Page 53 of The Weight Of It All
“With the exception of my time in Singapore and Melbourne, of course. Stepping up into this role isn’t easy.”She nodded slowly. “Though your analysis of the ACX reports was good.”
Why was she bringing this up?“Was something amiss?”
“No, Henry, of course not.”
I relaxed immediately. “Oh, I was worried there for a moment.”
She smiled at me, keeping eye contact, and I realised this wasn’t her professional face.Was she about to dip her toe into personal waters?My heart rate started to spike… I think I’d prefer to be fired. “In all your years here, you’ve been a closed book,” she said coolly. “Nothing short of proficient, courteous, and impeccably professional.”
Oh God. This wasn’t going to be personal at all. This was sounding a lot like Graham’s ‘it’s not me, it’s you’ speech… “Am I being fired?”
She blinked in surprise then laughed. “Good heavens, no Henry.” Her smile softened, and she straightened the pen on her desk. “I wanted to talk to you today about some changes I’ve noticed. Something has changed for you in recent weeks, and I’m not the only one to notice it.”
I swallowed hard. “I’ve had some changes in my personal life. I thought I kept a distinct line between work and home, but clearly not as good as I thought. I apologise if it’s had a negative impact on my performance, and if any colleagues?”
Lillian put her hand up and stopped me. “Henry. It’s quite the opposite actually. It’s been noted you’ve been talking and laughing with a few people around the office, which is new. And I’m led to believe this new Monday morning tea that everyone’s talking about was your idea.”
“Oh. Well, accidentally, yes.” Lillian waited for me to explain. “I brought in a citrus tart for Melinda, and she shared it with everyone, and so the idea was born. If it’s a problem, Ican tell everyone to stop. Though we have made a note of allergies and religious concerns to make sure it’s safe for everyone.”
Lillian smiled. “It’s no problem. In fact, I think it’s a great idea. It’s been a great morale booster throughout our floor, and whether it was started accidentally or a planned initiative, Henry, you’re to be congratulated.”
“Oh. But it was really Melinda’s idea…”
“And the change in your inter-office relationships? For six years you’ve barely spoken freely with anyone, but now you are.”
“Is that a bad thing?”
“No, not at all. Just a noted change. I walked past some people and overheard them saying how nice this change is in you. Is everything okay?” She seemed to sense my hesitancy. “You can speak freely with me, Henry.”
“Yes, thank you. Everything’s fine.” I was going to leave it at that, but her imploring gaze made me panic. “I found myself suddenly single after eight years.”
“Oh.” She schooled her features quickly. “I’m sorry to hear that.”
“I was too. But as it turns out, there have been some silver linings.”
“Well, I’m glad, Henry. Did you need some personal time?”
“No, no. In fact, I feel like I’ve been more focused and have more energy for work than before.” Then my filterless brain went on a possibly career-ending rampage without me. “See, I’ve started a new exercise program because my ex decided I was too old and fat for the life he wanted to live. Anyway, I have a personal trainer now and a new dietary plan. I work out three times a week, and I feel great. I didn’t in the beginning, I thought I was going to die, but now I feel so much better. It doesn’t hurt that my personal trainer is lovely and sexy as hell, even though he’s making me do the Bay Run,which might possibly kill me, I’m kind of looking forward to the challenge.”
Lillian stared at me, her expression unreadable.
“Okay, sorry, this is generally why I don’t speak freely at work. When I first started here, Graham thought it would be best if I didn’t engage in conversation, for reasons which are now clearly obvious.”
“Graham?”
Oh crap. I cleared my throat. “Ah, yes. He would be my now ex-partner.”
Lillian continued to eye me, and eventually she gave a small smile. “Henry, I was unaware you are gay.”
And suddenly I felt stripped bare and very defensive. I swallowed hard and took a second to speak. “I trust it’s not an issue.”
Her eyes softened and she held up her hand. “Not at all. I’m just sorry you felt you couldn’t tell me sooner.” Then she tilted her head. “Is that the real reason you never attended any Christmas parties?”
“Mainly. That and my lack of ability to hold conversations without rambling like a socially inept unit, much like I am now. Add the possibility of alcohol at a Christmas party, and I’d be singingLes Mison tables and giving people unsolicited fashion tips.”
Lillian fought a smile. “I see.”
I sighed. “I can talk about work, figures, statistics, and probabilities all day long. Give me reports and data files, and I use them like a shield. But talking freely about personal subjects has always been a concern. Sorry. I’m trying to do better, but I lack a filter, and after all these years of not engaging in conversation with anyone I work with, it’s not an easy feat.”
