Page 83 of A Good Mother
CHAPTERFIFTY
ROBIN
Oh,my beautiful girl. Look at her. Oblivious. Floating on a sea of nothingness. Caressed by the soft fuzz of chemicals that swim through her blood. I often watch her while she sleeps. It brings me comfort to see her this way. Selfish, I know. But when her eyes are closed I don’t see the pain reflected in them. Her tears don’t flow, and I don’t have to mop them up.
The thing is, we both need respite and I tell myself, as I coax her into taking her medication that I’m no different to those mothers, like me, who thanked heaven for Calpol. If only it were as simple as a fever, a bad cold that two teaspoons of red liquid would soothe so we could all sleep.
How many hours I’ve sat in this chair, in her bedroom. The wallpaper is tatty, peeling here and there. The peonies that were once vibrant now faded. The paintwork is scuffed and yellowed while the oak wardrobe with the wobbly hinge and the chest of drawers with a missing knob, stand like centurions guarding their ward.
Willow was always scared of the tree outside her window whose branches tap on the glass in the wind, and no matter how often the gardener cut it away, eventually it grew back to haunt her.
How many times have I raced along the landing, burst into the room, and folded her in my arms, telling her it will be all right? I never thought that in adulthood I’d do the same, spend nights lying by her side.
Me and this chair and the battered cushion I lean against have seen her through the worst of times. Teething and tummy bugs, teenage tantrums and angst, break-ups, pre-exam, and pre-wedding nerves. Yes, these four walls have witnessed it all butnothinglike what we’ve been through since we lost Maya.
Yet here, no matter what, the two of us are safe. We are able in the midst of storms of the mind, which strike often, to find peace. This room is our sanctuary, away from Edmund and Nate, where we fight the good fight, and most of the time the devils and demons are banished.
I wish you could have seen Willow before, when my darling girl was so full of life and fun and love. A delight. That’s what she was. The best big sister to Cris, the best, best friend to Gina, the best daughter I could have wished for.
And now, the disease of the mind that eats away at my precious child is out of control, rampaging, cruel and irreverent. The devil is winning. I’m waging war on two fronts, with the Prince of Darkness and my husband, and I suppose Nate, too. And muddying the water further is the irrefutable fact that Edmund is to blame for where we are now, and he is the root cause, I truly believe this.
He changed the course of Willow’s life, turned her away from the priesthood and towards teaching. She followed another path and met Nate. Then just when life seemed perfect, when Willow had found her truest vocation, motherhood, it was all snatched away. In the blink of an eye and the screech of tyres, the devil took his prize. But he won’t take another.
He won’t take her away from me. To that place where they say they’ll care for her, butnobodycan look after Willow better than me. She’s my child not theirs. And who will be there when she cries out in the night and who will comfort her? She’ll be confused, scared, and want me, her mum. And that is why I can’t let the devil win.
And now, I have worked it all out. It’s what Martha has been trying to tell me all along and why I was so drawn to her and her story. She’s the clue.
I know what I need to do. I have to set Willow free. I can make my child happy. Let her be with Maya, guilt free. I will let Arty go, cheat the devil, and punish Edmund all at the same time.
It’s been there, staring me in the face for so long and with my back against the wall I was able to see it clearly. The solution is so obvious.
Being a confirmed sinner made it easier. I gave in to lust and I broke a commandment when I committed adultery. I doubt that being a good girl where the others are concerned will save me, so what have I to lose? All I have to do is commit one final sin – wrath. And break one final commandment – thou shall not kill.
Edmund deserves to be punished and the best way to do that, is to take away control and beat him at the game he’s been playing for years.
Arty has been my prisoner for too long and deserves a life without me in it. Not to be sat in life’s waiting room, hoping I’ll be on the next train.
Willow wants to be with Maya but is trapped in a hell on earth, too scared to find the exit by herself. So I will show her the way.
It will be the ultimate sacrifice. A gift of love and understanding from a mother to her child. And best of all, I only have to sacrifice one thing.
Me.
CHAPTERFIFTY-ONE
The clinkingof milk bottles was accompanied by Bobby’s whistling as he made his delivery, followed by footsteps on the gravel and the familiar whirring of the electric engine on his cart as it faded into the distance.
Sunday morning had broken in all its autumnal glory and Robin mused that if one was going to go, it might as well be on a fine October day while the sun shone. The window was ajar allowing in a fresh breeze, the curtains open to give her a view of the sunrise.
She shifted slightly, pulled the blanket further up her body and readjusted the cushion behind her back that ached from sleeping in the armchair. Robin didn’t mind, though. The pain was worth it to keep Edmund from Willow’s room. Her sentry-like presence was a warning should he dare to disobey her wishes.
Perhaps the dull throb in her spine was also her penance, a precursor for what she might expect once she’d committed the greatest sin of all.
Still, she’d been through it all one more time, to make sure she was doing the right thing. Gone right back to the beginning taking great pleasure and experiencing intense pain remembering the most significant parts of her life, the insignificant ones too. They all made up the whole of what she hoped had been a worthwhile journey.
The high point was giving life to her two children and holding their hands for a while, as she guided them through the world. Even though she’d had to let go, the part she’d always dreaded, Robin hoped she still held a special place in their hearts. In fact, she was sure her children loved her and that was all the reward she ever needed, to be in receipt of a smile, a hug, their love.
Robin’s eyes were drawn to Willow who’d slept soundly through the night, not waking when the owl outside hooted to its mate, or when the dawn chorus of little birds heralded a new day.
