Page 64 of The Girlfriend's Guide to Dating a Biker

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Jake (Day 1, 11:41 a.m.): That shirt better be the only thing you’re wearing when I come over tonight.

Me (Day 1, 11:42 a.m.): I was thinking about not wearing anything.

Jake (Day 1, 11:43 a.m.): Fuck.

Jake (Day 1, 5:21 p.m.): Sorry darlin’, caught up in club shit. Won’t make it tonight.

Me (Day 1, 5:22 p.m.): No worries. I hope everything is okay.

Jake (Day 1, 11 p.m.): All good. Just messy. Might be radio silence for a bit.

Me (Day 1, 11:02 p.m.): Stay safe x

And then . . . nothing.

Me

Day THREE. Still nothing since that last text.

Megan

He did warn you about radio silence.

Me

BUT WHY??

Megan

Club stuff like he said?

Me

Or he could be dead in a ditch.

Megan

Or he could be handling something serious.

Me

WITH THE BLONDE

Megan

Don’t spiral.

Me

Too late, already calculating trajectory.

I’ve drafted approximately 9,378 other texts that I haven’t sent. They range from casual (“Weather’s nice. Not that you probably care about weather during your mysterious absence.”) to desperate (“DID THE BLONDE KILL YOU?”) to completely unhinged (“My coffee maker is judging me for drinking instant coffee. Also, I may have named it Jake Jr.”)

I even wrote code to calculate the statistical probability of various scenarios:

def calculate_silence_reasons():

likely_scenarios = {

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