Page 54 of Resisting You
“More like a log. It doesn't have to be official at all. You can keep it in the notes app on your phone.”
“What if I don’t get the ‘anxiety thing’ a lot?” Jason said, flippantly throwing finger quotes around the phrase.
“You’re right. For you, maybe it would be beneficial to use your log to record when you feel anger.” With Jason, it was less about panic attacks and more about anger management. But in my experience, that was a much harder mountain to tackle than anxiety. “So when you two either start to feel that anxiety spiral or an anger cloud start, just take out your phone and notate what you were doing before it began.”
Lilly’s brows crease. “And that’s going to help?”
I nod. “It might. Right now, I’m just looking for patterns that might be triggering Jason’s anger and your anxiety.”
“Like if it happens every time before she’s supposed to do a TikTok Live video?” Jason says, a slight hint of accusation in his voice.
I shrug, trying to stay neutral. “Maybe. But I’ve seen any number of things be a catalyst. It could even be drinking the night before that triggers anxiety the next day. I had one client who would have more panic attacks when he had to poop.”
“Seriously?” Jason laughed. “He had a panic attack whenever he had to shit?”
“Jason!” Lilly smacked the back of her hand against Jason’s arm, chastising him.
“Not exactly,” I answered, chuckling a little too. “It’s a much longer explanation, but the abridged version is that his body cross wired messages to and from his brain. So physically when he had that need, that message didn’t get to his brain before the physical response did. And then his brain, feeling something physically different in his body, responded with fight or flight in the form of panic attacks. And it wasn’t until he calmed down from that state that he realized what his body actually needed… a trip to the bathroom.”
“And now he’s cured?” Lilly asked. “Of the panic attacks?” She wrung her hands in her lap, clearly nervous but also hopeful that there might be a simple answer to her own anxiety.
I gave her a soft smile. “I wouldn’t say ‘cured’ exactly, but it’s certainly better. He has a lot more tools in his toolbox. And now when he feels the signs of a panic attack, he’s able to go through his own checklist, check in with his body and many times he can stop it from advancing with the practice of mindfulness.”
A glance at my watch tells me we’ve already gone five minutes past our time. “So that’s your homework. No pressure ifyou don’t want to schedule another session. You can always have your manager?—”
“Are you free Thursday?” Lilly blurted out.
I blinked, surprised. Thursday was only in two days. That was hardly enough time for her to gather enough data in her log-keeping.
“Of course,” I said, gently.
“I have an interview that evening on National TV and I’d love to have a session right before. To… to help calm me.”
“Absolutely.” I turned to look at Jason. “Would you like to join for that? Or Lilly, do you want a solo session?”
Lilly turned to Jason with a hopeful smile and even though he sighed, he wrapped an arm around her shoulders and hugged her into his side affectionately. “Sure babe. I can be there too.”
Just then, Noah walked in with Birdie tethered to the end of a leash. Silently, he gave me a wave, recognizing that I was still on my Zoom call. Birdie on other hand had no respect for boundaries or patient-client privilege and even with his hurt leg, he bounded over to me, bouncing and playing and begging to be picked up.
“Okay, you two, I’ve got to sign off here. I’ll talk to you both Thursday.”
Lilly smiled into the camera at me. “Seriously, thank you Rosa. Thank you so much.”
There was an ease in her voice that wasn’t there an hour ago and it acted as a balm for my soul, too. This was why I did what I did. To help give people the peace that I could never find when I was a teenager and in the public eye. “Of course. Enjoy your day together.”
I clicked the computer off and set it aside while taking my airpods out. I smiled down at Birdie, lifting him up into my lap to give him a snuggle. He met my hug with a thousand licks to my chin and I giggled as he squirmed in my arms. “Okay, okay!You’re grateful we saved you, I get it!” I laughed, setting him back down on the floor as I stood up, too.
Shirtless, Noah leaned against the counter, sipping a coffee and staring at me.
“What?” I tilted my head and as I walked slowly toward him, he handed me a second mug of freshly brewed coffee.
“Nothing. You’re just very beautiful when you do your work. I can tell it brings you peace.”
“I really do love it,” I said. “I don’t always love the virtual appointments but with my focus on helping people with social media anxiety, it’s unfortunately just part of it since so many of them will likely be on location in different states.”
“Would you ever want your own office space? Or would you just work out of your home?”
“Both?” I took a sip of the coffee and smiled at how quickly Noah had perfected how I take mine. “I would ideally like a professional space that people can come to me for in-person sessions. It could be out of my home, but with confidentiality laws, that could get sticky too.” My eyes drifted out the window to where the lake glistened with the morning sun. “I always thought I’d have an office in New York City, but there’s something to be said for setting up a practice in a town like this. Maybe even offer my clients a retreat of sorts where they fully unplug during the time they’re here.”
