wordPapahad caused those childhood memories I’d tried to hide from to reemerge. He’d been out of my life for six years; I hadn’t even heard his name. As the days, weeks, months, and years had passed, my mind had grown a kind of shell that had protected me from the pain of remembering feelings or situations from that stage of my life. And I didn’t want to go back there. There were a before and an after. For my mother, too. But now everything was back.
Just remembering what had happened in those days frightened me so deeply that I couldn’t ignore it, and that was why I stayed out partying, drinking, doing anything I could to escape. I couldn’t deal with it just then. I wasn’t strong enough, not yet. I was still a girl; not enough time had passed. I needed to keep that darkness buried in my mind, and if that meant acting like an idiot, so be it. I knew what I was doing, and the numbing effects of alcohol were the only things that could still my heart and mind.
Anyway, my new friends didn’t see anything strange about getting drunk almost every day, so I could do what I wanted without much effort. The only obstacle was Nick.
Since we’d come back from that stupid trip, he’d been acting like a real older brother. He chewed me out if I drank too much, he took care of me when I was drunk, he even put me in the shower to help me sober up. It was ridiculous and also confusing. I didn’t want him to worry about me. I needed to face things on my own and in my way. When we were finally free of my father, I’d seen my mom get drunk that way. If it had helped her, why should I abstain?
All this was in my head that day as I went to school. I barely paid attention to my teachers. I hadn’t even eaten since the night before. My stomach refused all nourishment, my mind was dead, and all this was the only way to keep my demons at bay.
Jenna took me home that day. My mother was gone with William again and wouldn’t be home for a couple of days. I didn’t know where they had gone, and I didn’t care. A couple of times, I remembered my father’s threats, and I got so scared I could hardly breathe. But he was far away, in jail, and couldn’t get his hands on us. Still, though…how was Ronnie getting the letters?
I dropped my bag on the sofa and went to the kitchen. Nicholas was there with Lion. They looked up as soon as I entered.
“Hey, Noah,” Lion said with a tense smile. Nick watched me but didn’t move.
“Hey, your girlfriend just left,” I said, walking over to the refrigerator and taking out a handful of grapes. On the table were the crusts of what I supposed were grilled cheese sandwiches. Thor hurried over, wagging his tail.
“Beat it, Thor,” Nick said.
“Don’t be a jerk, Nicholas. He’s not bothering me,” I responded. Glowering, he grabbed the dog by his collar and dragged him away.
“He’s bothering me.”
Lion laughed.
“You could cut the tension in here with a knife,” he said, standing up. I put a grape in my mouth. “I should warn you, Noah, today is initiation day… Watch out.”
“What’s that?” I asked distractedly.
Nick seemed irritated at his remark, but Lion went on: “Today’s the Friday of the first week of class. It’s when they welcome in the newbies. And you’re one of them. Jenna would kill me for telling you, but I feel bad for you.”
“She’s not going to that bullshit, so there’s nothing to worry about,” Nicholas said.
“I don’t really follow, but if there’s a party tonight, then, yeah, Nick, I am going,” I said.
He shook his head. “Your mother told me you can’t go out tonight. She says she doesn’t want you away when she’s not here. So I’m just following orders.”
