Page 43 of A Good Mother
Silence descended as she accepted the tea towel Babs offered, and while she wiped her eyes, wished she could stop bloody crying and erase the mess in her head by telling someone about her Jimmy. But once those words were spoken out loud they would sound the death knell on their marriage, of that Gina was convinced.
‘Gina, love. Hey…’ Babs reached forward and took Gina’s free hand. ‘I get it, I really do. I was absolutely blooming terrified of going back to work in case I got the dreaded virus. And if it hadn’t been for the fact I’d have looked like a bloody Teletubby, I’d have bought some paper overalls. But I’m getting used to it now and if you’re sensible…’
Gina cut in, shaking her head as she spoke. ‘It’s not just that, though, Babs. It’s me, how I feel inside. About leaving the security of home and being away from the kids. I don’t have the confidence to go out there to meet new people. I can’t do it. I know I can’t.’
Babs let go of Gina’s hand and paused for a moment before asking a question. ‘Do you think you’ve got claustrophobia?’
For a second Gina was non-plussed, then realised. ‘You mean agoraphobia… I don’t think so because I can go to the shops and out for a run… but sometimes I have to force myself out of the door so who knows. Imightbe getting it.’
It then occurred to Gina that it would actually be a solution, to be afflicted by the same condition her bone-idle mother pretended to have. But never, ever, did she want to be likened to that waste of space no matter how desperate she became.
‘I don’t think so, love. It sounds to me like you’re suffering from lack of confidence, and I reckon lots of people will be feeling the same right now.’
Gina nodded whereas Babs was on a roll and settling into counselling mode.
‘Okay, then. Tell me what youwantto do. What your plan for the future would be if you could concoct one.’
I’d want my husband to not be having an affair. To love me like he used to do and for Bella Young to fuck off back to Italy and never come back. Or die. Yes, actually I would want her to die.
Instead, she looked straight at Babs and said, ‘I’d want to be just like you.’
‘Me!’ Babs’ hand flew straight to her chest, a look of utter surprise transforming her previously worried face. ‘Why on earth would anyone want to be like me?’
With the attention on Babs, Gina was able to relax slightly and leant forward, resting her elbows as she fiddled with the soggy tea towel. ‘Because you’re the best. The best mum and wife, and friend. I’ve known you almost all my life and to me, you’re like a shining example of what a proper mum should be. You’ve always put your family first and worked around them and they love you for it. So if I could be someone, I’d be you.’
‘Aw, love, that’s such a nice thing to say, I’ve come over all of a do-da now.’ Babs fanned her cheeks as she spoke, ‘But, love, I’m not perfect or a shining example, that I can promise you.’
Gina shook her head. ‘To me you are. You know, when I was growing up I used to pray, I mean really pray, that you’d adopt me, and then I could live at your house because I loved going there. It was a proper home, my idea of family life and I was always so happy when for whatever pathetic reason she gave, Mum asked you to babysit. I remember feeling light as a feather when we headed to yours for tea, and like a lump of lead when it was time to go home.’
‘Oh, love, I never knew that. You poor bugger. But there’s always room for one more round my table especially if it’s you… and not one of our Isaac’s bloody annoying girlfriends.’ Babs winked and then grabbed the tea towel to dab her leaky eyes, her remark somewhat lightening the mood and jollying things along.
Just like good mums do, Gina thought.
‘But you can’t waste your degree and all that hard work, staying here for the rest of your life. And you’re so talented, Gina.’
Babs turned and waved her hand around the kitchen. ‘Just look how beautiful you’ve made this house and I’ve seen your lovely sketches and mood board thingies on your laptop, and what you can do with a tatty old cupboard is amazing so please, don’t give up. Give it some time and some thought. Maybe once Mimi is in nursery you’ll get fed up with just having me for company and be climbing the walls, desperate to get out. And please, don’t end up like yours truly, a grumpy old nag, Mrs Frustrated Finch who’s left it all too late.’
The best Gina could manage was a weak smile, and then something occurred. ‘What do you mean,frustrated? And what have you left too late? I thought you were happy running your little cleaning empire around the Finch family. You’ve never said otherwise… I mean yes, I know you do grumble about thema lot, but you’re only joking because you love them really… and you always seem so fulfilled. Busy but happy.’
Babs regarded Gina for a moment and looked deep in thought, as though she was pondering how honest to be but when she rallied, it was to give support and a bit of a confession.
‘Yes, I am busy, but I can’t say I’m fulfilled and that’s my point. I did what I did for my family, my babies, and my husband. I made a home they’d want to come back to, food they liked to eat. And I’m proud of all that, and being self-employed, and knowing that my clients need me as much as my family do. I work hard and don’t have a bad life, but lately I’ve had a bit of a wobble of my own and thinking a lot about the past and where it might have gone wrong. Things I could have done differently and funnily enough, how I can change the future. You know, perhaps do a few things just for me.’
This revelation had taken Gina by surprise and hadn’t turned out to be the security blanket or get out of jail card she’d been expecting. ‘I didn’t know you felt like that, Babs… so what would you like to do, you know, if you could? Because maybe I can help.’
‘Oh, love, you’ve done enough already, especially pointing me in the direction of all those online classes and groups and this job, because you pay me above and beyond what the others do. And all the little treats you sneak in over the year. Like those gorgeous candles that make this place smell like paradise, and the bits and bobs you reckon you ordered by mistake and can’t be bothered to send back, that always seem to fit me just right, or that lovely posh bedding that you weren’t keen on when it arrived.’
Gina just smiled, knowing she was busted.
‘You look after me the way a daughter would and do it in a way that’s kind and sensitive, and that means such a lot to me, it really does.’
Sometimes, it was best not to say anything, and Gina knew they were in one of those moments so let Babs continue. At the same time, she calmed the swell of love that threatened to burst its banks and leak from her eyes.
‘I’ve made a bit of progress, even during lockdown which is a miracle, because I’m fitter, healthier and a bit happier too. I’ve made lots of new virtual friends who I chat to all the time. I’m in book groups, cookery groups, menopause groups, exercise groups, cute pet owners groups, you name it there’s a group for it and I don’t feel so alone now. But I don’t want you or either of my girls feeling like I have, so we need a plan, and you need to speak up more about what’s going on in your head, and then I can help you, okay?’
‘Okay.’ Then a question pinged into her head. ‘Babs, why are you in a cute pet owners group? You don’t even have a pet?’
Babs chuckled. ‘Oh, that’s just a technicality, love. All you needed to join was your pets name, so I made one up and boom, I was in. Then I found a lovely kitten photo on Google and bunged that on the comments. Everyone loves Poppet, that’s her name and I love looking at all the lovely animals and their funny stories.’
