Page 5 of What the Lady Wants
‘I did. But I did not tell you of the resolutions I took that helped me to feel better.’ She was silent for a moment, choosing her words. ‘I was married quite young, by my own most happy choice, and – as most women do – passed from the care of my parents to that of my husband and his family. I have never met with anything but kind concern from any of them, and again I know I have been excessively lucky in that too, but I have never known independence. As a man you probably cannot understand that. I was not aware of it myself, until I began to climb out of my illness, as out of a pit, and realised how little control I had over my life. For a long time, my mother did everything for me, obeying the orders of my doctor, and she decided when I rose each morning, or if I stayed in bed, what I wore, what I ate… She is the best mother in the world; do not think I am ungrateful for her care, and her motives were the most unselfish possible. But I resolved at last to take a little, just a little control for myself.’
‘I believe I can understand you, ma’am. But I must ask, and forgive me if I seem unduly blunt, what this has to do with me.’
‘I will explain. I am aware that it is not obvious. I have two courses open to me, that must be clear. I can accept my widowed state, or I can remarry.’
It seemed to Isabella that her companion was regarding her with the most intense attention now, though she was not sure why. Perhaps he was concerned that she intended to entrap him, or otherwise manipulate him into offering for her – that seemed quite likely, and she hurried to reassure him. ‘Please understand that I have no desire to remarry; Ash was my love, and I cannot look to find another. I can never contemplate it, and I never will.’ She too was watching him intently. Did he suddenly grow pale under his tan? It must be relief. ‘I am resigned to living and dying as a widow, and when my stay with Blanche is done I willreturn to my parents’ house near Harrogate and take up that quiet life again. I will. But…’
She hesitated for a moment, and he supplied, ‘But…?’
‘I want a little something for myself first. Perhaps it is selfish, and probably it is immoral, but… When Ash and I last kissed, last… held each other, I didn’t know any of it was the last time. I didn’t know it was the last timeever.’ Her throat closed up with tears and she was obliged to pause for a moment before continuing.
‘You are so young,’ he said in a low voice that resonated with some powerful emotion; she hoped it was not pity. She had had enough of being pitied.
‘I don’t mind that, or not very much. But I would like to have some last times that Iknoware last times. I can see that many people feel terribly sorry for me – my own parents do – and this is perfectly understandable, but I don’t like it. And to help me cope with it all I want to have something that I can hold to myself and think,Ah, but you do not know. None of you knows.I want to have some choice in what and when my last times are, and I want to have a secret or two. Something that is just mine, for the long, cold years ahead. Can you understand that, sir?’
He was not meeting her eyes now, and she could not read his face. ‘I… I think I begin to perceive what you want from me, but I am not completely sure, and so although it is indelicate I believe I will have to press you to be a little clearer, ma’am. You said…’ He swallowed, and his voice was a little hoarse when he continued, ‘You said you had a list, if I heard you correctly.’
‘I did.’ It was almost a squeak, and the kitten stirred indignantly in his sleep before settling to slumber again.
‘And what exactly is the nature of this list?’
It was her turn to drop her eyes. ‘The first item was kissing.’
‘And the second?’
She could not make her voice any louder than a whisper, but she continued bravely on. If she could not so much as utter it, how could she expect to do it? ‘Kissing with… tongues.’
‘I hardly dare ask what the third is.’
‘It’s probably best you don’t. I’d rather not have to say. But do you grasp the idea?’
‘I think I do. Good God. But… but, forgive me for asking this, why me?’
‘I have another list, this time of possibles. Possible men. Obviously, they had to be unmarried, unattached, and not, not disagreeable in any way, and I had to find them reasonably attractive, and trustworthy, as far as I could tell. And it had to be men who seemed to find me attractive too. So it’s not a very long list. And I thought you were the best.’
He let out a dazed sort of a laugh. ‘Thank you, ma’am. I think. And how far, I’m sorry, but I have to ask this, how far does this list go? Do you just want?—?’
‘It goes as far as you can possibly imagine.’
Now their eyes did meet. They were both blushing furiously, and the room seemed very small, and very hot. ‘You don’t know anything at all about my imagination, and how far it might go,’ he said huskily.
‘Some of the items on the list are illegal,’ she whispered resolutely, her cheeks burning. ‘Some of them are things I couldn’t possibly have believed, before I was married, that people would do to each other.’
‘To each other…’
‘Oh yes,’ she said urgently as she apprehended his meaning. ‘I don’t mean to just… tell you to do things to me. I promise I don’t. That would hardly be fair.’
He shifted a little uncomfortably in his seat. His cheeks were quite scarlet; he seemed deeply affected. ‘Fair. Good God,’ he said again. And then, ‘And if I said no? What would you do?’
She had been prepared for this question and shrugged with a fair assumption of carelessness. ‘I will be sorry, of course, but I will approach the next man on my list, and put the same proposition to him.’
5
He couldn’t help himself. He had to ask. ‘Who might that be?’
She told him; it was a name he knew, and he muffled a curse. ‘That… that popinjay? No!’ Every human feeling must revolt at the prospect. After a moment he realised that he had not said the last part of this thought aloud, and he was glad. She looked at him, her liquid brown eyes wide with surprise.
‘But if you refuse me, sir, what can I do but continue? It would surely be no concern of yours.’
