Page 42 of Sweet Temptation
“You sound like an owl,” I tell her and grab my bottle of water, debating on what to say. I haven’t told anyone the thoughts I’ve been having. Not even Brea. “Fine. But you have to promise not to laugh.”
She stops and stares at me. “Oh my God. Is it old Mr. Denston?”
“The ninety-year-old who lives next door and forgets to wear pants when he gets the mail? No, you troll. It’s not him.” I look outside again, not even sure what or who I’m looking for. “I had a moment last week at the beach... with Lucky.”
“Lucky Beneventi?” she clarifies, like we know another Lucky.
“Yes, Lucky Beneventi. My roommate. We’ve been—I don’t know. We’ve been different since I got back from France. And there were a few times last week where I got this feeling.” I try to figure out how to put it into words, but considering I’m not even sure what it is, it’s harder than I realized it would be. “I’m not sure what it was, but it was something.”
“So . . . ? Is that a bad thing?” Dillan pushes.
“Maybe?” I admit. “It’s Lucky. What did you say before? He’s sampled everyone’s cupcakes? I might not want anything serious, but I don’t want to be one of many either,” I admit, even though it stings.
“Why don’t you want something serious? I think serious could be fun with the right person.” She sips her coffee, waiting for my answer, and I make a mental note to push her for some answers of her own later when I’m thinking straighter.
“I just don’t want serious, okay?” I snap back and immediately feel bad.
“Lex, I’d understand if you were out there having a great time with a few different guys, but you’ve been on one date since you’ve been home. What’s going on?” How come family always pushes differently than anyone else?
How do I tell her the truth when I barely want to face it myself?
It took me years of therapy and then a year spent away from everyone to come to grips with it.
I don’t want to fall in love because I don’t want to know that I’ll have someone to leave when I die. If I’m lucky, I might get twenty years. Maybe. I’m not one of the lucky ones the new miracle CF drug has helped.
I’m going to die.
That’s my reality.
It’ll be messy, but I’ve known that my entire life. It isn’t fair, but life isn’t fair. I don’t want to know I’m leaving behind the love of my life to pick up the pieces.
So I don’t. I tell her a version of the truth, an easier one to process.
“I’m scared, Dillan. I come with enough baggage to last a lifetime. One way longer than I’m going to get.” I’m proud of how confidently I manage to get the words out. Words I don’t usually put a voice behind.
“Don’t talk like that, Lexie.” Dillan’s voice shakes as she leans against the counter, moving closer. “You are going to live until you’re old and gray and surrounded by a whole football team full of little blond grandbabies.”
I shake my head slowly. “I’m not. And it’s not fair to expect someone else to accept that when I don’t think my own family has.” The words hurt today as much as they did the first time I wrote them in a journal a decade ago. “I can’t. Not even a man who already knows it.”
She looks up and sniffs, like that will disguise the tears building in her eyes. “You know, we all like to joke about the Beneventis. They make it pretty easy with the whole bad boys who look like Abercrombie models but with bigger muscles thing they’ve got going on. But you know what else they’ve got?”
I shake my head, not sure where she’s going with this.
“Bigger hearts. They might not let just anyone see it, but it’s there, if you look close enough. If you give Lucky a chance, maybe he’ll surprise you. It might be worth trying.”
“Maybe.” I smile at my cousin because that’s what she wants to see. It’s fake and forced, but it’s a smile. What I don’t bother saying is, even if Lucky does surprise me, I wouldn’t surprise him. Any relationship with me comes with an expiration date, and I don’t want to do that to someone I love.
The only way to control that is to not fall in love.
Iwatch the game with the girls that night and scream when they win. Lucky and Linc and all the guys play amazingly. New York didn’t stand a chance. Lucky got two interceptions, and we all lost our minds both times.
It was incredible.
I pull my phone out and shoot off a text to the guys.
Lexie
OMG guys! That game was great. You both played your hearts out. Way to go!
