Page 20 of A Good Mother
As if reading her mind, Jimmy interrupted the birds and her thoughts. ‘Have you still not spoken to your mum?’
‘I texted. She’s fine. Mike is stuck in Zeebrugge, and she’s not best pleased because the sink is leaking. Of course, it went over her head that the poor sod is miles from home and sleeping in his cab in a queue from hell. And before you ask Don is okay too. He’s been furloughed. That’s all I know.’ This and her tone signalled to Jimmy that the conversation was at an end. He was good at reading the signs.
A moment passed then Jimmy piped up. ‘I’ve been thinking.’
‘Oh, oh… bright-idea alert.’
Ignoring her sarcasm he continued. ‘Now that I’m around in the mornings, well, all day really, why don’t you do something for yourself. Now you’ve got the best hands-on-dad-and-husband in Cheshire at your service.’
Gina was flummoxed. ‘Like what exactly?’
‘You could start running again. You used to love that, especially in the mornings and evenings and since we’ve had Mimi, you don’t go anymore. I think it would be good for you.’ Jimmy’s face looked pinched; a sure sign he was worried about how she’d react.
‘Why? What do you mean it’d be good for me? Are you trying to say I’ve put on weight or something?’ Gina’s heart hammered in her chest while her stomach churned, the swell of nausea rising towards her throat.
It was true, he was going off her and in his own cack-handed way was giving her a hint. So when he leapt forward, kneeling in front of her, taking her hands in his, he caught her off guard, as did his words. ‘Gina,no! Stop that right now. That’s not what I meant at all.’ His eyes were wide and full of concern as he released his grip and took her face in the palm of his hands. ‘Please, Gina, you have to listen to me and believe what I’m saying because the last thing I want is you getting sick, and you know what I mean by that,don’t you?’
He waited for her to nod, then pressed on. ‘You’re beautiful, and you haven’t put weight on. In fact it’s the opposite and that’s why I’m worried. It was your thing, running, so I thought it’d be nice for you to start again, put some colour in those gorgeous cheeks and have some time away from here, that’s all.’
Gina nodded, blinking back tears as she tried to compute what Jimmy was saying. Even though she wanted to believe him, she didn’t and instead, translated his concern into something else: paranoia and suspicion. ‘Why do you want me out of the house? Christ, Jimmy. You’ve only been home for three days and you’re sick of me already… that’s a great start, isn’t it.’ And even though she’d tried to put a humorous slant on it, keeping her voice light, she’d meant every word.
Jimmy sighed, kissed her forehead, and tenderly wiped away her tears with his thumbs. ‘Gina, stop… you’re reading this all wrong. I swear it’s not that, because – believe it or not – I love being here with you and the monsters, but… it’s just that if I’m honest, I’m worried about you. You’ve seemed distant lately, edgy I suppose. And we can’t skirt around it, you have lost weight and I think I know why, what’s on your mind and we need to talk about it.’
The panic, when it hit, made Gina swoon, because shedid notwant to hear what she thought he was going to say. She didn’t want to go over all that again; sayhername and have it taint the walls of their home and stick to the furniture. She couldn’t bear to listen to his lies, denials, be put down in defence of that woman like last time. She’d snap. And all the loathing, for herself and for that fucking bitch Bella Young, would come pouring out. And worse, he might actually admit to it.
Then it would be over; the dream would become a nightmare.
Her lips wouldn’t move, her voice was trapped by invisible hands that squeezed her throat. And even though she wanted to run, her legs wouldn’t move so she just sat and stared. In doing so, Jimmy took it as an invitation to speak.
‘I’ve worked it out, what’s wrong and part of it is my fault, I know. I’ve handled things badly and should’ve realised that going back to work isn’t easy when you’ve been at home for a while. It’s natural to lose your confidence and you’ve always suffered with anxiety so no wonder the whole getting a job malarkey is stressing you out, but I thought it’s what you wanted.’
Gina was dumbfounded so merely nodded.
‘And that’s why I’ve been encouraging you, when nothing would give me more pleasure than knowing you were always here for the kids – and me, of course. Yes, it’s a bit 1950s but who cares. This is our life, and we can live it how we want to.’
Jimmy paused and tilted his head slightly to one side, as if to gauge how Gina was feeling and thinking.
‘So what I’m trying to say is why not leave it a while, or forever, whatever. Get a full-time job or don’t, it’s fine by me. And who knows what’s round the corner, but right now this bloody virus has put the brakes on a lot of things so please, stop stressing about your CV and poncy recruitment agencies. Stuff them, delete them, and look after you. Take some time off from being Mum and let me help,okay?’
Gina could actually feel her lips again, and her chest wasn’t about to snap under the pressure of whatever was crushing her lungs and ribcage. A job… he thought she was nervous and worried about getting a job.
Oh, thank God, thank you, God. Thank you, thank you, thank you.
Finally, she got it together and in utter relief, flopped forward and wrapped her arms around Jimmy’s shoulders, pulling him as tight as she could with arms that felt like jelly. When she’d totally gained control Gina pulled away from his embrace, kissed him softly on the lips then put him straight with a pack of lies.
‘Thank you… you’re right. I’m being silly and getting in a bit of a tizzy about it all, you know, finding childcare for the kids, missing them, meeting new people. I’ve played it safe, writing the online articles but getting back out there and actually designing is a bit daunting so yes, I was overwhelmed. Like you said, I’m not that great with the big, bad outside world at the best of times.’
Jimmy opened his mouth to speak but was interrupted by the voice of Max, calling down the stairs. ‘Mummy, are you coming to say night-night? I’ve turned the telly off but you haven’t given me a cuddle yet.’
Hearing his words, Gina laughed. ‘See, and this is why I can’t bear to be parted from them! How can I resist that?’
She stood, and Jimmy followed suit but didn’t let her run to Max until he’d given her another gentle, reassuring kiss. ‘Go see to Max then we’ll have dinner and some “us” time, okay.’
Gina nodded and pulled away, unable to speak, utterly overcome with emotion and totally bemused. As she headed up the glass staircase and gripped the banister for support, Gina listened to the voice in her head that echoed her thoughts.
Maybe you’ve got it wrong. Maybe you’ve misread the signals, misunderstood what Babs saw, misinterpreted the text message. Or you’re going totally mad. Or Jimmy is a very, very convincing liar.
As she reached the top of the stairs and swept Max into her arms, Gina could only pray that she was the one to blame. It might be extreme, but losing the plot was far better than the alternative.
