Page 27 of A Family Affair
Your Grandad Ernie and Grandma Nancy, and your dad, were all I had. They were my safety net and I needed them in my life. Which is why I made the decision I did.
I had to choose between sharing a terrible secret and risk losing my brother or protect his feelings and keep my mother’s confession to myself.
Honey gasped, ‘Oh my … Aunty Beryl, what have you done? What did Granny Molly do that was so bad?’
Looking at the beautifully written words, knowing they were about to expose something shocking and potentially life-changing, Honey faltered, embroiled in a battle between fear and intrigue. The latter won.
At the heart of my decision was the fractious relationship between Ernie and my mum. For as long as I can remember they had been at loggerheads. Never saw eye to eye and it was as though when Mum pulled one way, Ernie instinctively pulled the other.
As a child I didn’t think too much of it. It was how they were. I thought that was how big brothers behaved. Our rebellious, independent Ernie was my hero, so whatever he did was fine by me.
I do remember sometimes feeling second best, because Mum smothered Ernie with affection and attention which he rejected and resented without fail. Then when I became a teenager, I was actually glad to be second best. That her focus was elsewhere, and I began to understand – or I thought I did – why Mum’s clingy ways and ridiculous rules drove Ernie to distraction. She wanted to protect him from the dangers of a man’s world, or the clutches of an unsuitable wife. How wrong I was.
But Ernie was my world and without him in it, I don’t know what I would have done which is why when he married your grandma, I was scared. Scared of becoming second best, again.
Honey’s heart dipped on reading that line. ‘Oh Aunty Beryl, that’s so sad, that you felt like that.’ Going straight back to the letter, desperately hoping for good news, she read on.
They were so in love and for a time I felt abandoned, stuck with a bossy mum and a subservient dad. You don’t remember either of them, but Mum ruled the roost and Dad adhered, and stuck to his philosophy of ‘’owt for a quiet life’.
I truly believe my dad had no idea how much, or why Mum controlled his life, our lives, and maybe it was for the best.
In the end I needn’t have worried about losing Ernie or becoming second best. Because he and Nancy always welcomed me in, made me part of their new life and for that I was so grateful.
So, to the confession.
I hope that when you read the notes that Mum insisted I wrote down word for word, that as they did for me, things will make sense and you can piece it all together.
And as God is my witness – well, I hope he is because otherwise it means I’ve gone downstairs and not upwards to the pearly gates – there were so many times, especially in recent years, when I tried to pluck up the courage to speak to Ernie. Make my peace before I died.
And then I would imagine his anger. It would turn on me, in the absence of Mum and I truly could not bear the thought of him being cross or hating me. I knew I’d left it too late. That the time for telling was back then, after Mum passed. I was so wrong. So stupid.
And now an apology.
For being a coward all these years. And for burdening you with a secret. Just like Mum did to me, I am about to do the same to you. It’s so very unfair of me.
Why?
The answer is simple.
I cannot go to my grave knowing that our family secret will be buried forever. That Ernie won’t know the truth. Or, if you choose to keep it to yourself for whatever reasons, at least I passed it on.
Please know that I have thought all this through, agonised over it. But I believe it is the right thing to do. To give you the choice. Just like Mum did with me.
I know I was selfish. And for that I am sorry. I put myself first, over Ernie, and that was wrong, too.
I don’t expect or ask that you put it right. That is not my intention.
Merely that something Mum always regarded as a family affair, our personal business, remains so. Our history. You will soon know the truth and then it is for you to do with as you wish.
Once again, please try not to be angry with me. But if you are, then I understand.
One last thing.
Will you please tell Ernie that I am sorry. And that what I did was borne from love and nothing else.
Goodbye and God Bless, dearest Honey.
From your loving aunt,
