Page 37 of A Good Mother
‘Yes, I think I did mean that, but like everything else I’ve resigned myself to getting on with it because I never want to hurt him. No matter how unhappy I am. He might do my head in, but he’s not a bad person. I don’t even think he realises, even though I drop enough hints and as you say, grumble a lot. It’s like he’s tuned me out and I’m just background noise.
‘He might even be putting up with me like I put up with him. So we need to work it out somehow, me and your dad, find our way back. It’s as simple as that so there’s no need for you to worry. It’s just a blip that lots of couples go through, okay.’
They’d reached some wooden sea defences in the sand and ahead she could see the steps leading into town. Babs suddenly felt weary, maybe from walking but more from talking. And guilt, that she’d shared her innermost thoughts and feelings with her child. That was wrong. Demi didn’t deserve that.
The urge to sit suddenly overwhelmed her so Babs unhooked her arm and instead of continuing up the beach, plonked herself on the wooden groyne. Demi followed suit.
‘Anyway, enough about me. Today was supposed to be fun, not a therapy session, so we should buck up! Let’s talk about something else, now.’
Nothing, so Babs soldiered on. ‘Tell me, how do you feel about your exams, or should we say the lack of them. I hope you’re not worried about school estimating your grades. You’re the Finch family clever clogs, so I know you’ll smash it.’ Babs hoped her voice sounded confident and full of the joys of May and that her optimism would rub off on Demi when she replied.
When she did, Babs admitted defeat because her words were flat, flatter than a cartoon character being squashed by a steamroller. ‘No, I’m not worried. I’ve worked hard over the last two years and my predicted grades are all elevens and twelves. Still, I’d have liked the opportunity to show what I can do in exams but it’s not going to happen, so what’s the point in moaning about it? I’m focusing on September now and going to college. I’ll get my chance to prove myself when I do my A levels. So, it’s all good.’
Babs was confused because Demi had it all figured out yet still sounded downbeat. She had to enthuse some excitement into her, and the day, otherwise they could have stayed at home and been depressed by Sasha, and her non-existent job prospects.
‘And then in a couple of years you’ll be off to uni. How exciting will that be? That’s when the fun will really begin, and you’ll be proper grown up. My last little bird to fly the Finch nest.’
As soon as she said it, Babs knew what Demi was going to say, just by the way she sat up straighter, and her shoulders stiffened as though preparing for battle. Demi turned her head, a steely look in her eyes, the question that came out of her mouth no surprise.
‘And then what will you do, Mum? When I start my big adventure, what will happen to you? That’s what I want to know and what you need to start thinking about. Because you can’t go on like this; it’s not fair, and it’ll make me sad leaving you behind if I know you’re unhappy.’
Babs was dumbfounded, just for a second or two, but shook away Demi’s rather forthright words and miraculously found her own. ‘So… what do you want me to do?’
A sigh, long and loud and probably borne from sheer exasperation, preceded Demi’s reply. ‘I want you to think aboutyourfuture, Mum, not mine. I’ve made my plan. And I’m sure as hell going to stick to it and not end up like Isaac the mard-arse-saddo or Sasha the professional layabout.
‘I want you to be happy, in any way that makes you smile and feel fulfilled and to do it for yourself, not us andcertainlynot Dad because he will always look after himself first and foremost.’
Demi took her mum’s hands in hers and held them tightly. ‘The thing is, I’ve had time to think about everything. Not just you and me. About how our lives changed over the last few months. We lost control. Were forced to stay home and do what Boris told us to. It made me realise how quickly life can be taken away, and how plans got trashed, and everything we took for granted became something we missed and craved. Simple stuff like seeing our friends and family. Can you believe that?
‘I watched you. Saw how you started to change. You kind of glowed, like you were free to be you and jiggle about the front room in your pink pants and that bloody rainbow headband.
‘You made rules and actually got our lot to do their bit. You made new friends online and it’s like my mum found her confidence again. I don’t want you to lose all that now you’re going back to work, back to being the “before Babs”. Does that make sense?
‘So after all this lockdown madness has faded away and we get back to normal, I want you to promise you won’t fade away or lose momentum. And talk to me, about anything. Will you, Mum? For me, for us both.’
Babs nodded and sucked in a breath, begging the tears not to flow but they did because Demi was right, and also, because she’d never loved her girl more than in that moment. Pulling herself together she nodded. ‘Okay, I promise. In fact, I’m going to ring the doctor and get an appointment because my mood swings are dreadful, and I’ve tried vitamins and herbal tea, but they aren’t working. I have to be proactive if only about my health and bloody sanity! And best of all I have an ally,’ Babs clung onto Demi’s hands.
‘It’ll make me stronger, having someone to talk to when I have a wobble, and by that I’m not talking about my bum.’
This made Demi smile, at last.
‘But it’s not right, is it? I’m your mum and I shouldn’t burden my child. I feel so bad for bothering you. I’m sorry, Demi, I really am.’
Demi whipped her hands away and rested them on Babs’ shoulders, giving her a stern look as she spoke. ‘Stop that right now! I mean it. You’ve been there my whole life and now it’s my turn to be there for you and, I’malmostan adult, so I’m allowed to give you advice and support. And even though I don’t want to sharemyinnermost secrets with my mother, we can still be friends, you know.’
Babs merely nodded.
Demi gave her a wink. ‘Good, so it’s a deal. We go into the future together and one way or another whatever is in store we’ll work it out, fight the good fight and all that.’
‘Deal.’ Babs leant forward and hugged her wonderful daughter, not caring who walked by and saw them.
Demi broke away first and stood, holding out her hand to her mum. ‘Right, Ma Finch, I think that’s enough soul-searching for one day so let’s walk up to the harbour and look at the boats and ooh, what about the miniature railway… Remember, we used to go on the trains when we were kids. Let’s go see if it’s open.’
Babs did remember, like it was yesterday.
Standing, she rubbed her achy knees and then brushed down her jeans while Demi took photos of a seagull resting on the rocks, ignorant to the fact he would soon be a Snapchat star.
The ping of her own phone told Babs she had a message so pulling it from her bag she checked the screen. Perhaps it would be Sasha saying she’d bagged the job as head of the BBC. Anything that would make three years at uni, debt, and a media degree worthwhile. Instead, she saw Gina’s name appear and read the words underneath.
