Page 51 of Because of You
“So, having a good morning?” she starts, with a smirk in my direction.
“I’m sorry you caught us like that.”
“Oh honey, I’m not. It’s well past time you and Ben found your way to each other.”
“You knew? How Ben felt about me, I mean.”
Rachel pauses for a second. She seems to be choosing her words carefully.
“I’m a mom, honey. I know all there is to know about my children. And that includes you. You have always been as much mine as Julie and Ben. I love you like you’re my own blood. The question is, do you know how Ben feels about you?”
I hesitate, but this is Rachel, and we’re kneeling in the flower beds in the place where we capital T Talk. Also, if I don’t talk to someone, I might explode.
“He told me last night that he’s had feelings for me since we were eighteen. That he wants to give being together a try.”
“And what do you want?”
I blow out a breath. “I think… I think I want that, too. I’m going to pretend you’re not Ben’s mom for a second and tell you that he showed up at my door last night after the bonfire and kissed me. Ugh, is it weird to tell you that? It’s weird, right?”
“Hallie, I saw what you both were getting up to on the side of the house just now. If you think I don’t know that my adult son sometimes kisses girls in bedrooms and other places, you are sorely mistaken. And I know he has wanted to kiss you for a very long time.” She stops weeding and sits cross-legged on the ground, motioning for me to do the same. “Did it surprise you?”
“It caught me off guard, I guess, but also, it kind of didn’t? It felt like something shifted at the gala. There’s been this weird energy between us since then. But then he kissed me, and it justfelt…right. I have read one million romance novels, and when the best friends kiss, someone usually panics, but I didn’t. I felt everything, but in the good way. It was new and different, but it felt like what we were supposed to be doing. Like maybe I’ve had feelings for him too but just never recognized it. Kissing him made me happy, Rachel, and I haven’t been the happiest version of myself lately.” I mentally slap myself for letting that little nugget loose and, obviously, Rachel misses nothing.
“We’ll get back to you and the less than happy version of yourself in a minute. For now, I’ll say this. When something like this makes you happy, you grab on to it and don’t question it too much. If last night made you want to give you and Ben, the romantic version, a try, then you should.”
“You don’t think it’s too fast?”
“I don’t. I don’t think that your feelings are all that new either. I think maybe you have had the same kinds of feelings for Ben that he has had for you. You just never gave yourself the time and space to consider them.”
I think about this, remembering again how I reacted years ago when I saw Ben kissing Sarah. To all the times that Ben was there for me when it felt like no one else was. How I open up to him in ways I don’t to almost anyone else. How he feels safe to me, like I can be myself around him. And I think about last night. How being with him like that felt like a missing piece of me clicked right into place. How it didn’t feel like a first time at all.
“I think you might be right.”
“Honey, I’m always right. I know you don’t always trust yourself to feel your feelings and let them out, but I don’t mind saying I raised a very good man. You can trust him. He’ll be gentle with your feelings just like I know you’ll be gentle with his. He will give you the time and care you need to figure this out.”
“I know he will.” And I do. Ben always makes sure I have exactly what I need.
“Now, what is this about you not being happy?”
For a split second, I consider telling her the way I told Ben last night at the bonfire. Telling her how I want to change my practice entirely, but don’t know how to do that without fucking up everything that my friends and I have worked for the past six years and potentially losing them in the process. I love Rachel, but she’s also Julie’s mom, and I don’t feel right opening up to her and asking her to keep it a secret.
“It’s nothing, really. Just a big adjustment to leave my job and get the firm ready to open in January.”
She eyes me skeptically. She knows I’m not telling her the whole truth, but luckily, she lets it go.
“Okay, but you know that you can talk to me anytime, about anything.”
“I do know that.”
“Good. Don’t ever forget it. Now, these beds won’t weed themselves, so get to it, girl.”
The last thing I want to do is weed flower beds now that our little heart-to-heart is over, but when Rachel tells you to do something, she doesn’t take no for an answer. So, I crouch beside her and start pulling weeds. Lost in the familiar motion of it, I start plotting how to get Ben alone later for a repeat of last night and, hopefully, more.
Chapter Thirty-Three
Ben
“Come on, Jer, move your ass.”
