Page 59 of Open Secrets
“Why do you think that is? You said it’s never happened before—in all the years he’s been deployed, you managed. Why do you think you’re struggling with the anxiety now?”
I twist the hem of my shirt in my hands. “Well, like I said—the incident he was involved in… it made me see that he’s not invincible. He’s a human. And humans fall.”
Dr. Nina smiles faintly, not unkind. “I feel like there’s something else. How did his accident affect you?”
I frown, confused. “What do you mean?”
Her smile softens further, patient. “Not just how it changed how you see him. How did it change how you see yourself?”
I sit with the question, my brow furrowing. Then, slowly, the words tumble out. “You know when something bad happens, and you think, okay—that’s it. The universe has thrown the problem my way, now I solve it?”
She nods once, encouraging.
“When Lyle went MIA, I realized the universe can throw more than one problem. And if something happened to him, then the kids would only be left with me. And then… what if something happened to me? Then the kids would be orphans. And what if Rain’s cancer came back? And—”
My throat closes. My hands grip tight at my knees. “And I just spiral from there.”
“Okay,” Dr. Nina says softly. “That’s understandable—to worry about what would happen to your children if something happened to you. Do you have any family who could step in?”
I let out a short laugh that doesn’t sound like humour at all. “Well… my mom. She left when I was four. Just packed up and took off.”
Nina’s face doesn’t flinch, but her eyes sharpen.
“My dad raised me after that,” I go on, “until he found out I’d had an abortion. Then he had a stroke and… just moved into a facility. Left me too.” I laugh again, but it comes out jagged this time.
“And Lyle’s parents?” I shake my head. “They cut us off years ago. Which leaves his workaholic sister, who I’ve spent the last five years hating—and who’s already admitted she doesn’t even want kids.”
I spread my hands like I’m presenting evidence. “There you go. That’s my village.”
The words hang in the air, heavy, bitter.
She nods slowly. “I see.”
“Pathetic, right?” I mutter.
“It’s not,” Dr. Nina says firmly. “It’s not uncommon to wonder how your loved ones would survive if something happened to you—especially with young children.” She pauses, folding her hands in her lap. “Now, it may be painful, but grandparents can be good alternatives—”
“No.” The word flies out of me, sharp.
“Maria—”
I shake my head, cutting her off. “No. They are not an option.”
Her gaze holds mine, steady but not unkind. “When was the last time you spoke to them?”
I swipe my hair out of my face, buying myself a second. “Three years ago. Lyle and I had just opened our marriage, and my first attempt… didn’t go so well.”
The memory burns through before I can stop it:
Maria — Three Years Ago – Austin, Texas. 2022
“So,” the guy across from me said, leaning back in his chair, “you wanna go back to my place?”
I laughed at first, thinking he was joking. “Let’s order appetizers first.”
“Why?” He smirked. “We both know how the night’s gonna end.”
I frowned, irritation sparking. “And how’s that?”
