Page 59 of A Family Affair
More worrying,everything in our power. Meaning he and father had taken control.
Shameful, obnoxious, and sickening.That’s how they felt about me.
And finally the one word that meant everything to the Chamberlain family and others of our class.Reputation.
Panic bloomed in me. ‘I need to ring Ursula and tell her. She should know what’s happened.’
I rose slightly but my knees gave way at the mere sound of my father’s voice who rounded and marched over to where I sat. He loomed above me, so close I could smell pipe smoke embedded in the fibres of his tweed jacket. Spittle landed on my cheek, and such was his anger I feared he would actually strike me.
‘You will do no such thing. From this moment onwards you will have no contact whatsoever with that disgusting perverted woman. DO YOU HEAR ME? If this gets out, we’re ruined. Do you realise the impact this will have on your uncle, for pity’s sake? He works in the city, has contacts in the government. And what about Clive? The scandal will ruin his political career and then there’s your poor mother. The woman is distraught, and I doubt she’ll be able to look you in the eye ever again. And neither will I. People will call you a freak… dear God Clarissa what have you done?’
Disgusting. Freak.Did Father not realise what he was saying? And I couldn’t just cut Ursula from my life… how could he even think that?
Even though I was scared, I had to make him see sense. ‘But Father, I simply can’t just disappear from her life without an explanation. She might come looking for me and then there would be a scene…’
‘STOP! Not another word Clarissa. It is all in hand.’
I looked from my father to Oscar and immediately averted my eyes from his smug face. ‘What do you mean?’
A sigh preceded a tut. ‘Oscar will deal with it. He’s returning to London in the morning and will make an appointment to see Ursula and explain the situation. And I can assure you of this, Clarissa. Once the Marquess is aware of the jeopardy, she will drop you like a stone. So don’t go getting any romantic notions about her coming to rescue you. Or the two of you running away together. It will never happen.’
I stood then. Enraged. My fists balled in anger.
‘Father, you simply can’t do this to me. I’m twenty-one years old and can make my own decisions and I will not havehimspeak on my behalf…’ I cast Oscar a look to match those he’d given me at dinner ‘…or have you both run my life.’
That was the final straw and I swear I saw the red of evil in Father’s eyes as he growled his reply, holding me in his stare like prey. ‘HOW DARE YOU? How dare you speak to me like that. I’ll have you know, young woman, that I am more than capable of ensuring you do exactly as I tell you. Do you hear me? Your sister thought–’
When Oscar cleared his throat it broke Father’s stride, causing me to look in Oscar’s direction. Even in my moment of utter desolation I spotted the warning look he gave my father which was heeded immediately.
‘My sister thought what? Tell me. What were you going to say?’
The air was thick with malice and words left unsaid. There were too many questions left unanswered and my suspicions wouldn’t rest.
‘You didn’t want Eleonora to leave and join up, but she stuck to her guns and got her own way in the end, and I shall follow her example. You can’t make me give Ursula up like you couldn’t stop my sister from leaving.’ I stuck out my chin and curled my toes and scrunched my fist so tightly it hurt as I waited for my father to react, but the next voice was Oscar’s.
‘And look where that got her. Killed. The only reason your sister got her own way was because the war was on and your father was lenient, needs must and all that. So don’t think for one moment that the same applies to you because believe me, Clarissa, he could disown you like that.’ Oscar clicked his finger.
‘And don’t forget I have two fine sons who could take over here, should my brother decide to turf you out and leave you penniless. Because after all, dear niece, that’s exactly what you would be without Chamberlain and your parents. A nothing. With nothing. A nobody.’
My mouth opened but no words came out.
Oscar wasn’t afflicted so. ‘So I suggest you have a good old think and consider your options. Do as you are told and hopefully the stain of your sordid behaviour won’t stick to this family. Unless you choose the other option, in which case you will be cast out, destitute or maybe, like your sister, dead.’
The gasp that escaped from deep inside jolted my father from his place on the fence. ‘Clarissa I hope you’ve heeded Oscar’s words. Now go to your room and remain there. I cannot bear to look at you a moment longer. And don’t even attempt to speak to your mother. Is that understood?’
For a second my brain couldn’t take it all in and was unable to respond and then in a flash my legs were carrying me out of the door and towards my room where I obeyed Father and stayed all day.
I’m sure you can imagine what I went through in the hours afterwards. I refused to eat the food that was brought to my room on a tray and the pain of hunger somehow made me feel more alive. Each gripe of my stomach complemented the pain in my heart and reminded me that I had to fight for Ursula and what we had. I convinced myself that she too would fight for me and, somehow, we would find a way to be together.
The next morning when I found the door to my room locked from the outside I knew it was to prevent me from ringing Ursula. Oscar would be on his way to London to do his worst.
I didn’t cause a scene or try to bolt when the maid brought my food which I ate because, for all my sins, I wasn’t stupid. The die had been cast. So I didn’t ask for my mother and she didn’t come to see me. Instead I bided my time and made a plan.
Three days later my mother came to visit me. It was as though it never happened, and the previous few days were a silly dream. Because there she was sitting at the end of my bed, dressed in her twin set, smiling like it was Christmas morning. I remember wondering, as she spoke, if perhaps she’d lost her mind.
‘Your father and I wondered if you’d like to take a drive to the coast. It’s a glorious day and I think a brisk walk and a spot of lunch will do us the world of good, don’t you?’ She smoothed the silk of the bedspread as she spoke, not able to rest her eyes on my face for long.
All I wanted was to get out of the room and take the quickest route away from Chamberlain, down the footpath to the village. There was a public phone box outside the post office and from there I could ring Ursula and ask her what to do. I’d hidden all of my jewellery, which I intended to sell, and packed a small case, so I was ready to go once Ursula knew the plan. I would wait for her in Cornwall where she had a holiday home, unless she suggested her apartment in Monte Carlo, which was why I’d hidden my passport, too.
