Page 73 of The Girlfriend's Guide to Dating a Biker
He chuckled. “Yeah? Good. Tell her to get used to me.”
Current Status: Trying to write API onboarding documentation for our new session token refresh flow, which is already a nightmare because Johnson keeps “optimising” it mid-sprint without telling anyone.
Anyway, I was supposed to be updating the step-by-step instructions for developers trying to integrate our login system with third-party services.
What I accidentally pasted into the shared Google Doc instead was: He has a snake wrapped around a dagger with a pawn in the middle of his bicep and I want to lick it like it’s a QR code to a secret orgasm dimension.
To be clear, that was meant for my Notes app. Or possibly Megan. Not the engineering team.
KAREN SAW IT.
She left a comment: This quote has been added to the ‘Top 10 Unhinged Things Eden Has Said While Horny’ tab. You’re currently tied with yourself. Also, this is now canon. You’re not allowed to delete it. I will export the doc to PDF and frame it.
I’m dying. Dead. Deceased. I have passed away via spreadsheet-related incident.
I will now be a cautionary tale. Some poor intern is going to onboard next quarter, scroll past Step 2, and assume “lickable biceps” is part of our brand voice.
Do I delete it?
Do I double down and add footnotes?
Do I fake my own death and move to a town with no Wi-Fi?
Unclear. Will circle back once I finish screaming into a pillow.
UPDATE (5:12 p.m.): Jake just called. Told me to “put on something sexy” and said he’s picking me up in an hour.
ONE. HOUR.
WITH NO DESTINATION DETAILS.
How do I dress sexy if I don’t know if we’re going to dinner, to a bar, or to burn down the government together? Is this leather jacket and Jake-won’t-survive-these-jeans sexy? Or serial killer adjacent? Do I wear heels or boots? Lipstick or lip balm? Am I overthinking this or is he secretly testing me???
Megan said to “go feral or go home,” but Karen just sent me a link to an article titled “The Psychological Warfare of Vague Date Instructions.”
If this man shows up in a hoodie after sending me into a fashion-based identity crisis, I will make him hurt.
Also, if this ends with a servo meat pie and no sex, I will sue for emotional damage.
Comments: Still Disabled (because Karen WILL start asking questions and I’m not ready)
Share: Only if you add a trigger warning for dangerously safe men who have a thing for awkward, nerdy girls
WE’RE NOT OFFICIAL BUT HIS MUM LIKES ME AND I (DIDN’T) LUBE HIS CHAIN
Posted by Anonymous at 7:21 p.m.
April 24
The past few weeks have included the following events in no particular order:
I learned to make French toast the Jake way (i.e., with double the cinnamon and served shirtless)
Jake learned that I talk in my sleep about API testing protocols
I learned that Jake finds this hot???
Jake learned that I hoard cables in a box labelled “Cable Babies”
