Page 65 of The Girlfriend's Guide to Dating a Biker
“Legitimate club business”: 65%,
“Phone eaten by Brisbane’s only phone-eating crocodile”: 12%,
“Trapped under heavy motorcycle, surviving only on leather jacket nutrients”: 8%,
“Abducted by aliens who don’t allow texting”: 7%,
“Blonde-related activities”: 5%,
“Testing my emotional stability for science”: 3%
}
return likely_scenarios
(Don’t @ me about the invalid syntax. Technically this code doesn’t run. But neither do I when I’m emotionally destabilised by a biker with a jawline so sharp it could slash tires.)
Instead of completely losing it (okay, that could be a lie), I’ve been channelling my energy into work. Johnson’s latest catastrophe actually turned into a blessing in disguise. There’s nothing like a production crisis to keep your mind off relationship uncertainty.
I spent yesterday rewriting our entire security protocol after Johnson’s “fix” basically left the front door wide open to every hacker on the internet. Even our CEO stopped by my desk to thank me for catching it before it went live.
“This is why you’re our senior developer,” he said, while Johnson sulked in the corner. “Quick thinking under pressure.”
Karen’s latest spreadsheet (which she’s titled “Post-Coital Communication Analysis vs Crisis Management Matrix: A Study in Personal and Professional Growth”) includes some fascinating correlations:
(And yes, after 51 minutes of relentless questioning from her, I screamed “YES WE HAD SEX AND IT BROKE MY BRAIN,” and she immediately opened Excel.)
COLUMN A: Relationship Metrics
Time between encounters and first contact
Correlation between orgasm count and response rate
Statistical probability of ghosting after bedroom activities
Likelihood of mysterious blonde interference
Motorcycle sound recognition accuracy
Hours spent overthinking text messages
COLUMN B: Professional Achievement Metrics
Code emergencies resolved (471% increase since emotional crisis began)
Production fires extinguished
Hours spent saving company from Johnson’s “help”
Bugs fixed while stress-coding at 3 a.m.
Security protocols enhanced during emotional turmoil
Percentage increase in coding efficiency when sexually frustrated
Her correlation graph suggests that my coding ability increases in direct proportion to my emotional instability, which . . . actually tracks. Nothing like heartache to make you really focus on your terminal commands.
She’s even included a pie chart showing the distribution of my coping mechanisms:
