Page 64 of Tell Me Softly
“I’m fine.” I got up and grabbed a bottle of water from the fridge.
“You’re mad, aren’t you?” she asked, sitting down on the bed.
I didn’t have time to answer before there was knock at the door. When I went to open it, I found all the girls ready to pile in, with Kate standing at the front of all of them.
“Hey! How are you?” she asked. She looked serious, but I could tell she wasn’t worried at all. She knew it had been her fault, but she couldn’t bring herself to admit it. I understood she wasn’t alone—the rest of the girls had gotten drunk too—but she was their captain. She needed to exert authority over them. Whether she liked it or not, she needed to earn their respect, and she wasn’t capable of it. Even I had lost the little respect I had for her when I saw that her stupidity had put my life in danger.
“I’m fine,” I said, letting her through. There were now ten of us packed into that tiny room.
“Where’s Nadia?” I asked.
“She’s coming back from the emergency room in an Uber. I sent a couple of girls with her. They had to put her in one of those air cast things. She’ll be able to cheerlead again, but not for a month,” Kate said. I imagined Nadia must be just as angry as I was. An uncomfortable silence spread through the room, until Kate finally broke it.
“Look, it’s not the end of the world, OK? So we lost once. Who cares? It’s one competition! We always win; we’ll win again. We could probably use a bit of humility for once, to help us understand what it’s like not to be on top.” She spoke her words to everyone, but I knew she was talking to me, and I wasn’t about to let it slide.
“Kate, are you insinuating something?” I asked, trying to control my rage.
“I’m just saying this is like a learning experience. We’ve lost, which means we get to see things from the other side…”
“Oh, please!” I couldn’t restrain myself anymore. “Cut the shit, Kate. We lost because you needed to set an example, and you couldn’t. You didn’t have the discipline, and you didn’t want it bad enough.”
“What about you, then?” she screamed. “I suppose you’re just perfect!”
“Kate, no one said that,” Ellie interrupted her, trying to calm the waters.
“Fuck off! Don’t take her side,” Kate said loudly, turning to her. “Everything was fine yesterday when you were chugging beer after beer. What was it you said then? Let me try and remember. Oh, yeah:Thank God Kami’s not here; she would have ruined the party. Now that she’s not captain, the team can finally have a little fun.That was it, right?”
I glanced at Ellie, feeling totally betrayed.
“I didn’t say that,” she objected, but I could see the guilt in her eyes. “I was drunk, OK? Kami, I don’t…”
“Just drop it,” I said. “I’ll tell you all another thing too. I could never have given less of a fuck about being a cheerleader. I only did it because I liked being with you guys—being part of a team, competing, winning, celebrating together like we always did. I decided not to be captain this year because I didn’t want everyone to think of me as a dictator, even if you were the ones trying to push me into it all the time. I took a step back. I wanted to hand it off to Kate because I knew she’d been dreaming about it forever. Some of y’all were mad at me; some of you were upset. I didn’t know if it was more because I was leaving or because you didn’t like Kate. But it doesn’t matter anymore because I quit.”
I felt a relief I hadn’t felt in a long time. I realized I had too much to deal with to have to be worrying about this.
“No, Kami. You can’t quit,” Ellie said, looking terrified.
Marissa added, “The team won’t be the same. Don’t fight with each other. We can fix this, can’t we, Kate?”
I turned to look at Kate and saw her enraged, arms crossed in front of her chest.
“If she wants to go, that’s her business. I’m not stopping her. And honestly, she got something right. She is a dictator. I hadn’t realized it until she said it, and I’m sorry to put it so harshly, but…you can’t have two alphas leading one pack.”
I held her stare. I felt like this was about something more than just the squad, but it didn’t matter. I threw up my hands. “No worries, then. I don’t mind being a lone wolf.”
I walked through them out onto the balcony and shut the door, taking in a deep breath of fresh air. Behind me, I could hear whispers. I knew they were criticizing me. And I wasn’t going to just stand there and listen to it.
Tears came to my eyes. I didn’t understand why. I’d never even wanted to be anybody’s leader. I’d become captain because it was what they all wanted, and I’d let them drag me along. I always did that with everyone, and I never asked myself what it was I wanted.
“Hey,” I heard a voice say at the other end of the balcony. I looked up and saw Taylor approach with a worried expression. “I was on my way to your room to see how you were doing, but I guess you’re well enough to come out. What’s up, Kami? Why are you crying?”
I turned and buried my face in his chest. He wrapped his arms around me, and I felt better. Much better. Even if I went on crying the way I would have when I was ten.
“Come on…let’s go to my room,” he said, and I followed him. I didn’t even hesitate for a second.
“So, we just witnessed a coup, right? I’m assuming you pushed Kate out?”
I punched Taylor on the shoulder and chuckled. He laughed so loud I felt all the pressure in my chest dissolve.
