Page 116 of Midnight Blue
I thought about it as I strolled at the farmer’s market, looking, but not touching, all the rows of strawberries, peaches, and jars of homemade jam. It was only two weeks ago that I stopped waking up crying and hating myself for missing him.
Because I did. I missed him every day.
I missed the man who knew, or at the very least had great suspicion that his ex-girlfriend had taken lives that night.
The man who’d covered for his ex-lover’s crimes knowingly.
The man who could have saved my mother, maybe, if he had been more persistent, and stubborn, and less jaded, and drunk, and tired of life. Because I knew he hadn’t done it out of love for Fallon.
When you love, you want to fix.
When you love, you don’t help to destroy.
And wasn’t it what Alex was trying to do right now? Fix things between us?
I knew my brother and sister-in-law were not going to fault me for hearing him out. I even knew Alex did everything he could to take care of me. He sent me checks every month. Checks I tore and threw into the trash. Blake called me once a week. Jenna helped Craig get a maintenance job at her office building. The day Craig, Nat, and Ziggy had moved out, Lucas came in to install a new alarm system at the apartment and helped me paint the walls. Hudson would come every other Friday for sushi and Gossip Girl.
They all meant well.
Even Fallon hadn’t meant any harm, but harm she did, anyway, which was why she was awaiting trial right now. I didn’t know what Will thought about the whole thing, and sometimes, when I thought about him, which wasn’t often, I’d hurt for him, too.
At seven thirty, I threw in the towel and headed back home. I didn’t know what I was going to say to Alex and hadn’t decided if I was going to forgive him or not. And that, in itself, was irresponsible and dangerous for my poor heart.
He waited for me in the hallway, his long legs bent in front of my door for lack of space. He was long, and lithe, and completely gorgeous, the way I remembered him. I stopped and squeezed the railing, my knuckles whitening, trying to gather my thoughts.
He noticed me and rose to his feet, and we stood in front of each other, staring, mostly.
“Feels a lot like midnight,” he said. I didn’t want to smile, but I did, anyway.
“Are you okay?” I whispered.
“Is he really not mine?” His eyes shone.
I shook my head. “No. He’s with his dad now,” I referred to Grayson.
“Okay.” He nodded. “Okay. Have you listened to—”
“I have,” I cut through his words. How could I miss the song about me, when it was the most played song in contemporary radio stations all across America?
Two souls collide on a too dark floor in a graveyard for the stars
Funny, when you walked into my life I thought I’d be the one leaving all the scars
There wasn’t one moment when I knew you’d be mine
There were pieces of jigsaw, when I looked into your eyes
And at midnight, the sky turned blue
The night belonged to us, it was just me and you
And at midnight, you undressed me from my fears
I devoured your tears
Seconds became illuminated like years
And at midnight, I kissed your skin, your eyes, your lips
You shone so dangerously, my own little personal eclipse
And at midnight, I broke your heart
You broke mine too
We fell apart.
Once upon a time, I wanted to be someone’s white knight
One upon a time, I thought I saw the light
Then you burst into my life like cerulean powder falling from above
Teaching me I never knew true love
You took my heart and held it in your teeth
I begged for you to bite it, oh, how I fucking loved your heat
And at midnight, the sky turned blue
You taught me feelings and moves, brand-new
And at midnight, I nipped at your flesh
Your walls crumbled one by one, even though you said you were in it for the cash
And at midnight, I fucked your body, your heart, your soul
Joke’s on me, ’cause now I’m the one who needs to crawl
And at midnight, we broke together
On the floor
So fucked forever.
He even used a line I wrote to him.
A line I later saw somewhere else. On the Internet.
“Is that how you see our relationship?” My throat caught. God, I shouldn’t have wanted to listen to him, but I couldn’t help not to, either.
He nodded. “Not to be a jerk, but I’d rather we have this conversation inside, after you offer me a glass of water, because my mouth is still dry from the notion that baby could’ve been ours and you were raising it with some random bloke. But just to put it out there, I’m going to raise him as my own if you give me a chance.”
