Page 24 of Wildly Yours
"What's stopping you?"
"I was wondering if you want to go with me?"
My mind seizes up like an engine with no oil.
Chapter Fourteen: Cody
Serena's words are playing over in my mind as I drive back to the park. It's hard to believe I acted gracefully. I feel anything but that. I feel rough, angry, feral. I feel like a caged animal most of the time, waiting for the moment to strike out. But I could have struck out with Blake, and I didn't. No one would have blamed me, yet I kept my cool.
I did the impossible. Maybe I'm not as dangerous as I believe.
What is real? Which beliefs are a creation of my imagination?
Like a river tumbling rocks over its bed, I allow my mind to toss these ideas around. What has my imagination convinced me of?
***
I see Serena's car pull into the parking lot below the visitor center, so I shut down my computer and walk out to meet her.
She changed into a pair of jeans, a flannel, oilskin coat, and her hiking boots. It's hard to look away. She's warmth on a cold winter day and more than my eyes are drawn to her. My whole being is drawn to her—body, mind, and soul.
Despite the pull I feel towards her, keeping my cool with Blake today doesn't prove I can be safe enough for her, so I'm not even going to try to fix us. And as soon as I have that thought, I know thatnottrying again doesn't square with me asking her to come up here. I'm going to ignore my inconsistency for now, because the way I felt when I saw him yelling at her, the way I feel right now, is in no way compatible with keeping my distance.
I'll have to figure out how to keep away from her later because all I want is to walk these trails with her, to discover something new with her, even if it's just a gravestone.
"Ready to go grave hunting?"
"As ready as I'm going to be."
"I'm glad you came up."
"Cody, I…"
She looks away from me. The sun is peeking through the spruce and fir trees, dappling her face with light.Angelic. That's what flashes through my mind before I shove it away.
"I've got some water in my pack. Let's head out."
She trails behind me as we round the corner of the visitor center and catch the path up through fern, Salmonberry, and Kinnikinnick. We walk for a few minutes in silence, but the air is thick between us. We both know there is too much that is still unsaid. Too much we are looking past to be here together right now.
"It's not too far of a walk."
"I don't mind. It's been too long since I came up here."
My feet plant firmly where I am and I look over my shoulder at her. "You don't come up here because of me."
"Question or comment?"
"Comment."
"You're right. But I'm not sure this is the moment to unpack all of that. Even though I want to. God, I want to."
Her hair has fallen in her eyes and I feel a pull in my gut to reach out and tuck it behind her ear, but I don't. I don't dare move any way but forward.
But are we really moving forward if I keep my silence?
We start walking again, reaching a tiny shed where I store a lot of the trail management tools. I unlock it and grab a shovel, pruners, and shears. I'm not sure what we're going to be working on when we get to the spot located on the map. It's been a while since I've trekked up that way.
I pocket the pruners and toss the shovel and shears across my shoulder.
