Page 57 of Dismantle & Prevail
“She sent me on a path straight to hell filled with disgusting, vile men who used me in ways I will never forget, only to die less than a year later. I was nothing to her. Then in the blink of an eye I was nothing but a pawn to be moved from person to person to use however they saw fit, just to be discarded and sit in silence as I waited for the next player to take their place.”
Suddenly, I’m hit with a wave of sadness and I fight everything in me to not completely break down. “Those nightmares are filled with faces that I couldn’t save. Those beautiful girls who, most of the time, were in the wrong place at the wrong time and failed by a system that doesn’t bother to look deep enough into our disappearances.”
“They chalk it up to—” I pause and mimic quotations with my hands, “We are women. We allow our emotions to guide us, so we must have just run away because someone upset us.”
“Fuck that,” Aries says, taking the words right out of my mouth.
“Exactly. Fuck them. That's why I love this job so much. I get to show those dumbasses that they didn’t just run away because they were sad. They were taken by a problem that is too prevalent in society. It sits right beneath our nose, yet no one has the will or brains to catch these assholes. The system fails women daily and although this job shows me, more often than not, I have failed yet another one. I am grateful I get the opportunity to aid in helping the ones I can.
“It’s just today…today I can’t file what those men did to me, and so many others away, and lock away the memories. Guilt eats me alive to the point where I can barely stand, because why did I get out? Why wasn’t I left behind to help others escape? Why do I get a safe ending when so many don't?”
I don’t even realize that tears coat my vision until Ari is kneeling before me, his cold hands swiping away the tears raining down my face.
“Hellhound. Look at me.”
Shaking his hands away, I continue, “No. For years, any time I closed my eyes, I remembered their hands on me, the degrading, horrific things that they screamed at me when I couldn’t get them off. One time, I didn't get one of them off quick enough before his wife came home, so he punished me by making me watch as he executed one of my best friends. We were seventeen at the time and I had to watch my best friend fucking die. And that wasn’t the first time it happened. I lost so many people. I lost so much of myself. And now I’m sitting here, helping so many, yet every day I feel this immense guilt that I made it out.”
Shutters racket my body and my chest tightens. My lungs seize and I desperately search Aries’ eyes for help.
In a flash, Aries is standing, lifting me into his arms, and sitting back down with me in his lap. He tucks the blanket tightly around me as my cries continue and he whispers in my ear, “You are okay. You are safe. You are a hero. You made it out because you are a survivor and a warrior. Do not feel guilty for getting out alive. Feel proud that you made a life for yourself that is filled with helping others.”
He repeats the words that I desperately need to hear over and over until my breathing returns to normal.
His large hand runs a pattern up and down my back, and I can’t help but sink into his warm, comforting touch.
No one says a single word, both of us looking out at the canyon.
Never in my life did I think I would share this side of myself with this man, but now that I’m here, I can’t help but feel a sense of relief. Like I was holding back a piece of myself and now that it’s finally out there for him to see, he finally knows the real Taylor. The one that isn’t just the sarcastic, won’t take no for an answer hacker who loves to give him a run for his money.
Sitting up, I turn to face Ari, searching his face for a hint of disgust or anything that could reveal something has changed between us now that he knows just how rocky my past was.
A small smile spreads across his face and he whispers, “You’re beautiful and I am so lucky to have you in my life. Whatever path you lead us on, please know that I am so happy to have you in my life.”
The stark realization that I feel myself falling for this man every time he simply speaks hits me in the face and I am forced to find the words to say that have been a major reason I have been fighting this battle so hard.
“Ace. There is a reason I have been hesitant. And it’s not just because I am trying to figure out my own feelings. But in no universe is there a way I can let myself fall for you and be with you, without you knowing the truth.”
Aries’ hand on my back pauses and he stares at me inquisitively. “Nothing you say will change the way I feel about you. I would know if you were hiding something big, like being a damn murderer or psychopath. It’s kind of hard to hide twenty-four seven when you live with someone. So I promise you, whatever it is, nothing will change.”
Damn, I wish I could believe him, but I can’t.
Straightening in his lap, I try to climb off, but he stops me, wrapping his arms tighter around my waist. His dark chocolate eyes stare at me, daring me to escape again, knowing full well he will stop me once more.
Giving in, I glance up at the sky for a brief moment before returning my gaze to him.
I can do this.
“I don’t know how to say this, so I’m just going to be blunt. And please know, I completely understand if it changes how you feel. Especially after everything with Rayne. Trust me, I understand. Okay?”
Aries' face goes blank at the mention of his daughter’s name. “Taylor. Tell me now.”
Taking a deep breath, I allow the cool air to fill my lungs. “When you are sold, you are often placed on a hormone suppressant to keep you from getting pregnant. They couldn’t care less about any sexually transmitted diseases, but pregnancy? If you wound up pregnant, you were dead. So, I was placed on a high dose of medication that was often laced with sedatives, so I wasn’t so combative. I was forced to be on various different drugs for years and my body paid the price.”
I pause and take another deep breath, mentally preparing myself for everything to change in an instant. “When I got to the compound, Doc immediately brought in an OBGYN because of my situation. She ran various tests and after checking multiple times, she found that due to the strength and unconventional hormone suppressants I was on, my body has a hard time recreating them. Meaning that getting pregnant will be nearly impossible.” My voice cracks and I watch as Aries face drops.
“I couldn’t let us go any further until you knew. We are both adults and frankly, I have no interest in getting into a relationship that doesn't have the chance at lasting, and I know you feel the same. So with everything that happened with Rayne, I couldn’t live with myself if we got together and I put you through more loss or heartbreak. Someone like you deserves to be a dad and with the uncertainty of my ability to give you a tiny version of you, I cannot sit here and allow us to go any further knowing there is a large piece of me that could make you not want me.”
The emotion clogging my throat causes me to stop and Aries face remains blank.
