Page 37 of Don't Bet On It
Olivia, who had been quiet for a few minutes, furrowed her brow. “Why do Zach and I need practice?”
Ruby’s first response was to laugh. Then she straightened when it became apparent that Olivia was serious. “Oh, well…” She looked to me for help.
“Oh, don’t even.” I vehemently shook my head. “I’m not wading into that hornet’s nest.”
“Zach and I are going to be great parents,” Olivia argued. She was deadly serious.
“Of course you are.” Ruby patted her hand in a placating—and maybe a little condescending—manner. “You’re going to be the absolute best parents in the world.”
“Why don’t I believe you’re being sincere?” Olivia huffed.
“Ugh. I knew you were going to turn this into a thing.” Ruby was resigned. “You and Zach are going to be wonderful parents,” she said truthfully. “The thing is, having a baby is a learning experience. I’m the most-together person I know—not to toot my own horn or anything—but I panic at least once a week when it comes to Chloe.”
She lowered her voice to a conspiratorial whisper. “Right after we had her, I obsessed for a week straight about which one of us might almost kill her first.”
I was caught between amusement and horror. “Are you being serious?”
“Yes.” Ruby held out her hand. “She was tiny. I mean, she was a big baby, and her head felt huge when I was pushing her out, but in the grand scheme of things, she was tiny. She couldn’t hold up her head. She was fragile, and you can’t stop your mind from going there.”
“But you and Rex acted as if it wasn’t a big deal,” Olivia protested. I could tell she was getting worked up, although she would never admit it.
“Of course we acted like it was no big deal.” Ruby gave Olivia her best “are you kidding me” look. “We couldn’t let people know we were freaking out. They would’ve taken Chloe from us.”
I very much doubted that was true. Every new parent was likely afraid they might accidentally kill the baby. Still, I was amused at her roundabout thinking. “Don’t you think maybe, just maybe, your paranoia was fueling that fear?” I asked.
“Of course it was. At the time, though, I was all hopped up on hormones.”
“Shouldn’t Rex have been the voice of reason under those circumstances?”
Ruby snorted as if I’d said the funniest thing in the world. “You would think so. Unfortunately, the one thing you can’t call Rex is chill. When I confronted him about how worked up he was, he said he was taking his cues from me.”
“So you panicked together,” I mused.
“We did, and it was ugly.” Ruby glanced over at Olivia. “Zach is more chill than Rex, but you’re less together than me. You guys are going to have the exact same problems.”
Olivia made a protesting sound as her mouth fell open. “That’s not a very nice thing to say.”
“I wasn’t trying to be nice. I was trying to be truthful.”
“But… I have a plan.” Olivia’s forehead creased with concentration. “Labor is going to take exactly three hours—I’m thinking of giving birth in a soothing pool of water—and then the baby is going to sleep through the night after a week.”
Ruby grinned before bursting into laughter. Actually, her guffaw sounded more like a donkey braying than a human.
“It’s not funny,” Olivia said petulantly, her lower lip coming out to play as she crossed her arms over her chest. “I made a list.”
“Oh, you’re adorable.” Ruby patted her shoulder. “You do not want to have the baby in a pool of water, though.”
“People say it doesn’t hurt as much in water.”
“It’s going to hurt regardless, and you can’t get the good drugs at home. You definitely need to do the hospital experience.”
Olivia balked. “I’m thinking of not doing drugs.”
Genuine horror washed over Ruby’s pretty features. “You cannot give birth without drugs.”
“And why not?” Olivia was turning defiant, not a good sign.
“Because if it’s not against the law, it should be. The drugs don’t even take all the pain away. They just take the edge off.” Ruby was not having it. “Natural birth is a crock of shit. Only a man thinks it’s a good idea.”
