Page 96 of My Fault
When we got there, Noah got out and walked into the emergency room on her own. She filled out the papers and waited for them to call her.
“I don’t want you going in with me. Wait here.”
“Come on, Noah.”
“I’m serious.”
I was angry at having to stay in the waiting room. I knew I’d screwed up with Noah, but it was killing me to think she was hurt and I couldn’t be there to make her feel better. Ronnie wouldn’t stop until he got what he wanted, and I was afraid things were only going to get worse.
I thought about calling Steve, my dad’s security chief, and explaining the situation, but that would require me revealing too much. My father would learn what was going on and would want to call the police. If Ronnie heard the law was after him, he’d be three times as dangerous as he was now. Gang beefs had to be solved in the streets, but I couldn’t do that if it meant losing Noah in the process. It had taken everything I’d had not to split his face open then and there, but I knew if I did, Noah would never forgive me.
To get her back, I’d need to rethink my relationship with violence. Noah had finally opened up to me, and we’d gotten closer. I had told her about my sister. I’d come to understand whatit meant to love someone. I knew it, I knew I loved her now, I needed her to breathe… How could I have been so stupid?
Noah was the last person I wanted to see cry, the last person I wanted to hurt. I didn’t know when things had changed so much or when I’d passed from hating her to feeling what I felt now, but all I knew was I didn’t want to lose her.
She emerged from the exam room and walked toward me. I stood up, anxious.
“It’s a minor concussion,” she said.
Dammit. I knew it.
“It’s not a big deal. They told me to come back if I feel light-headed or pass out, but as long as I get some rest, I’ll be okay. I got a note to stay home from work and some pain pills for the headache.”
I was so relieved, I reached out to touch her, but she jerked away before I could.
“Can you take me back to work? I want to get my car.”
I was pissed, but I decided it was best to keep my mouth shut. I took her to the bar and followed her home to be sure she’d made it okay. I realized she wasn’t going to let me close to her, especially not after this, so I went to Anna’s.
Anna had reached out to me several times since my trip, and I knew I had to be honest with her: I’d let my hatred for my mother get the better of me, and I’d treated all women the same even when there were some who were incredible—in my case, one in particular I had to make mine no matter what.
When I stopped in front of Anna’s house, she came out and walked over, looking unsettled.
She bent over to kiss me on the lips, but I pulled away automatically. My lips would only kiss one person from now on, and that person wasn’t Anna.
“What’s up, Nick?” she asked, wounded by my rejection. Ididn’t want to hurt Anna; we’d known each other a long time. I wasn’t as big a jerk as I acted like.
“We can’t keep seeing each other, Anna,” I said. The color drained from her cheeks, and her face looked shattered.
After a pause, she replied, “It’s her, isn’t it?” Her eyes started watering. Was this what I wanted—to make all the women around me cry?
“I’m in love with her.” Confessing it aloud wasn’t as hard as I’d thought. It was freeing, gratifying, the truth.
She swiftly wiped away her tears and said, “You’re incapable of love, Nicholas.” She was angry now. “I’ve spent years waiting for you to fall in love with me, doing everything I can to try to get you to open up just a little bit and make space for me, and all you’ve done is blow me off, use me…and now you’re telling me you’re in love with that high schooler?”
This wasn’t going to be easy.
“I never wanted to hurt you, Anna,” I said, but she shook her head.
“You know what?” she replied furiously. “I hope you never get what you want. You don’t deserve to be loved, Nicholas. If Noah’s smart, she’ll stay away from you. You think you can live a life like yours, with a past like yours, and get a girl like that to fall in love with you?”
I balled up my fists. I wasn’t in the mood for this shit, but part of me knew Anna was absolutely right. Trying to control myself, I told Anna goodbye. I could see the fury in her eyes as I started my car back up and pulled off.
I knew I’d have to work to get Noah to forgive me, but I had no idea how. When I got home that night, all I wanted was to see her, but she wasn’t in her room. I ended up finding her in the living roomasleep, with her head in her mother’s lap. Raffaella was watching a movie and stroking Noah’s long hair. She looked relaxed, and I felt a tightness in my chest when I saw her that I hadn’t felt for ten years because of the fight, because I’d kissed that girl and she’d seen me, because I’d hurt her…and it also made me sad to see that relationship between her and her mother. It awakened memories I’d kept locked up in the back of my mind. My mother used to do the same thing. When I was just eight, she used to calm me down after I’d had a nightmare—her hand on my hair had been the perfect remedy to make me feel safe and relaxed. I still remembered all those nights when I’d fallen asleep crying, scared, waiting for her to come back, open the door to my room, calm me down the way she used to. I felt a pain deep in my chest, a pain that only ever went away when I was with Noah. I loved her. I needed her next to me to be a better person, to forget those bad memories. I needed her so I could feel loved.
Raffaella looked over and smiled.
“It’s just like when she was a little girl,” she whispered.
