Page 43 of A Family Affair
Today there was nothing. He looked but didn’t see. Just stared through the mist that clouded his eyes. One thought repeating on a loop.
How could she?
Before he could answer his own question, a voice, one that held a hint of panic, jolted Ernie into reality.
‘Grandad, are you okay? Please say something.’ Honey had huddled further into her parka, like she was shrinking away from the hurt she caused him while her hand kept a firm grip on his.
Ernie spoke his thoughts. ‘How could she?’
‘Who? Do you mean Aunty Beryl or your mum?’
‘She’s not my mum and how I feel right now I don’t even want to call Beryl my sister.’ He instantly regretted his harsh tone but the anger… he’d never felt anything like it.
Not even when he’d railed against God and the inept doctors who he’d blamed for taking his Nancy from him. He’d had to blame someone then and after, much later, he’d realised he was being unreasonable. But this time, oh this time he really did have a target for his hatred, two in fact.
‘Both of them.Her, for stealing me in the first place and then living a lie for her entire life and Beryl, for not telling me when she could.’
Honey’s tone had softened when she replied. ‘Grandad, you’re right to feel angry and hurt and so many emotions because I was too when I read the letter. I think I was in shock to be honest, that’s why it’s taken me a few days to get my head around it and pluck up the courage to tell you.’
‘Well, at least someone in this family knows how to do the right thing and their moral compass is set straight, because those two certainly didn’t, did they?’ Ernie turned and even though he saw Honey’s eyes widen, reflected in them was the sheer rage that he was struggling to contain.
They sat in silence for a moment or two while his comment settled, like an early mist on the allotment, seeping into the soil and his bones and heart.
They’d lied to him, for all those years.
Firsther, Molly, that’s how he would refer to her now because she wasn’t his mother, not anymore. And then Beryl. His sister who he’d adored. Had meant the world to him. The rock of the family. She was a liar, too.
And then a confession. ‘I aways knew. Deep down. I think I always knew I didn’t belong. It was this… this sense of not connecting, of being an outsider when there was absolutely nothing to indicate that I was. You know, when you think about it, an instinct that strong, no matter how contrary, was trying to tell me something but I just didn’t listen. I’ve been such a fool.’
‘But why would you? It’s totally understandable that you believed that they were your parents because your birth certificate told you so. You’d been brought up by a family you had no reason whatsoever to doubt so you’re not a fool, Grandad, nothing of the kind.’
It was Honey’s well-meaning words that caused Ernie to slip his hand from her grasp and bury his face in his palms, resting his elbows on his knees to prevent his whole body from slumping in a heap.
‘Oh dear God… everything, everything was fake… my birth certificate, my heritage… I don’t even know who I really am.’ As soon as he said the words he felt an arm go around his shoulder and a head rest against his left arm.
‘You’re my grandad and I love you just the same today as I did yesterday. Nothing will ever change that. You’re you, that’s what matters, not the past.’
Ernie wasn’t placated, in fact Honey’s words lit another spark and it took all his self-control not to raise his voice. ‘How can you say that? I’m not the same and I never will be, not now! And the past does matter. Tome. Can’t you see that, Honey?’
Another lapse into silence.
Honey was the braver of the two and broke it with a confession of sorts. ‘Yes, yes I do. And if I’m honest I’m angry too because I’d hate to find out that any of my family had kept something like this from me, and now I can see how much it’s upset you. Which makes me feel terrible for telling you… and it makes me see why Aunty Beryl might have predicted this kind of reaction so kept the info to herself.’
Ernie’s head snapped up, annoyed again. ‘Don’t make excuses for her, Honey, because she doesn’t deserve it. Neither of them do. And don’t feel bad either for telling me because at least I’ll go to my grave and up there,’ he pointed towards the sky, ‘if such a place even exists, knowing who I’m not! And you never know, once I’ve met my Nancy again, my real mother will be waiting; because ifshe’sthere, and Beryl, they can both bugger off.’
He heard Honey sigh, and then through the corner of his eye watched as she stood and, for a second, he thought she was going to go. Part of him wanted her to, so he could be alone with his thoughts; while another needed her to stay so he could talk it through.
Honey placed a hand on his shoulder. ‘I’ll make us a brew. Then we can try and work out what to do next.’
Ernie nodded but couldn’t ignore the swell of irritation or contain the bitter response that leaked from his lips, allowing poisonous words to pollute his perfect organic world.
‘Next… there is no next. My mother, the woman who gave birth to me, is dead. So is my father. I’ll never know who they were, what my real surname should be. All I know is the poor woman who died in a pile of rubble had her baby stolen by a thief and a liar. That my birth mother was called Nora and for a few hours she loved me. The rest is history. All fake. All lies. What’s there to work out?’
He was glad when Honey didn’t reply and instead she turned away and went into his shed, leaving him alone with his thoughts and a melting pot full of bitterness, and hate.
CHAPTER32
They sat in silence, sipping scalding sweet tea from tin mugs. Perhaps his fellow gardeners had sensed tension in the air, or taken the hint when Ernie just about managed a curt nod when they attempted to pass the time of day, but he and Honey had been left alone. Him to seethe. Her to wait.
