Page 34 of Wildly Yours
"Is it bad?"
"Sometimes. When it's really bad, I imagine a box in my mind. I open it up and shove everything inside and then lock it up tight. It used to be that I would struggle with sleep and stress. But then I had a severe panic attack and…it was like that opened up some kind of flood gate."
"You had the panic attack after I broke it off with you?"
"Yeah."
I move to the floor, shifting the coffee table to get it out of my way so I'm kneeling in front of her. Then I wrap my arms around her and tug her as close as I can without messing with her injured leg.
"I'm so sorry. Serena, I knew I was hurting you, but I never knew that I was hurting you this bad."
"Cody, no offense but how could you not? You were my best friend. I gave you my virginity and two weeks of radio silence later you fucking broke up with me."
I feel hot tears as they land on my face which is buried in her neck, and squeeze her tighter as she starts to shake. Sniffles turn to sobs, and I hold on with everything I've got.
It's amazing how much we hurt each other when we're just trying to survive life. When we're trying to do what we believe is right. I thought I was keeping her safe, when in reality I was doing harm. How do you know what is right? How do you know when to question your assumptions?
I feel her fingers in my hair, and my body releases a breath I didn't know I was hanging onto. My chest opens up and I inhale her scent. I feel her heat filling the tiny spaces between us. This is a warmth I forgot existed. It's been so long since I've let myself be near anyone. And now I'm pressed up against the one person who I love so much that I hurt her trying to keep her safe.
"Cody?"
"Yeah?"
"Can you help me to the bathroom?"
"Of course."
I look up and see her makeup is running down her face and her eyes are red. I stand in front of her and then bend to loop my arm around her, lifting her to standing. I grab the crutches and hand them to her, and then walk behind her as she hobbles down the hall.
"You don't have to wait for me in the hallway."
I head to the kitchen and put some water on for tea. Then I think better of it and check her fridge for a beer. I'm not going to leave her alone right now, so I might as well enjoy a drink. Besides, Caleb is going to have to drive me back up the mountain later. I pull out my phone and finally see his text.
Caleb:Hey, since I can't read your mind from this distance, what the hell?
Me:She twisted an ankle up at the park. Just being neighborly.
He must have been holding his phone when I sent the message, because he immediately shoots off another.
Caleb:Bullshit. You still over there?
Me:yeah, I need a ride later.
Caleb:The ride will cost you one VERY good explanation
Me:I'll be in touch
Serena comes out of the bathroom with a clean face and her hair wrapped up in a bun. She looks tired and I can't imagine how she must be feeling right now.
"What can I do right now to get you comfortable?"
"How about a glass of wine, pizza, and a blanket? I think I'll be fine with these crutches, but it would be nice to just fall asleep here on the couch after you leave."
"I don't have to go."
"Cody, I…"
"If you want me to leave, I will. But I don't have to. I just cracked open your last beer. I'll pour you some wine, order that pizza, and get you settled, and then you can decide what you want."
