Page 19 of Sam's Forever
“That I kept tabs on you from afar doesn’t really cut it. I’m your father, and I should have done better.” He’s quiet for a minute as he gathers his thoughts and repeats, “I should have done better by you. I can’t go back and change things, and I’ve lost a lot of years with you because I’m a coward, and I’ll take whatever you want to hand me.”
He stops again, and I can see he’s truly upset about our non-relationship. I speak to Lizzie and my siblings on the regular,and every now and then something slips out from one of them about Cash. I know they have photos of me in their home, including some baby ones that Lizzie must have got from my mum.
None of our families have ever tried to force a relationship between Cash and me. He starts to talk again, so I listen. I’ll have my turn soon enough.
“From my side, I’d like to see if we can maybe have some sort of relationship. I’ll do whatever I need to. I don’t have any right to ask this of you. I know that. You are one of the best men I know, and that’s all thanks to your grandfather, Abby, and Reaper.” Cash sighs and wipes a hand down his face, rubbing at his jaw, and I’m struck by the familiarity when I realise it’s something I do when I’m stressed or worried.
He’s silent for a minute longer as he looks down at the table before lifting his eyes to mine. “I’d really like to get to know you, Sam. The man you are today. But I’ll understand if that’s not something that you want, and I’ll respect your decision. All I ask is that you still keep in touch with the kids because they look up to you.”
He's silent, and I realise he’s finished. I know our relationship is a lot more complicated, and this conversation won’t be the only one we have, but it’s the first one to try and breach the gap. We won’t fix all that is broken today, but it’s a start. I’d like to feel like I can reach out to him whenever I want. He’ll never be my dad, Reaper is that, but he could still be a friend.
“I’m not sure how to tell you how I’m feeling,” I admit. “I’ve gone through all the emotions when it comes to you. Anger, resentment, you name it, I’ve felt it. When I was younger, I never understood how you could have nothing to do with me, but as an adult, I understand a little more. You and Mum were young. Tooyoung,” I raise my eyebrows at him, and a ghost of a smile curves his lips.
“We were,” he agrees.
“I’m not as angry since I spent time with you in the States. I know we didn’t have any long, meaningful conversations, but you did make it clear that you were there if I wanted to talk.”
He nods because he had made it clear that he was there if I needed anything.
“I wasn’t ready,” I admitted before continuing, “Not only was I reeling from a breakup that I didn’t see coming, but I was still a little resentful towards you, especially when I saw what a good dad you were to Maura, Chrissie, and RJ.”
Cash opens his mouth to say something, and I know it will be another apology, but he shouldn’t feel like he should apologize for being a good dad to my siblings. I hold up my hand to stop him. “Don’t apologize for being a good dad to them, Cash. They deserve a good dad.”
I wait as our food is delivered and only start again once we’re alone.
“I don’t want to continue like we have been, though. Ally and I are planning on starting a family sooner rather than later, and we’d like you and Lizzie as part of our family’s lives. She says kids can never have too many grandparents.”
Cash drops his sandwich onto his plate and rubs a hand over his face. “Fuck,” he mutters, blinking, but it doesn’t stop the tear that rolls down his cheek.
I put my sandwich down and reach across to hold his wrist. He takes a shaky breath and looks at me, all the love he feels for me clear in his face, and tears prick my eyes as we stare ateach other. There’s a wealth of emotion that we find difficult to express in that look.
We may never be as close as he is to his other children, but I’m in no doubt that Cash loves me in his own way. We just aren’t good at communicating that fact.
“I love you, Sam,” Cash says emotionally.
“I love you too,” I assure him. We look at each other for a bit, then start to laugh.
“Jesus,” I say, wiping at my eyes. But I feel lighter, like a weight has been lifted from my shoulders. Cash grins at me, and I can tell right away he’s feeling the same as me—it’s like we’ve thrown off the guilt and resentment we’ve been carrying around for the last ten-plus years. We pick up our sandwiches and take a bite of them. “So you’re planning on making me a grandpa already, huh?” Cash says conversationally.
“We’re working on it,” I smirk at him.
“Jesus, fuck. I’m not sure I’m ready to be a grandpa yet. I’m not old enough, surely,” Cash mutters, but I can see the small smile on his lips, so I know he’s teasing.
“That’s what a teenage pregnancy will get you,” I tell him and start to laugh when he glares at me. He soon joins me in laughter, and it feels good. By the time we finish lunch and are back on the bikes, it’s close to three, so I know we can’t take the scenic way home.
The ride home is quick but no less enjoyable. I’d say we both enjoy it more knowing we’ve cleared the air. Our relationship will take work, but at least now we know where we both stand. We’re both smiling when we get off, and when Cash clasps my shoulder as we walk up the steps, I can’t deny it feels good.
“I’m glad we cleared the air,” Cash says as we walk into the reception area. “I still say I’m too young to be a grandpa, but I also can’t wait, so hurry up and get on that because Lizzie will make the hottest grandma ever.” I snort out a laugh, and he grins at me.
He’s not wrong, though; my stepmother is a looker. And speak of the devil, we find an anxious-looking Ally and Lizzie waiting for us in the reception. When they see us laughing together, they relax. “Hey, baby,” I say to Ally. “Did you have a good day?”
“I did,” she assures me, her eyes searching mine. “And you?”
“We did,” I reassure her.
“Thank God,” she whispers as we get closer, and I bend to take her lips with mine. Wrapping her in my arms, I lift her slightly so that she’s on her toes and deepen the kiss.
A wolf whistle sounds through the reception area, and Molly says, “Well, we can certainly say the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree.” Removing my lips from Ally’s, I look up to see what she’s talking about. When I see Cash and Lizzie in a similar hold to how I’ve got Ally, I start to laugh as I rest my forehead against Ally’s, “Love you, baby.”
