Page 79 of Just My Type
“I’ll keep that in mind.”
“So why are you worried you’ll lose it again?”
I sigh, setting my drink down and leaning back against the railing. “I lost it for so long, and it feels so precarious. Like, what if Noah and I stop hanging out or something, and it all goes away again? I mean, last night we went on a walking ghost tour of the city and then ate diner pancakes at midnight, and today I sat in a coffee shop for hours and wrote eight thousand words. It’s been like that for weeks and weeks. I spend time with him, and then I can write. It’s like I need him so I can do my job and that feels…scary.”
“Do you really need him to write or do you just…need him?”
I open my mouth to answer her and then snap it shut as I turn her words over and over again in my brain, realizing the truth of them. “Shit,” I mutter.
“Indeed,” Cece says, smiling. “Needing someone—a man in particular—would be awfully terrifying for you, especially after what you’ve been through. Because the last time you needed someone, he disappointed you in spectacular fashion. He tore you down, stole your confidence, and took pieces of you, slowly over time and then all at once. It hasn’t felt safe for you to need someone for years and years. But now you do again, and even though your heart may know Noah is a safe place, it’s taking your brain some time to catch up. You’re not worried you’ll lose your writing again; you’re worried you’ll lose yourself.”
“Yes,” I manage, my voice thick. “That’s exactly it. Brett,he…hurt me. In a lot of ways. Noah knows most of it, but I haven’t told my sisters yet.”
“I know, honey,” Cece says, her voice soft. She reaches out and takes my free hand in hers.
“How?” is all I can think to ask.
When Cece looks at me, the understanding on her face has my eyes burning. “The same way I knew to paint the bookshelves in your apartment teal and turn the spare room into an office. From the first time I met you, something about you called to me. I knew you would be making your way to us one day, and when you did, I wanted you to have a place to call your own. A place where family would wrap itself around you. A place you could start to heal.”
I think about the apartment. How it feels like it was made just for me. How walking in the door felt like taking my first deep breath in three years. “It did. You did. All of you,” I whisper, not entirely trusting my words. “After Brett, I never thought I would feel whole. He took so much from me, and being here with Jo, and with all of you? Being in the apartment? It’s like you gave me back the missing pieces of myself and helped me learn how to live again.” I stop short of telling Cece the details of what happened with Brett, but from the look she gives me, it’s safe to say she already knows.
“You’re one of us, Hannah. And not just because you’re Jo’s, or because you’re Noah’s now. Because we needed you. You’re the missing piece of us, too.”
I sniffle and swallow hard, taking another sip of my drink. I didn’t expect impromptu afternoon porch stoop drinks to turn into this, but I should have known it would the second Cece called my name. Turns out, I don’t mind it at all. “I tried so hard for so long to make myself into someone Brett would want that I think I forgot what it feels like to fit into my own life.”
“And here?” Cece asks, her tone telling me she already knows my answer.
I stare down into my drink, almost embarrassed by what I’mabout to admit. “Here it feels like I can just be me. I never want to leave,” I whisper, saying the words out loud for the very first time.
Cece smiles like a proud parent. “Of course you don’t. Boston was meant for you. And I know a certain big-hearted, persistent grandson of mine who would be devastated if you decided to go.”
I smile when I think about Noah, even as my stomach twists at the idea of being anywhere else except for here with him. “He’s the best person I’ve ever known.”
Cece gives me a knowing look. “I think he would say the same about you.”
I laugh a little incredulously, because I know she’s right and it’s still hard to believe. “I know. I think this has been the best summer of my life, and it’s because of him. He’s just…he’s everything, Cece. I feel so much for him, and it’s terrifying.”
“Do you want to tell me why?”
“Because sometimes I still feel so broken. I have days when I sit down to write and still hear Brett’s voice in my head telling me I’m nothing before I have the chance to shove it away. He still texts me constantly, and for some reason I haven’t even begun to figure out yet, I haven’t been able to just block his number and be done with it. A week ago, Noah held my hands above my head when we…” I break off and slam my mouth shut when I realize what I was about to divulge and then figure, what the hell? I’ve already come this far. “He held my hands above my head, and I had a panic attack and forgot how to breathe. How can I subject someone else to all of that? What if he decides one day that it’s all too much for him? I’m not sure I could survive it.”
Cece sets her drink down and then takes mine and does the same, taking both of my hands in hers, her face as serious as I’ve ever seen it. “You listen to me, Hannah Evans. First of all, you are smart and strong and radiant, and you can survive any damn thing. It takes guts to leave something familiar—even if it’s bad—and remake your life the way you have. It takes grit to facewriter’s block and smash your way through the wall. It takes courage to move to a new city and open your life up to new people and your heart to love. But you’ve done all of those things.”
“I’m not in love with Noah.” The protest falls flat even to my own ears because I’m one hundred percent sure I am, in fact, completely in love with him.
Cece just chuckles and lets go of my hand, patting my cheek like I’m a toddler who said something ridiculous. “Okay, well, let’s set that obvious falsehood aside momentarily because whether you are or you aren’t—and you are, by the way—he is absolutely in love with you. And what I’m sure I don’t have to tell you about the Wyles men is that they fall fast, they fall hard, and they fall for life. You’re Noah’s honey, and he’s not going anywhere.”
I take a deep breath and let it out slowly, thinking about his big smile and his gentleness and care. The way my heart skips when he touches me and how thinking of him makes me feel safe and warm all over.Let me show you how you deserve to be treatedandlet me help youandmy wife is the most beautiful woman in the world.
“He’s mine, too. It’s scary.”
Cece nods, eyes steady on mine. “Of course it is. You’ve been through a trauma, Hannah.”
I shake my head, my entire body rejecting that word, but Cece just squeezes my hand again. “You have, honey. And it’s okay to be scared. But if you feel like you’re ready for it, be scared with Noah. Lean on him and trust him to be there for you in the way you need. I promise he’s up for the challenge. You’ve been his since the first time he laid eyes on you in your brother-in-law’s bar three years ago. I knew it then, and I know it now.”
I pick my drink back up and take a long sip. “I know it too,” I say quietly. “But there’s just that little voice in my head, you know? The one that says I’m not enough to make anyone stay. It sounds suspiciously like Brett. Asshole. I wish I could be as confident as you.”
Cece smiles. “I’ve lived a long time. I’ve been lucky to have experienced all the goodness this world has to offer. I fell madly in love, and then witnessed my daughter find her soulmate too. I’ve watched her raise four incredibly good men, and now I have the privilege of being able to watch their love stories. I’ve experienced great loss, and I’ve had to see my oldest grandson grieve the loss of one great love before he found his beautiful second chance. Sometimes the universe can be a stone-cold bitch, but in my experience, goodness wins, and love always finds a way. You and Noah will find a way. I know it for sure.”
