Page 112 of My Fault
When I heard those words, I knew Papa was going to hurt me. I wanted to tell him it was me, not Mom, but Noah, but he was so drunk he didn’t even care or didn’t notice. Everything was dark; I couldn’t even see the least glimmer of light.
“You want to play hide-and-seek?” he shouted, and I pulled the sheets tightly around me. “Since when have you been hiding from me, you little slut?”
The first blow came right afterward, then the second, then the third. I didn’t know how, but I ended up on the ground, screaming and crying as he hit me. Papa wasn’t used to that, and it made him even madder. Where was Mom? Was this what she felt every time he got angry with her?
He hit me in the stomach, and I couldn’t breathe…
“You’re going to learn what you get if you don’t treat the man of the house the way he deserves,” he said as he took off his belt. He’d often threatened to hit me with it, but he’d never actually done it. Now he did, and it hurt. I stood up, trying to get away, and he struck the window in my room. The shattered glass fell all over; I could feel the shards cutting my knees and the palms of my hands as I tried to crawl away…
He just kept getting madder. He didn’t seem to even recognizeme. It was like he had no idea that the person he was beating was an eleven-year-old girl…
“He didn’t kill me, but he came close. I slipped past him and jumped out the window. The scar on my stomach is where I cut myself on the windowpane.” I teared up again, but this time, I kept talking through it. “The neighbors heard me screaming, and the cops showed up right afterward. For two months, I was a ward of the state, living in a group home, because after what happened, they didn’t think my mother was fit to look after me. The funny thing is I got hit more in those two months than I ever did living with my dad. Finally they let me go back to Mom’s and they put Papa in jail. The last time I saw him was when I had to testify against him. There was so much hate in his eyes… I never saw him again.”
I stopped talking, waiting for an answer…that didn’t come.
“Say something,” I said.
He looked down, as if trying to hide something.
“So that’s why you’re afraid of the dark.”
“The darkness brings back those memories, and I panic… If you hadn’t shown up when you did, it would have probably gotten a lot worse… I had a bad panic attack like that when I was in the group home. It was horrible.” I tried to smile, but his face remained tense as he reached out and touched me.
I exhaled all the air I’d been holding in. I still remembered when I had been about to tell Dan about all that. But he’d frozen, and I’d made it no further than when my father was beating my mom.
“I sent my own father to prison. That must make you rethink your feelings about me, no?”
“Noah,” he said, shocked, “you did the right thing. All I want is to be there for you and protect you with my life if I haveto. That’s what I’m feeling right now, and I swear to you, those fuckers who stuck you in the closet, I’ll kill them with my bare hands.”
“Nicholas, I’m damaged goods.”
“Don’t ever say that again,” he ordered me, angry that I’d even said it.
I felt a cascade over my cheeks and lips as I started crying again.
“Nick… I might not be able to have kids.” That was my biggest secret, the one that hurt the most. The worst consequence of that night. “Because of how hard he hit me… The doctors said they don’t think I’ll be able to get pregnant…ever.”
He pulled me into him.
“You’re the bravest, most amazing woman I’ve ever met,” he said, kissing me on top of the head. “You’ll be able to have kids. I know you will…and if not, you can adopt one. There’s no one who would make a better mother than you…hear me?” He got on top of me and stared me straight in the eyes.
“I love you, Noah,” he said then, and I froze. “I love you more than my own life, and when the time comes, I’m going to give you the most precious children the world has ever seen because you’re beautiful and I know you’ll make it through all this shit…and I’ll be right beside you to make sure of it.”
“You don’t know what you’re saying,” I responded, at once frightened and relieved.
“I know exactly what I’m saying. I’m saying I want to be with you, I want to kiss you whenever I feel like it, I want to protect you from anyone who tries to hurt you, and I want you to need me in your life…”
I couldn’t believe what I was hearing.
“I love you, Nick,” I declared. I’d had no idea I would say it. But it was the truth, the absolute truth. “I’ve tried to ignore myfeelings for you, to hide from them…but I love you… I love you like crazy, and I want all the things you just said, I want you to be with me, and I want you to love me because I need you, I need you more than the air I breathe…”
“I need to kiss you,” he said.
“Then do it,” I replied.
“You don’t understand. I need to kiss you all over…touch you, feel your skin… I want you to be mine, Noah…in every sense of the word. I’ve never felt that for anyone…and it scares me… It scares me because I feel like I’m going crazy.”
I pulled him into me. He was lost, I could see it in his eyes. Nicholas had never in his life been with a woman for more than a few hours. He didn’t know what commitment was, but since he’d confessed his love to me, he seemed like a totally different person. I loved him, too; I could feel it in my heart, in the way my body reacted when he touched me, when he was near. I was in love, and I was scared, just like him, and this had nothing to do with what it felt like when I was with Dan. This was so much more, so much better, so intense.
