Page 39 of Wildly Yours
"I'm coming, Mom. It's just that I need to talk about something first."
She kisses the top of my head and then sits across from me, with Buzz at her side. They both fix their gaze on me, which is comforting and intense. There is no escaping this moment.
My hands are clammy and my mouth is dry. I take a swig of my iced tea to steal a moment to gather my thoughts. Where did my perfectly planned speech go?
"I went to therapy today," I blurt out.
They exchange a quick look and then turn back to me.
"With Serena Davis."
My mother leans in and Buzz starts rubbing his chin. I'm pretty sure he's trying not to laugh.
"And the therapist gave me a task. That's why I'm here. Doing the task."
"My darling baby, please tell your mother what is happening. Are you coming out of the closet? Is that why you don't have girlfriends? We love you no matter what."
"No, Mom. I need to tell you what happened when I disappeared for those two weeks."
My mom instinctively reaches for Buzz's hand, and squeezes it tight.
"I'm listening."
"One night after Caleb got suspended, I overheard the two of you talking about our father. About how you were concerned Caleb was turning out like him."
"That was fear talking, Cody. Your mom and I never really believed it."
"That doesn't change the fact that it stuck with me. It was like a thorn in an animals paw. The thought that there was something wrong with him, withus, festered in me. It started to consume me. I needed to know whohewas. I needed to know if I could see him in Caleb. Or me. So, one day when it became too much, I went to go find him. Our father. I needed to know if the reason Caleb had been fighting so much and I felt so much, I don't know…rage? Was because we inherited it from him. Because at times it felt like I was fighting with a demon to keep my temperin check. And you both know that Caleb didn't fare as well as me."
My mom wipes at her eyes, and it's almost enough to make me stop. If Serena weren't counting on me, I would. I would tell them I couldn't find him and I decided to go to Las Vegas. But I've been running from that night for seven years. I've been hiding from what happened since I put him in the hospital. I have to find my way through for her.
Forme. Because she's right. No matter what happens between us, I also have to let go of my fear and pain. There's nouswithoutmejust like there's nouswithoutherdoing what she needs to do to release her fear and pain so she can find her way back to trusting me. This is how we get to be together.
"So I drove to California and I found him. And I stayed at the house for a couple of nights. In our old room. It still has mine and Caleb's crib set up. Nothing had changed."
"How was he?"
"Drunk. Angry. Old before his time. And at first he was your average dickhead, saying shitty things but otherwise harmless. But it escalated quickly. By the last night—"
A ball of grief moves up through my body. I'm choking on the weight of it. I can barely breathe. The thick, dense, sticky ball of rage and sadness and hurt that lodged itself inside me that night is caught in my throat. I open my mouth to try to finish my sentence, to take a breath, and instead a roar pours out.
I'm doubled over dry heaving, as noises I've never heard before stream out of my body. Mom is suddenly on one side of me, Buzz on the other, and they hold on for dear life. They squeeze me and rock me and don't let go until I've wrung myself out.
I don't know how much time passes, but I feel my heart calm, and my hands unclench. If I believed in exorcisms, I would think I just performed one on myself. There is a space in mychest where the thoughts of that night had lodged itself. Now I feel freedom. Separation. It's not a part of me anymore. It's simply something that happened. Something I can observe like I observe my frogs and birds in the forest.
My parents release their hold, and my mom sits down next to me.
"You don't have to tell us anything else if you don't to."
"I want to. I need to."
Buzz grabs some tissue and brings it over to the table. "Can I get you anything, Son?"
I shake my head and pull out a tissue to wipe the sweat and tears off my face.
"I want to tell you what happened…That last night, he started pushing me. Verbally at first, but then physically. And the vitriolic things that were coming out of his mouth…Anyway, I snapped. And I hit him back. We stood there looking at each other for a few seconds after I did it. And then he attacked me for real, and it was as if something was unleashed. I couldn't stop myself and I…I put him in the hospital. He went into a coma. And I left. I left him there to rot in his own anger and hate. I drove all night until I found a roadside motel in Nevada. And I stayed a week, drinking every day until I blacked out. Then one day I'm walking to the gas station to buy my booze and food, and I see this stupid roadside sign that just says, "time to face the music". It was an advertisement for a club in Reno, but I took it as a sign I needed to return to my life. But instead of going back to the way things were, I accepted that I was just like him. I had turned into him. And I needed to keep you guys, and… and… Serena safe. So I finished up my education and then took the job up in the park to keep my distance while also…keeping you all close."
My mom wipes at her face and blows her nose. Then she gets down on her knees in front of me, and wraps her arms around my waist.
