Page 82 of Because of You
Hallie
Ben drops me off at the office and waits until I unlock the door before pulling away. I assume Julie is working in her office, as usual. So, seeing her sitting at the kitchen island with a glass of wine in front of her stops me in my tracks. She turns when she hears the door close. We stare at each other for a second. And I am utterly astonished when tears fill Julie’s eyes and spill over. Julie Parker never cries. Like, never, ever. She broke her leg in two places on a ski slope when we were eleven and didn’t shed a single tear.
I have to battle my instinct to smooth everything over. To tell her it’s okay, to try and make her feel better. I’m done with that. Instead, I move into the kitchen and take the seat next to her. I get my second shock of the night when she speaks first, and the first thing out of her mouth is an apology.
“I’m sorry, Hallie,” she whispers. “I am so fucking sorry.”
Seeing Julie in tears, apologizing, is so rare that I barely know where to go from here.
“What, exactly, are you sorry for, Julie?”
She just looks at me for a second, unused to me not accepting her apology without question.
“For everything.”
“Yeah, I’m going to need you to be more specific.”
She takes a deep breath. “I’m so sorry for dismissing your opportunity to switch to adoption out of hand. I should have let you explain. I should have stayed and talked it through with you and listened to your ideas, how you thought we could make it work. And I’m sorry for saying what I said about you and Ben. I’m happy that you’re happy. I swear I am. I love this for both of you. I love you both, and the thought of you happy together is so special. But it’s been…harder for me than I expected.”
I blow out a breath. Looks like I’m not the only one keeping some feelings close to the vest.
“In what way?”
“I got scared I was going to lose both of you. That you would have each other, and neither of you would need me anymore. You and Ben are my whole world, Hallie. I love Molly and Emma, of course. But it’s been you, Ben, and me for as long as I can remember, and the changing dynamic threw me. And maybe I was a little jealous? You guys are building a whole future that I’m not a part of. I should have talked to you about it. I should have explained how I felt. But I didn’t know how. The last thing I want is to get in the way of you and Ben figuring out what you are to each other. You haven’t done anything wrong. This is a me problem, not a you problem. But the longer I kept it in, the bigger it became, and, well, Tuesday happened. I didn’t mean it, Hallie. I didn’t mean any of it. I want you and Ben to be happy. And the last thing I want is for you to be unhappy or unfulfilled here in this office. That’s the exact opposite of the reason we decided to do this. I have never regretted anything in my life more than I regret what I said to you on Tuesday. I wish I could go back and do it all over again. But since time travel isn’t a thing, I hope you’ll accept my apology, and know that I hate myself ten times more than you could ever hate me.”
I am stunned so speechless it takes me some time to figure out what to say next. Julie offering a heartfelt apology and explanation wasn’t on my bingo card for tonight.
“Julie, nothing that happens between Ben and me will ever take me away from you. Ever. You are my sister, just as much as Hannah and Jo are. Ben and I happened so fast, and it caught us all off guard. I love him, Jules. I love him so fucking much that I sometimes feel like I can’t breathe. But I love you too. Nothing could ever change that. Ben will never take me away from you, and I will never take him away from you.”
Julie sniffles, a couple of tears escaping. “Maybe you guys will get married and then you can be my actual sister. We used to joke about becoming real sisters when we were little. Maybe now it will actually happen.”
The thought of marrying Ben makes me feel all warm inside, but…still.
“Let’s not jump the gun on that. And I’m sorry too. I should have come to you earlier this year and told you that I was unhappy. But the truth is, it wasn’t until Maya’s adoption hearing last month that I figured out what I was unhappy about. I don’t want to plan estates anymore, Jules. I know you love it, but I don’t think I ever did. I love my adoption work. It’s what I’m meant to do.”
“Then you should do it. Seriously, Hallie. I’ve spent the last four days coming up with a plan.”
I smile. “I have a plan too.”
Julie assumes her very serious person doing very serious workface. “So, here’s what’s going to happen right now. We’re going to order dessert, then we’re going to sit here and go over our plans and figure this out together. And we are going to make sure you have what you need to be the best fucking adoption attorney the city of Pittsburgh has ever seen.”
I start laughing and Julie looks at me with a “what?” expression.
“What you just said. ‘Here’s what’s going to happen right now.’ It’s exactly what Ben said to me earlier today when I told him I had a plan. You Parkers. You really know how to take charge of a moment.”
Julie smiles. “What can I say? Twins, you know? I’m ready to take charge of this one, but can I hug you first?”
We stand up at the same time and wrap our arms around each other and hold tight. I cry a little. Julie cries a lot. But they’re good tears. Tears of forgiveness and acceptance and deep and abiding friendship. When we break apart, we’re both a little bit of a mess, but the good kind of mess. The mid-organization project mess right before everything fits perfectly into place.
“Let’s never do that again, okay?” I say to her when we’ve wiped away our tears.
“Never ever. Thank you for forgiving me even when I don’t deserve it. And thank you for coming to me to talk. You didn’t have to do that.”
“I really did. I want to start trying to face things head on. Speaking of which, I have to tell you about dinner tonight with my parents. It was…unexpected.”
“You need to tell me all about that, but first, cake or pie?”
We look at each other for a beat and then say “pie” at exactly the same time and laugh.
