Page 55 of A Good Mother
Babs didn’t interrupt which was a miracle and it took immense willpower to remain silent while he forged ahead.
‘Sometimes, even before you started on this menopause thingy, I used to feel left out because you focused on the kids so much. If it wasn’t them you were out at work or fussing round your mum, and I always came last. I kept telling myself that it was normal, that you were doing your best to be a housewife and mum, and I couldn’t complain because you worked, too. But now, it’s like you don’t even care that much about the kids, and we all irritate the life out of you and as for me, I sometimes think you don’t know I’m there, or wish I wasn’t.’
A waggon approached on the opposite side of the road, distracting Babs, giving her time to calm her temper. In its windscreen, resting on the dash next to a teddy and a Leeds FC flag, was a number plate that said TINA.
Babs wondered if that was the driver’s wife, who he loved so much he’d had a sign made, one that went everywhere with him, keeping her close until he got home, where Tina would be waiting for the love of her life. Kev. That’s what Babs decided the waggon driver was called and in that instant Babs envied Tina and Kev. Their love and perfect imaginary world that wasn’t hers.
‘BABS! Did you hear me? Look, you’re doing it again. Shutting me out, making me feel like I don’t matter and that my feelings don’t count.’
She turned. ‘Is that how I really make you feel?’
Pete nodded. ‘Yes, Babs, it is.’
CHAPTERTHIRTY-FOUR
Stunned.And stung. That’s how Babs felt and even though her mouth opened, no words came out which was wise. Keeping her gob shut while she processed his words and her feelings.
Up ahead, at the end of the lay-by and over a wire fence was a field full of cows so she watched them while she waited for the pain and anger to subside. Babs loved cows, their doleful eyes, their nonchalance. But nobody knew whether they had bad days, bad thoughts, sad thoughts, like the many bitter, confused ones that passed through her head on a regular basis.
Perhaps they did. Got fed up of being rained on while they guarded their patch of dry grass, boring green stuff they were sick of chewing day in, day out. And trudging across the fields to the milking sheds, accepting without question their monotonous fate so some human could have milk on their cornflakes.
Come to think of it, she could be a right nasty cow who was also endowed with an ample rump, so there was a mighty good chance that her spirit animal did in fact, have horns and hooves. And going by what the heifer on the other side of the fence was doing, extremely empty bowels.
‘Babs… say something for God’s sake.’ Pete gave her a nudge.
Ping.Babs was back in the car, and after rearranging her rump, she turned to Pete and tried to explain, make it better.
‘That’s hurt me, hearing how I’ve made you feel and I’m sorry, I really am, because I don’t like to think of you being lonely or left out. That was never my intention. But I’m also angry because I was doing what I thought was best. So the idea I was getting it wrong has really pissed me off. What a sodding waste of time that was! It’s like we’ve been living a lie, or you have. And I feel stupid. Like I’ve failed in some way.’
‘No, it’s not like that at all. Maybe I’ve not said it right. I didn’t mean for you to feel like this. Look, Babs, family life is a struggle, making ends meet and bringing up kids and we both knew it wasn’t going to be easy at the start. We were young and had nothing… but we got on with it and made a life for ourselves and I’m proud of what we did.’
‘Well, that’s one thing we agree on then. We got something right.’
‘Of course we did. I just thought once we’d got through all that, when they were more independent, we could enjoy what we’ve achieved. Our time to have some fun. Maybe that’s what you’re feeling too. Our Isaac’s announcement made me take stock and reminded me where we started from. And your reaction to their idea, about being a full-time babysitter was spot on. It’s time he stood on his own two feet.’
‘Hallee-bloody-looyah! At last. But it would’ve been nice if you’d backed me up a bit instead of siding with him like you do all the time. Instead you made me look like the baddie and that hurt, and now they’ve taken the huff and I feel awful. But that’s another issue and before I move on, you might as well know I won’t be backing down no matter how much Isaac sulks. So you can all get used to it.’
‘It’s fine, and I promise I’ll have a word with him and explain that he really does need to find somewhere else to live… okay?’ Pete reached out and placed his hand over hers, a gesture that was as welcome as it was alien.
When was the last time he’d comforted her? And why couldn’t she remember?
Batting that unhelpful thought away, but not Pete’s hand, it was Babs’ turn to say how she felt so, wary of bombarding him with the inner workings of her mind and battered soul, she trod carefully. ‘Before we can go into fun mode, you need to understand what it’s like for me, being me I suppose. And seeing as you mentioned “the menopause thingy,” I’ll start there.’
Clasping her hands together, she spun her wedding ring around her finger as she spoke, the rhythmic movement a habit that died hard.
‘It’s crap, totally and utterly crap and there’s been times where I’ve felt lonely too, completely lost in a pit of worry, consumed by anxiety and dread, swamped by uncontrollable anger and untameable emotions so bad that I thought I was going mad.
‘And added to this, the pounds were piling on and settling on all the bits of me that I already hated the most. Then the hot flushes arrived, trying to drown me in my bed, or in the middle of the supermarket while I was chatting to the lady on the check-out. Imagine what it’s like, Pete, being a human kettle. Boiling on the inside. The heat escaping like steam and running down your body, your forehead, being soaked up by your hair as you pack away the weekly shop. I used to go in looking half-decent and come out like I’d been in the sauna.’
Pete gave her hand a gentle squeeze. ‘It must be bloody awful… but why didn’t you say something, tell me what was happening to you and how it felt? And as for putting on a few pounds well, I don’t mind about that. It just means there’s more to grab hold of.’
Seriously, Pete. For once read your audience.
The cheeky wink didn’t cut it this time and resulted in a withering look from Babs which silenced him immediately. Gritting her teeth and abandoning ring spinning, Babs forged on, determined to make him understand.
‘I hated them, the hot flushes, and I hated me, and that self-loathing started to spread out like roots that took over every part of my life and soon I hated every part of it and no, I didn’t tell you because I was messed up enough, and I couldn’t bear the thought of you saying or doing something stupid and making it worse. You know, like one of your un-funny jokes.’
‘Well thanks for that. Nice to know you have zero faith in your husband and clearly think he’s a prat.’
